T has grown up to be such a good guy, honestly. I really love to see it. Tbh the entire group is fun and funny but also responsible when they need to be. It's really great man. Hehe. 

Cramps in the cold man fuck. My leg huuuurts aaaaaa. I legit hate cramping so much. Arghhhh. 

Runs

81 times. Lol. In lieu of just saying hi. I don't care for scams tbh. I really don't. I'd say man jo but honestly like what's the point. 

Fuck it. I'm gonna run 10k tomo. Just because. And it will feel glorious lol. Something about running just feels so damn good man. That rhythmic want to just go on and on. Fucking love it. Everything can get stripped away but when you naked with just you and the universe it feels like you belong.

Decided to bail on dinner to watch naruto hahahah. Fuck. Why am I like this? Lmao. Becoming all reclusive. Dammit it's been forever since I saw Naruto too. My first actual trust with anime. Watched fucking 200 eps in a week like a crazy person. 1st semester break hahaha. Oh man the days of slow internet and waiting for shit to buffer and those fillers you couldn't skip. 2 years this manga went on a break 😂. Damn, I love anime it's so fucking good. 

~

Damn that first Zabuza arc was stellar. Big 3 truly the best. I will watch all of one piece in my twilight years, pinky promise. 

Jesus...what kind of evil is Kramms even fuck...Even today he is using Danya's screenshots to keep saying shit like the guy passed away and still this man is going. What the fuck even. I have never seen someone this unhinged in my life. This is so unsettling even to recieve as a notification. How does someone obsess over a dead person's videos after harassing them relentlessly when they were alive? I am so sorry for his family man. Just. I didn't even know the dude and it feels so puke inducingly inhumane like I can't even imagine what his mum and brother might feel if they say this bullshit. Fuck. If there is a god, may he bitch slap that ugly unhinged man. This is just unholy at this point like idek how someone can lose their minds this much. Grotesque. 

Amen.  

I am loving tales from the loop so much. And it's so completely fascinated by the story telling lol. Fuckign felt teary eyed for a robot lmao. Sheesh. It's so cute and so damn nice. Haha. I wonder why this show only has one season it's legit very sweet. They've managed to anthropomorphise robots for me lmao. Almost wept seeing it feels bad hahah. Man I'm a total wuss like serious. 

~

Sitting at T's wedding and playing bullet lol. Weddings are so fucking boring man sheesh. I just want gtfo lmao. Love him lots but damn. 

Met Uthaiya also out of the blue didn't even know he was related to Mals. That's crazy. Seeing him after so many years. Still the same sweet smiley dude haha. It was my one impression of him years ago and it's still the same. Good to see. 

Now, when can I leave? 😭

I SET FIREEEE

Omg my capacity is so bad now I can't even finish one tiny bottle of wine wtf. Who have I become? 😭

Talent that transcends everything.

Set fire to the rain

I haven't really heard too much music lately but damn. 

I love her so much. Every fucking note is precise. 

NPR

So raw. 

The only unfulfilled wish I have ever had is I can't sing like her lol. 

Dammit. Music, save me when you can, won't you? No barriers between us. 

~

Fuck I love purity in emotions and things and people and myself. 

Omg how is Adele so damn good sheesh. Incredible 

Took 3 days and I got 2100 bullet. What did I achieve by this? Nothing. But idc. Eff it. 

~

Watching Howell for the first time and he is bummed out about Naro and talking about it. I recall him tearing up too a while back. Hmmm. Sucks, they were colleagues too so it must be unreal for him. And man, he is such a strong player, is barely thinking and hitting 28 hundo without even trying. Crazy. 2700 blitz otb like dayum. Monstrous strength. Hmmm. 

I never realised how much I enjoy watching laid back chess tbh. I like this low key vibe and the games and everything. Iss nice. Barely ever see twitch now but I suppose every once in a while it's okay. 

Oh man. Naro's bday today. And seeing rebecca active 3 weeks ago just felt so messed up damn. Would have been 30. 

Damn... I feel weird

Hobbes

It's so hard to give up lmao. Fuck. I hate it. But then like an obsessed person I'll play haha. Fuck. Of all the unproductive things to do in life. Fml. 

~

Dad showing up with a leather jacket lmao. Too funny. It's nice. He is becoming so tiny as he grows older lol. Very cute ya. Wish he could stay longer but it's okay. Nice to see him around. It's good he is relaxing as he gets older too. Can be so cute and jovial. I like that. 

~

Ugh. Why am I so restless I feel like just running lmao. Just wanna tire myself outtttt. Literally the best feeling in the worrrrld is when everything hurts and you need to sleep it off haha

~

Double ugh. Middle of the night and now I'm deep into Leviathan. Bc. One reco comes in my feed and then I look it up and now I'm reading ancient political theory. My soul wishes to vomit at these ideas too. Men just fall for grandstanding jesus. It's all about ego, ego, ego. So fucking simplistic. This book can literally be boiled down to 'one ring to rule them all' and a whole lotta flimsy reasoning which any power hungry despot will will glom on to thinking ah yes rest of mankind weak I greatest. Heh. I mean this is quite literally making a case for Sauron. And in the times we live in, the manifestation of Sauron is a scary asf prospect too. 

Fuck dude. Time and time again I feel as if human lives in entirety get fucked over by the ramblings of insane men who just feed you some variant of 'wow yousa greatest ever' ideas and people just buy it like sheep and try to attain that. Power hungry sheep but sheep nonetheless. Fucking sheep man. Bleat bleat bleat and tweet. 

~

I'm dumbing this down to the point of comedic lows but in all seriousness the promise of glorious ideas is something that leads to so many people swayed by a quest that's destructive. At the end of the day every philosophy ends up in a bottleneck when it comes down to execution. Having buy in from everyone can only be done either via incentive or via force. Heh. The eternal quest of complete co-operation. Anyway, now that that's out of the way I can keep the hating aside and really think about this lol. I do find it supremely interesting lmao. 

~

And since when did this guy start quoting the old testament? Is he suddenly becoming religious? Actually I wouldn't be surprised if he has some traditional thoughts tbh. It used to be nice to imagine him as a tad bit traditional, like a rooted person. If only that person exists simply in my mind and not in reality haha.  I still recall his stubborn refusal to wish back merry christmas like I was supposed to have dreamt up the idea that he is jewish lol. It was so puzzling at the time. Haha, but he still had to tell me finally cuz I also simply didn't understand it on my own. It's funny. The only time the idea of someone being a bit traditional didn't bother me was when it was him. I actually kinda hoped he was, it felt like it might be a quality you can rely upon at the time. How wrong was I? Heh. Very, very, very. 

Oh well. Believing in god or not doesn't say anything about a person, it's the values you uphold and shape yourself by that do. Hmmm. Anyway.. back to 🐉. 

~

I wonder what ideas will survive a 1000 years from now... I wish I could time travel because I really want to know lol. 

Ivan's dilemma

A cynic who wanted nothing more than to believe. And then he went crazy in that quest. 

I've often wondered or rather looked at albeit academically at people who seem consumed by their passion and their fancies, knowing full well I'm simply not like that. I'm not sure how to structure these thoughts but I've oft felt like I'd rather keep myself in the middle of practicality than experience strong emotions? No it's not even that. It's disliking having emotions holding sway over everything. I like rationality in decision making. So looking at Ivan is so interesting, I keep coming back to him. He was so practical on the surface but he simply could not allow himself to believe and let go. 

The questions that puzzled him don't puzzle me. The question of God and morality. You can do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, It's simply an ouroboros.  So I just don't understand Ivan in that regard. Maybe he just wanted to really talk to god, rail at him and ask him why so much misery. Heh. To suffer is to suffer indeed. 

I get Ivan to some extent but Dmitry and Alyosha. Never. Just so starkly different and yet equally foreign. Alyosha kinda used to scare me. Not anymore. I do think life is simpler and sweeter if you feel like someone is watching over you. 

Dmitry? Lol. Not touching that. 

~

I like that I keep coming back to this book. I'm glad. 

Played after ages still feels gross asf. Hmmm. 

Let's see how it goes. Otherwise fuck it who cares anyway just a game

Missing someone sucks. It really does. 

Ehhhh.

Idk. Whatever. Blah. Ugh.

~ 

Naro's passing has made me feel very freaked out. The shock has gone away now but like... Idk dude. These chess peeps sometimes just seem so paranoid and crazy and idk I just hope the one I'm thinking of isn't the self harmy type. I also know he didn't like Naro so probably it didn't matter to him who knows. Maybe he didn't care at all. Heh. I don't know why but I always assume he is devoid of empathy. 

~

Lol, nvm. Putting up masks and all, seems to be having fun. Guess I was right, it likely doesn't matter to him. Whatevs. Never one to disappoint lol. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever cared about anyone. And some other times I feel like him and his friends probably just make fun of all this and all the stuff that's wrong with the world currently. Who can tell, not me for sure. 🤷‍♀️ 

How I yearned to see some semblance of purity in his soul only to find just deep callousness? How old fashioned of me to even want to glimpse purity lol. Silly asf quest. People always disappoint, it's in our nature after all. Biggest tragedy of my life that I simply can't seem to accept that. I suppose I shouldn't forget how mean all this was and how awful it made me feel. Still does, on the few occasions that I let myself think of it. And in light of what this year has turned the world into, it feels infinitely worse. People who teach their friends to leverage colour in order to get women interested in them are just... Idk bro. Scummy asf. And I should really not forget how easy it was for him. Along with all that hiding women etc. 

Idk dude. Watching how K went on and on and even made jokes after danya passed was an unreal experience like there's such an empathy void in him, and he is so evil that even someone dying isn't enough to stop him. Seeing that makes me scared. People like that just exist. Damn. Yeah, I think simply not engaging with someone that refuses to be considerate is the way to go. All this constant vigilance and this waiting for niceness etc it's just too lame and taxing and what even is the point of that. That guy died waiting for someone to be kind to him man. That's what has freaked me out so much. And that person simply jokes when he passed like... And this person also didn't care when someone in my family passed never even asked how she was nothing...  

Constant exposure to this will make anyone completely forget what niceness even feels like. I don't want that. Let people choose their ego, fuck it. My turn of making an effort is over, never again. Let's just call it a wrong turn in life and chuck it.

~

Cheers to halloween and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. I used to think that ability was a superpower, now I just feel sorry for people like that. 

What a sorry state of affairs that I have to intentionally remind myself of shitty things just so I don't ask someone hey how you given that someone died. Except it's not like they asked me ever so that's the shitty point I need to hold on to. Curb your enthusiasm indeed. Whatever. Fucking inhumane low. 

In between

~ I remember being fascinated by the word betwixt. ~

Diss tracks

Wake up bright and early, make coffee, sip it in sunshine, open news, see someone talk about fabi + teens, and then see the song linked about him being a hoe by that teen. 

~

LMFAOOOOO. Fuckkk. Hahahhaa. That song is sooo hilarious and like... Hahahha well, dating teens is sus asf but having such a song trash you is such top tier shitposting oh man. I cannot even. First time in ages I've laughed so much oh god that's just tooo priceless.  

~

Never thought a day shall arrive where I'd find someone singing about him being a sex addict but here we are. Ooof. Mama mia indeed. 

Maaan I wish I could share this with someone oh god. Haven't laughed like this in ages. Dude got a diss track, teenage style. Ahahhaahha fuck. 

Just 🤌🤌🤌🤌

~

This is the first time in two weeks I've actually laughed damn. Heh. Sometimes it just takes something so fuckin absurd that you just wondering tf is happening. Heh. Good stuff. It's time for the doom and gloom to subside. 

~