lamplight

I feel a deep deep sense of harmony, hope and balance growing inside me lately. May I keep it? 

is there

any real point in being wise? 

I try, but failing at it is what gives me my most precious memories. What in the oops. 

dreamy

that's the best way I can describe today. Busy all day, yet with no real plan of what to do. And a whole lot of oldoldold music I had forgotten to listen to in a long time. Surprise me, life! ♥️

careless

Sometimes I wonder how it's so easy for someone to hurt you out of the blue, and show no remorse

listening

I love this

thung thilung Tung Tung Tung Tung

Always a note different from what I expected

Always a playground away from me

Outlines and squares

Keeping it moroccon

But more importantly

Always away from me

you know what

The constitution of glory is a mix of bit parts of delusion

feeking weak

Sometimes it feels like the few vulnerable moments I choose to open up about seem very silly to others and they immediately start to tease me about it. And in my head it just feels like this huge thing. And I hate then I try to be open minded about other people's lives but in return they don't even realise when I'm sharing something serious. The irony is that I just share the little stuff just to see what the reaction would be and when I encounter mockery I close right back up. Maybe this sharing thing is overrated and I should go back to old status quo.

Smells

Today I smell like those fancy yet feminine girls. When I was a kid, the girly ones used to smell so upscale, I used to feel in awe of them. Like these ethereal beings that were lady like and not clumsy like me. They always had this particular scent that conveyed more than just a mere smell. It was a combination of femininity, girlhood, elitism and some unshakable poise. A type of femininity I could never exude,it felt inauthentic to the point of fakeness. I used to wonder what was so different between them and me at times, feeling like a loud block of human around them. Mostly I used to shrug it off. And today I smell like them. 

Turns out it's ginseng body lotion. 

Memory Space

I had an old phone that I refused to give up. It was nice but lacked memory space and I decided to compromise by promising myself I'll delete all my data regularly just so I could keep the phone for longer. I don't know why I did that. I could have upgraded at any point but I simply refused to, because I tend to have a weird attachment to things I own. Its not like acclimating to a new one would be tough, I would transfer all my attachment to the new one in due time, it's a weird form of inertia that makes me cling to the familiar in my private life.

This, in a nutshell, is where I am constantly going wrong.

Dhammapada

Started reading this last week, halfway through. It feels so nice to read, but it's also so tough to practice. Let me see if some lessons stick.

Bike Ride

Woohooo! I finished a 50km ride, for the first time ever. Feeling tired and sort of sad but also happy. Go meee!

Chessings

 Kill me Chess, why don't you? End me like you end my undefended pieces. End me like the queen ends me, when she has a little help from the knight. These be my notes so far:

1. GUARD AND DEFEND. Like omg. All my lost games are due to not guarding my pieces. Save me, John. I will die on this hill.

2. Restraint. It might look like a good move, but if the opp has a chance to take you out in one, then stop and guard.

3. Get the knight on g5 if you can, vv useful.

4. Pick correctly between captures if you have a choice of K v B.

5. No more Blitz till you finish 100 rapids atleast.

6. When the Q is out... why the fuck do you not look at what she can do? 

7. Play to defend and not blunder for the first 100 games, and see if there's some improvement.

8. Patience :( 

The sickening uniformity of Beige

 

"If you dial," Iran said, eyes open and watching, "for greater venom, then I'll dial the same. I'll dial the maximum and you'll see a fight that makes every argument we've had up to now seem like nothing. Dial and see; just try me." She rose swiftly, loped to the console of her own mood organ, stood glaring at him, waiting. He sighed, defeated by her threat. "I'll dial what's on my schedule for today." Examining the schedule for January 3, 1992, he saw that a businesslike professional attitude was called for. "If I dial by schedule," he said warily, "will you agree to also?" He waited, canny enough not to commit himself until his wife had agreed to follow suit.

- Do androids dream of electric sheep?

I'm curious. If you live in a society governed by mood regulators, and everyone has the same deviations available to them, then does that mean we have potentially solved for equality of outcome? 

Ode to the traveller

 You've been with me through thick and thin. On travels long and short. It's only fitting that "Crossroads" comes on. We are at one today. 

I'd say it's been 5 years since I've known you, give or take. I still remember the day we met. It was in that dusty shop in V's lane. The only one open on that rainy day in that annoying part of town. Tucked between shops run by sweaty men selling sketchy, aromatic rolls and a petty shop selling things you didn't know you need. A chance meeting, fated even. I knew I had to have you the minute I saw you. Something about the fact that you had no need to stand out - was comforting to me. To me it spelt functional, secure, laid back, dependable. In my eyes, those qualities made you a star. 

Coals simmer while flames die out. And you, my sweet sweet love, are grade A coal! Top notch, the finest, like zoinks x 10. You hung around, got older, reassuring asf but never demanding. I took you for granted, if I am being honest.

This year we haven't been so lucky. We've seen so many patchy days.  People started spotting it as well. Everytime they saw us, they'd ask me what was wrong. "You're tearing me apaaart, Lisa!" is what I want to say. I knew what they meant. I could see that you were changing, we were not snug like we used to be. It's like some inexplicable distance crept in and refused to leave. That's probably on me. I knew the end was nearing, but I chose to look the other way.

Today is the day, when you let me down. I stood up, and you promptly fell down. It was a good ten seconds that I was silent. I saw you crumpled at my feet, your folds so serene. I stepped out of you, held you, caressed you for a while.

I know I have to let you go. It hurts even to say so. My soft grey companion...may you rest in peace.

Rant

AaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa

Kdone!