Drive

I was thinking about driven people last night, and how their blind spot seems to be themselves at times. The thought actually came to me when I remembered Nadal at AO and how he was insisting on breaking his body, despite being so completely loved and declared as the goat over and over. I never wanted Xisca crying to be amongst my tennis memories, but that image of her while Nadal was being Nadal is so vivid to me. Tears that fall despite your best effort to hide them. That was the one moment when I just wanted to snap even at Nadal lmao. Me and M were both so united in our desire to shout at him along with her haha, and it came out as pure instinct. I bet all women would be united behind that thought, it feels like one of those gender things that's deeply rooted. 

It's not as if I don't understand the desire to prove yourself or ambition and focus, I do. But I feel there comes a point where one has to be at peace with oneself as well, and that point is important because it shows that you overcame even your own desire, which transcends into self mastery. I think people have a very underrated opinion of that type of peace with the self, because they never realise that baked into the nature of "proving oneself" is an element of bowing to something external, whereas true mastery is always internal and you never have to bow after that. Like FedEx, who gave it his best and is now a happy man, choosing to live a life of exploration. It's a simple thing, but knowing that you are more than just your ambitions is also a way to remove self imposed limits. 

I guess maybe I also feel this way cuz the idea of being controlled by something is abhorrent to me, I've always wanted to have the disciple and the 'freedom' to choose my responses as opposed to being reactive. During my reactive phase I used to feel horrible cuz everything around me controlled me. I was aggressive and defensive and quite possibly hard to deal with, and it stemmed from me want to protect myself and my fear of losing what's important to me.

Now that feeling is very minimal, and I'm more or less able to find my mean even when I have occasional flights of reactionary instincts. Which is good, fucking finally. I had to work so hard over the last couple of years to break out of old patterns. It literally took sheer tyranny of will lol. What's interesting is, the more I changed, the more unfamiliar and yet enticing the future seems to be. 

I like it. I hope life keeps taking me in directions that are unexplored and stays equal parts interesting and rewarding. A good thought to begin a Sunday on. A non alcoholic cheers hehe!🥂