Friday, April 2, 2021
Bike Ride
Woohooo! I finished a 50km ride, for the first time ever. Feeling tired and sort of sad but also happy. Go meee!
Saturday, September 26, 2020
Chessings
Kill me Chess, why don't you? End me like you end my undefended pieces. End me like the queen ends me, when she has a little help from the knight. These be my notes so far:
1. GUARD AND DEFEND. Like omg. All my lost games are due to not guarding my pieces. Save me, John. I will die on this hill.
2. Restraint. It might look like a good move, but if the opp has a chance to take you out in one, then stop and guard.
3. Get the knight on g5 if you can, vv useful.
4. Pick correctly between captures if you have a choice of K v B.
5. No more Blitz till you finish 100 rapids atleast.
6. When the Q is out... why the fuck do you not look at what she can do?
7. Play to defend and not blunder for the first 100 games, and see if there's some improvement.
8. Patience :(
Wednesday, August 12, 2020
The sickening uniformity of Beige
"If you dial," Iran said, eyes open and watching, "for greater venom, then I'll dial the same. I'll dial the maximum and you'll see a fight that makes every argument we've had up to now seem like nothing. Dial and see; just try me." She rose swiftly, loped to the console of her own mood organ, stood glaring at him, waiting. He sighed, defeated by her threat. "I'll dial what's on my schedule for today." Examining the schedule for January 3, 1992, he saw that a businesslike professional attitude was called for. "If I dial by schedule," he said warily, "will you agree to also?" He waited, canny enough not to commit himself until his wife had agreed to follow suit.
- Do androids dream of electric sheep?
I'm curious. If you live in a society governed by mood regulators, and everyone has the same deviations available to them, then does that mean we have potentially solved for equality of outcome?
Ode to the traveller
You've been with me through thick and thin. On travels long and short. It's only fitting that "Crossroads" comes on. We are at one today.
I'd say it's been 5 years since I've known you, give or take. I still remember the day we met. It was in that dusty shop in V's lane. The only one open on that rainy day in that annoying part of town. Tucked between shops run by sweaty men selling sketchy, aromatic rolls and a petty shop selling things you didn't know you need. A chance meeting, fated even. I knew I had to have you the minute I saw you. Something about the fact that you had no need to stand out - was comforting to me. To me it spelt functional, secure, laid back, dependable. In my eyes, those qualities made you a star.
Coals simmer while flames die out. And you, my sweet sweet love, are grade A coal! Top notch, the finest, like zoinks x 10. You hung around, got older, reassuring asf but never demanding. I took you for granted, if I am being honest.
This year we haven't been so lucky. We've seen so many patchy days. People started spotting it as well. Everytime they saw us, they'd ask me what was wrong. "You're tearing me apaaart, Lisa!" is what I want to say. I knew what they meant. I could see that you were changing, we were not snug like we used to be. It's like some inexplicable distance crept in and refused to leave. That's probably on me. I knew the end was nearing, but I chose to look the other way.
Today is the day, when you let me down. I stood up, and you promptly fell down. It was a good ten seconds that I was silent. I saw you crumpled at my feet, your folds so serene. I stepped out of you, held you, caressed you for a while.
I know I have to let you go. It hurts even to say so. My soft grey companion...may you rest in peace.
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Notes from a nap
I had such a strange dream. I went with you somewhere and that place had a lot of levels. We were on the top part where people sit on these giant beds, instead of tables and so I was like okay I'll take a nap. In a dream, I wanted another nap. I think I love naps. There were people on the bed adjoining ours also, but noone cared, they just did their own thing. It was like sitting at a table with really nice pillows. You got bored so you went away after I dozed off. I woke up a while later and felt the weight of guilt, so heavy omg, and went to look for you.
As I was exiting, I noticed the weirdness of the fact that not a single person in this fine establishment seemed to mind my act of simply napping and leaving the premises. I hadn't even made a courtesy order. But nvm. I got up and spotted my friend A looming tall over at another table. We hadn't seen each other in years, I thought, and as I gazed at him, I figured a few more wouldn't hurt. He was with some super tall chick who looked like she was one of those well dressed folks that made you feel like they are frowning on your disheveled attire, so fuck her amirite? I exited from a side door, in the hopes of not catching him or being forced to say hello. Idk why, I must have been feeling dickish. It's interesting that I projected my dickery on to her and made it her fault somewhat. Rationalisations are bae.
Outside, the decor was comforting and vaguely marble like. I took the stairs and the stairs had these wooden handrails which were elaborate. I decided to hurry up and leave before A came out, and in my hurry I discovered that instead of running down the stairs, I could just float down. All I needed to do was push off from first step and then guide using railing. I think I sort of found my groove by the 4th iteration. I kept going down and finally hit what seemed like the ground floor. For some reason they had the toilets here, it was just a whole giant bathroom floor. Marble-ish, vaguely like Hogwarts. I met my friends N & P there. N looked despondent, and P just sort of glided in and out of view. I said hello, I've always liked N a lot. She was a bit distant at first. (Karma?), so I figured I'd just go out instead after the formalities were done. The outer room was now a kitchen and a maid was cooking beans, but the wrong kind. She told me she was about to throw them out. I was sad, what a waste. I told her I'd look for my mom and as her if its fine and could be salvaged. She said ok and I left to find my mom. I found her sitting with my cousin, who I ignored. ( dream me really is an asshat ). I asked mom if its fine that the maid cooked the wrong beans. My mom looked like she was about to start ranting so I hurriedly told her it's fine, I would go inform the maid otherwise. (Note: even my subconscious mind is scared of my mom's angry rants. BC) Went back to the kitchen and realised the maid was in the outhouse and she had left something roasting on the stove. At this point I think I just stopped caring and remembered you so I left to go outside.
I met N & P again, and Idk I wanted to hang out with N. She looked morose even now so I asked her what's up. She told me that 'Taureans are not to be trusted ' and by this I gathered her bae had done something wrong. She lived not far off, so I offered to walk with them part of the way. We made our way to a crossroads and narrow, open lanes lined with red bricks. It looked a little bit like old world and rustic but I wasn't sure how we had this landscape in the city. Dream me just goes with the flow, so we went down the lane and another perpendicular one opened up, slanting upwards. N and I parted with P and went up the lane which opened out to a giant house on top. House is the wrong word, it was like a big colonial mansion, sprawling but somehow at a height. We went up these stone steps that slowly became steeper and steeper and N went up them while I kept sensing vertigo. The house was closed and N said we had to wait for someone to show up for it to be opened. I kept feeling wonky, perched on this weird step. The house porch looked like those old stone temple porches, dim, semi dusty, and cold. I tried conversing with N, but she was stubbornly silent-ish. She crouched down from the top step while I held on to a groove in the step. A person I didn't recognize glided past us. The house was open at last. We went inside, the rooms were large and silent and gloomy. Filled with old furniture, carpets and dimly lit. The scale of the house was at odds with the inner furnishings, which were basic and non elegant. I wondered how N has such a giant abode, like zomg it must cost a lot to keep up. ( note to self: why are you such a capitalist? : ( ) I was talking of benign things, I wanted her to be okay but she got all weepy again. I offered her a hug which she accepted but had some weird conditional response like I get to lean my head to the left. It had to be just so. Go figure.
I started feeling uncomfortable, like I was in a place with a forbidding air. Not forbidden exactly, more like an uninvited guest. N too wasn't overly enthusiastic, so I asked if I should leave. She said okay and saw me off till a small set of steps, which were a little way away from the house. I asked if I could take a picture of the house from the outside cuz I wanted to sketch it. She agreed and I took my camera out.
The sun was at the perfect angle, orange sunlight kissing the tops of the Mansard style roof. It was framed on the side with tall pines that were swaying. It just looked so beautiful and cold and warm at the same time. Cold towards me, but warm af otherwise. I'm talking aura ( I guess?). I kept trying to capture a picture, but the camera simply wouldn't take it. Every time I tried, it came out distorted. It was almost as if the house didn't want to be photographed. I looked down from my vantage point and I realised that I was sort of hidden. The house and the grounds seemed to have forgotten that I was standing there. I tried again to take a clear picture. A dog pup and a wolf pup ambled up to me while I was trying to focus. They were very cuddly and adorable and definitely belonged to the house.
N popped up on our side, searching for them. She looked at me questioningly. I had the weird feeling throughout of trespassing on this house, and the people in it. Like even my friend somehow wasn't comfortable with me around even though I wasn't a threat but she would have preferred that I leave from that place. And I told her... You know, I've come to your place 3 times in the past but I never remember which turn to take from the main road to come find you. Isn't it odd? She didn't reply. She wasn't impolite, but I could tell she wasn't thrilled. I said bye once again and the little pups started accompanying me while I was leaving. I tried taking another pic but camera still wouldn't focus. Once again, in the midst of these rocky paths, I had a vague sense that I will forget this place the minute I walked out and be unable to locate it. I would only make it as far as the main road, but not spot this house. The whole scene seemed to politely be waiting for me to leave so it could go back to it's slumber. I also felt like I could get lost there, even though the main road looked to be close by. I think I walked around wondering wtf was this weirdness all about and the next thing I know, I'm awake, frantically trying to ensure I write all this down before I forget.
In conclusion, our brains make DMT and even Freud can't interpreted this so fuck him.
As I was exiting, I noticed the weirdness of the fact that not a single person in this fine establishment seemed to mind my act of simply napping and leaving the premises. I hadn't even made a courtesy order. But nvm. I got up and spotted my friend A looming tall over at another table. We hadn't seen each other in years, I thought, and as I gazed at him, I figured a few more wouldn't hurt. He was with some super tall chick who looked like she was one of those well dressed folks that made you feel like they are frowning on your disheveled attire, so fuck her amirite? I exited from a side door, in the hopes of not catching him or being forced to say hello. Idk why, I must have been feeling dickish. It's interesting that I projected my dickery on to her and made it her fault somewhat. Rationalisations are bae.
Outside, the decor was comforting and vaguely marble like. I took the stairs and the stairs had these wooden handrails which were elaborate. I decided to hurry up and leave before A came out, and in my hurry I discovered that instead of running down the stairs, I could just float down. All I needed to do was push off from first step and then guide using railing. I think I sort of found my groove by the 4th iteration. I kept going down and finally hit what seemed like the ground floor. For some reason they had the toilets here, it was just a whole giant bathroom floor. Marble-ish, vaguely like Hogwarts. I met my friends N & P there. N looked despondent, and P just sort of glided in and out of view. I said hello, I've always liked N a lot. She was a bit distant at first. (Karma?), so I figured I'd just go out instead after the formalities were done. The outer room was now a kitchen and a maid was cooking beans, but the wrong kind. She told me she was about to throw them out. I was sad, what a waste. I told her I'd look for my mom and as her if its fine and could be salvaged. She said ok and I left to find my mom. I found her sitting with my cousin, who I ignored. ( dream me really is an asshat ). I asked mom if its fine that the maid cooked the wrong beans. My mom looked like she was about to start ranting so I hurriedly told her it's fine, I would go inform the maid otherwise. (Note: even my subconscious mind is scared of my mom's angry rants. BC) Went back to the kitchen and realised the maid was in the outhouse and she had left something roasting on the stove. At this point I think I just stopped caring and remembered you so I left to go outside.
I met N & P again, and Idk I wanted to hang out with N. She looked morose even now so I asked her what's up. She told me that 'Taureans are not to be trusted ' and by this I gathered her bae had done something wrong. She lived not far off, so I offered to walk with them part of the way. We made our way to a crossroads and narrow, open lanes lined with red bricks. It looked a little bit like old world and rustic but I wasn't sure how we had this landscape in the city. Dream me just goes with the flow, so we went down the lane and another perpendicular one opened up, slanting upwards. N and I parted with P and went up the lane which opened out to a giant house on top. House is the wrong word, it was like a big colonial mansion, sprawling but somehow at a height. We went up these stone steps that slowly became steeper and steeper and N went up them while I kept sensing vertigo. The house was closed and N said we had to wait for someone to show up for it to be opened. I kept feeling wonky, perched on this weird step. The house porch looked like those old stone temple porches, dim, semi dusty, and cold. I tried conversing with N, but she was stubbornly silent-ish. She crouched down from the top step while I held on to a groove in the step. A person I didn't recognize glided past us. The house was open at last. We went inside, the rooms were large and silent and gloomy. Filled with old furniture, carpets and dimly lit. The scale of the house was at odds with the inner furnishings, which were basic and non elegant. I wondered how N has such a giant abode, like zomg it must cost a lot to keep up. ( note to self: why are you such a capitalist? : ( ) I was talking of benign things, I wanted her to be okay but she got all weepy again. I offered her a hug which she accepted but had some weird conditional response like I get to lean my head to the left. It had to be just so. Go figure.
I started feeling uncomfortable, like I was in a place with a forbidding air. Not forbidden exactly, more like an uninvited guest. N too wasn't overly enthusiastic, so I asked if I should leave. She said okay and saw me off till a small set of steps, which were a little way away from the house. I asked if I could take a picture of the house from the outside cuz I wanted to sketch it. She agreed and I took my camera out.
The sun was at the perfect angle, orange sunlight kissing the tops of the Mansard style roof. It was framed on the side with tall pines that were swaying. It just looked so beautiful and cold and warm at the same time. Cold towards me, but warm af otherwise. I'm talking aura ( I guess?). I kept trying to capture a picture, but the camera simply wouldn't take it. Every time I tried, it came out distorted. It was almost as if the house didn't want to be photographed. I looked down from my vantage point and I realised that I was sort of hidden. The house and the grounds seemed to have forgotten that I was standing there. I tried again to take a clear picture. A dog pup and a wolf pup ambled up to me while I was trying to focus. They were very cuddly and adorable and definitely belonged to the house.
N popped up on our side, searching for them. She looked at me questioningly. I had the weird feeling throughout of trespassing on this house, and the people in it. Like even my friend somehow wasn't comfortable with me around even though I wasn't a threat but she would have preferred that I leave from that place. And I told her... You know, I've come to your place 3 times in the past but I never remember which turn to take from the main road to come find you. Isn't it odd? She didn't reply. She wasn't impolite, but I could tell she wasn't thrilled. I said bye once again and the little pups started accompanying me while I was leaving. I tried taking another pic but camera still wouldn't focus. Once again, in the midst of these rocky paths, I had a vague sense that I will forget this place the minute I walked out and be unable to locate it. I would only make it as far as the main road, but not spot this house. The whole scene seemed to politely be waiting for me to leave so it could go back to it's slumber. I also felt like I could get lost there, even though the main road looked to be close by. I think I walked around wondering wtf was this weirdness all about and the next thing I know, I'm awake, frantically trying to ensure I write all this down before I forget.
In conclusion, our brains make DMT and even Freud can't interpreted this so fuck him.
Friday, June 26, 2020
The Myth of Adulthood
... it was such a lie bc.
When I was a kid, the adults were like mythical beasts, the All Powerful. To be Obeyed and indulged but never crossed. They knew everything and could dictate everything. Challenging their all encompassing reign was simply the stuff of legends. A mere mortal like me couldn't dream of doing more than sulking privately. The only ones who dared poke the dragon were the wild ones, running away from home for hours, hours!, and not just the few allotted time slots where I pretend did. I distinctly remember promising fealty to the authority, and never questioning it. It never occurred to me to think of the status quo as cyclic.
I spent 21 years in awe of it, and then started shrugging it off slowly. But never once did I relate or see myself as one of them. I kept looking for signs of them among my peers. It was a surreal journey to be honest. A couple of friends got married when we hit 24 and I thought, okay maybe this is it! These are the mighty among us, ones who can conceptualize of a duality. My largest concerns around that time were how to locate and secure stuff or wine or both. Clearly not worthy aims when you think about these creatures who wanted to embrace a life long hood of sorts. I tip toed around them, trying to understand it and unveil some form of profoundness in their existence that I could learn from. There was a distinct feeling of being an outsider back then. It always intensified when I witnessed decision making that went with the accepted norm. I simultaneously hated and loved the fact that I could never do it. I'd never been good at pretending to feel differently than I do internally. The problem was... how I felt internally just never seemed to overlap with what the crowd wanted. There was no bucket I could safely slot myself into, and have the comfort of numbers. I didn't fully relate to the corporate jugglers who were out to make you marvel at their tricks. Neither could I relate completely to the creators who were so immersed in their craft that they allowed the craft to craft them. I wasn't a skank, but I also didn't look at guys and see babies. I guess it was hard for me to give myself up easily to anything. Existing within this dichotomy was interesting.
A couple years passed by, life came in with its own demands. Careers went on as usual. 'I build a product, I started this venture, I owned the PnL, I got the best valuation, blah blah blah.' It started sinking in that we were slowly nearing that point where the authority in us should rise. Maybe social media was delaying it. The folks who got married early were jaded, the ones who were trying to make a serious commitment also had reservations or obligations. We all kept up pretenses ofcourse, but this wasn't how I'd imagined it to be. People were still making the same choices they had been making. They just looked a bit older while they did it, and rationalized it better. Shouldn't we just know by now? The OG authority was also cracking, I could see the flaws in them and their life. It was heartbreaking, and nothing really made sense. That was the final frontier for the illusion to just come crashing down.
And today I read a bunch of musings from other people. Both younger and older. It was the kind of writing that made you sense the writer's need for privacy and underlined their distaste for the limelight.
And if you were careful, and you read between the lines, you could tell that they nurtured a giant hard on for themselves. It wasn't lewd, nor was it tame. It wasn't even very conspicuous, to be fair to everyone. But it did exist. I see the same literary boners in mine. All of them had some core themes in common: Life, love, ambition, nostalgia, anger and a magnetic pull for the past. Like coins from the same mint, same design but just slightly different production years. These are the themes that bind us, whether we acknowledge it or not. The biggest thing they reveal to me is that everyone is just stuck in the limbo of life. People who seem sorted at first glance can often be people who don't spare too many thoughts for the why of their existence.
I think I've finally identified a unifying thought that made sense. Everything is fucking arbitrary, we just pretend like it isn't.
I remember this old quote by Jobs: 'When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it… Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.'
People keep saying he was one smart cookie, so I am going to assume this is true.
When I was a kid, the adults were like mythical beasts, the All Powerful. To be Obeyed and indulged but never crossed. They knew everything and could dictate everything. Challenging their all encompassing reign was simply the stuff of legends. A mere mortal like me couldn't dream of doing more than sulking privately. The only ones who dared poke the dragon were the wild ones, running away from home for hours, hours!, and not just the few allotted time slots where I pretend did. I distinctly remember promising fealty to the authority, and never questioning it. It never occurred to me to think of the status quo as cyclic.
I spent 21 years in awe of it, and then started shrugging it off slowly. But never once did I relate or see myself as one of them. I kept looking for signs of them among my peers. It was a surreal journey to be honest. A couple of friends got married when we hit 24 and I thought, okay maybe this is it! These are the mighty among us, ones who can conceptualize of a duality. My largest concerns around that time were how to locate and secure stuff or wine or both. Clearly not worthy aims when you think about these creatures who wanted to embrace a life long hood of sorts. I tip toed around them, trying to understand it and unveil some form of profoundness in their existence that I could learn from. There was a distinct feeling of being an outsider back then. It always intensified when I witnessed decision making that went with the accepted norm. I simultaneously hated and loved the fact that I could never do it. I'd never been good at pretending to feel differently than I do internally. The problem was... how I felt internally just never seemed to overlap with what the crowd wanted. There was no bucket I could safely slot myself into, and have the comfort of numbers. I didn't fully relate to the corporate jugglers who were out to make you marvel at their tricks. Neither could I relate completely to the creators who were so immersed in their craft that they allowed the craft to craft them. I wasn't a skank, but I also didn't look at guys and see babies. I guess it was hard for me to give myself up easily to anything. Existing within this dichotomy was interesting.
A couple years passed by, life came in with its own demands. Careers went on as usual. 'I build a product, I started this venture, I owned the PnL, I got the best valuation, blah blah blah.' It started sinking in that we were slowly nearing that point where the authority in us should rise. Maybe social media was delaying it. The folks who got married early were jaded, the ones who were trying to make a serious commitment also had reservations or obligations. We all kept up pretenses ofcourse, but this wasn't how I'd imagined it to be. People were still making the same choices they had been making. They just looked a bit older while they did it, and rationalized it better. Shouldn't we just know by now? The OG authority was also cracking, I could see the flaws in them and their life. It was heartbreaking, and nothing really made sense. That was the final frontier for the illusion to just come crashing down.
And today I read a bunch of musings from other people. Both younger and older. It was the kind of writing that made you sense the writer's need for privacy and underlined their distaste for the limelight.
And if you were careful, and you read between the lines, you could tell that they nurtured a giant hard on for themselves. It wasn't lewd, nor was it tame. It wasn't even very conspicuous, to be fair to everyone. But it did exist. I see the same literary boners in mine. All of them had some core themes in common: Life, love, ambition, nostalgia, anger and a magnetic pull for the past. Like coins from the same mint, same design but just slightly different production years. These are the themes that bind us, whether we acknowledge it or not. The biggest thing they reveal to me is that everyone is just stuck in the limbo of life. People who seem sorted at first glance can often be people who don't spare too many thoughts for the why of their existence.
I think I've finally identified a unifying thought that made sense. Everything is fucking arbitrary, we just pretend like it isn't.
I remember this old quote by Jobs: 'When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it… Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.'
People keep saying he was one smart cookie, so I am going to assume this is true.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Ting tong ting
Green Worlds comes on, toot toot toot. It ignites memory within, a chull of desire.
There’s a base note of urgency, followed by the rhythmic chanting of a monotone.
Somehow the urgency is highlighted by the monotone. I lean into the song. Try to lose myself. It was possible for me to do that at some point of time, hell for a full decade. I keep it playing in the background, hoping for some part of my former self to come alive. And pick up where we left off.
Friday, September 27, 2019
Monday, August 19, 2019
Ouchies
'Funny are people.' I tell myself that, even when they do things that are not remotely funny.
Horn Ok Please
"Curiouser and curiouser" Alice would say, if she were to see the state of the world now. Not in wonder, maybe not in amazement, but as a knee-jerk to the loud sound of people opining about other people who are opining about other people who are opining about other people until we all drown in a hail of loudness and noise and lost opportunity.
"What have you done?" she would ask, possibly to Spiegel and Zuck-man and Systrom, all of whom would disregard that tiny question as it dies a quick death, plopping wordlessly into a brightly lit center of an endless room.
"I care, I Don't Care, Watch me, see Me, Know Me, Don't Know ME, How Dare You, How Dare I, I ddddd...daaaared."
It's okay Alice.
The half life of a PoV is 4 seconds or less.
Let's drink beer.
"What have you done?" she would ask, possibly to Spiegel and Zuck-man and Systrom, all of whom would disregard that tiny question as it dies a quick death, plopping wordlessly into a brightly lit center of an endless room.
"I care, I Don't Care, Watch me, see Me, Know Me, Don't Know ME, How Dare You, How Dare I, I ddddd...daaaared."
It's okay Alice.
The half life of a PoV is 4 seconds or less.
Let's drink beer.
Rrrrriiiing
Tring tring, tring-a-ling
Jack and Sparrow
Make me sing
Tring tring, tring-a-ling
Catch the worm
Make a ding
Jack and Sparrow
Make me sing
Tring tring, tring-a-ling
Catch the worm
Make a ding
Friday, June 14, 2019
Why
is younger Tom Cruise so dreamy?
and the older him a Scientologist? << insert emoji >>
The world is so cray, with no end in sight.
and the older him a Scientologist? << insert emoji >>
The world is so cray, with no end in sight.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
The Roads Not Taken
I feel like the essence of love I have felt so far can be condensed down to the thought that I have a yearning to be understood and loved, all at the same time. To bask in the light of that special oneness you feel when your lover helps shine the light on the best of you. Earlier I would wonder what and who am I looking for. Meeting someone likely or unlikely, having the idea of it slowly formulate, and then reaching a point beyond which I can't go. Being with The Fool has been the closest I have ever come to truly wanting someone. I still remember how every fiber in my being screamed out for him, and what he represented. He was my picture inside the snow globe, an idea of happiness I had not even known until I met him. Funny thing was, he was one of the unlikely ones. As I must have been for him. Such a false positive. But those few months, excruciating as they were, were also testament to the bottomless pit of love I felt for him. The genuineness of those moments are now sullied by the bad bad choices we make as humans. Sullied and torn and called to question because when the outer waves and demands of life set in, the inner voice, world and beauty all just slyly disappear in the glare of the harshness the world thrusts on you. And today what lingers is numbness, like a healed surgical cut which might remind you that you were once in a painful place, but can't quite relate to anymore. This is the sad part. Most lovers leave behind a part of them you can continue to love in a bittersweet way, a distant memory to be evoked in the years to come, to reflect on fondly, or with amusement. I just never realised that some cuts can be so deep, that they remove the entirety of the person you once loved. I guess there's some agonising sense of poetry in that. Some writer somewhere would be able to craft it into a story with pretty words and evoke imagery that makes you feel the want, the desire and the loss. But for now, all this makes me wonder about are the paths I am not taking.
Years ago there was a path I didn't take. While I don't regret it, I also know that in the middle of all the wrong ones, this one might have brought me mundane happiness that is enough for most people. And I was so sure at the time that it wouldn't be enough. The experience I wanted simply didn't lie with him. Years later The Fool made me feel like I might actually be okay with the mundane and the ordinary. After all, he was mundane and ordinary.
And today I feel like there is another path I am not taking. Simply because it doesn't fit my worldview, and the distant call my heart keeps hearing. It feels less like falling in love and more like settling for someone who is willing to provide what one might need - security, an assurance that you would not be cheated on, that in their own way - you'd be taken care of. I am tired of losing people, but allowing this possibility to bloom would be akin to giving in, and somehow choosing to provide for someone who doesn't understand me or my inner needs at all. And who would quite possibly never get them. The irony is that it wouldn't occur to him that I might need something too, he would be happy because the version of me he knows is the one who gives the understanding and niceness he craves. Or the fact that his interest evokes nothing but irritation and annoyance in me. There's nothing I would like better than to sever this possibility before it rears its head like the ugly beast it threatens to become.
Funny are the things we want, and less so the ones we don't. We are nothing but kids stumbling around in the dark, trying to find a way out.
Years ago there was a path I didn't take. While I don't regret it, I also know that in the middle of all the wrong ones, this one might have brought me mundane happiness that is enough for most people. And I was so sure at the time that it wouldn't be enough. The experience I wanted simply didn't lie with him. Years later The Fool made me feel like I might actually be okay with the mundane and the ordinary. After all, he was mundane and ordinary.
And today I feel like there is another path I am not taking. Simply because it doesn't fit my worldview, and the distant call my heart keeps hearing. It feels less like falling in love and more like settling for someone who is willing to provide what one might need - security, an assurance that you would not be cheated on, that in their own way - you'd be taken care of. I am tired of losing people, but allowing this possibility to bloom would be akin to giving in, and somehow choosing to provide for someone who doesn't understand me or my inner needs at all. And who would quite possibly never get them. The irony is that it wouldn't occur to him that I might need something too, he would be happy because the version of me he knows is the one who gives the understanding and niceness he craves. Or the fact that his interest evokes nothing but irritation and annoyance in me. There's nothing I would like better than to sever this possibility before it rears its head like the ugly beast it threatens to become.
Funny are the things we want, and less so the ones we don't. We are nothing but kids stumbling around in the dark, trying to find a way out.
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