Weird

I was thinking about it just now, I actually started getting happier sometime last year and coincidentally found the stream around the same time. Just saying bs on there actually made me rediscover my love for stupid lines and brings me joy. Strange are the things that make a difference. I even loved writing rubbish on the yt, simply cuz it tickled me lots to be able to do that in peace. It became a coffee routine for a while lol. I've hardly ever had the chance to feel just free and silly I guess, but this helps. Also nice to be able to finally feel like myself.

I'm glad I found it, it's like a lil slice of sunshine tbh. Haha, I'll never admit this to anyone, but I am grateful I did. :) Love it when life just gives you random surprises. 

Zzz

Want to take a day off and continue sleeeeeping zzzzz

Edit: what do you know, morning isn't so bad after all. Messing with Kitty is so fun! Keeps such a stoic face, imma have to try and get him to break character. Bring ittt! 😬

Raves - update

For once, I feel like a total boomer. Raves was pinging me today, telling me about how down he feels and how his gf and he were having issues. Last time we spoke, he was talking about them exploring sex clubs and couple dates so I was somewhat surprised. When I asked why, he said she wants things to be more solid between them but he is confused cuz she says that but also wanted to talk to other couples and went out on a 'friend date' with some dude. Istg my mind was like " umm whaaat ". And then he goes ... Which I don't mind but she had indicated that she didn't want to up until she actually went. And she happens to be a psychologist, which is just chef's kiss imo. I can't tell you how hard I was rolling my eyes by then. 

Ordinarily, I try to be as non judgemental as possible and I understand people wanting to explore their lives etc. But this time all I could think of was " wow, people really enjoy fucking their own lives up so much. " Like how do you have time to be this self indulgent and at the same time be this non self aware? He said he doesn't mind it but he feels bad that there weren't clear communication lines. 🤦‍♀️

I, like many before me, just do not understand the younger gen sometimes lol. Clear communication my ass. How tf do you sit around waiting for your partner to get back from their date? Unreal. Anyway, I didn't say any of that, but let's just say I'm glad he didn't know my expressions during that entire convo.

I feel like sometimes people just end up dating people they aren't compatible with because it's an alternative to feeling lonely. That's understandable, but is it really worth this much hassle? I don't know. Like I miss being in a relationship, but the part I miss is being cared for by someone and being able to rely on them. It's actually been a long time since I felt that feeling of someone just cocooning me, and it's definitely  the one thing that will make me want to commit if I find it. If I were to be honest, I am starting to wish that the right kind of relationship just falls into my lap now. I know I'd love to get married and have a family of my own. But I don't think I can do meaningless stuff anymore, especially stuff like this gen z bs.What raves has sounds like a living nightmare to me. All this talk of 'figuring things out' with each other just sounds so hollow and like dancing around reality. Lmao again my eyes are starting to roll. I actually don't have a shred of sympathy here. So yeah, sounds like my boomer transition is complete cuz I'm officially experiencing a total and utter rejection of all the dating premises of the younglings now. Idiots.

I feel

Like YELLING!

How much fucking pain does someone have to be in before they actually go to a doctor like wtffff! 

Aaaaah!!

fuck man, I hate this so much, I'm legit close to losing my temper and saying something stupid. 

I actually just want to call and yell and hang up!!

God! So fucking stubbbornn!! 

I HATE THIS

😭😭😭😭😭😭

Yukio Mishima

After a long time, I read a book from start to finish over a single night, and want to quickly get me thoughts in before I start my day.  

Finished reading Temple of the Golden Pavilion and while I can't say it's my favourite Mishima, it's still one of his best imo. One of the things I love about his writing is how he captures the inner monologues of his characters with such simplicity. And all his plots have this quality of the monologue interacting with the outside world. He is one of the first authors I've read who does that and in a way it strikes me as a very realistic way to portray a person. 

The obsession, rage, repulsion and contempt of Mizoguchi is equal parts fascinating and revolting to me. In some sense I find him more visceral than Raskolnikov even. ( Full confession - thought Rodya was a total idiot ) Actually  maybe he is more like Smerdyakov if I think about it. His desire to destroy beauty because he is so possessive he would rather be the one to damage it than allow anyone else to have it plays well into Smerdyakov's character too. Come to think of it, I need to read Shakespeare and check out how Iago is written. I have a feeling he would be similar. 

I don't exactly resonate with his obsession with beauty, so I definitely don't understand parts of the novel especially their style of sexuality which idk seems to have repression and voyeurism in equal parts. But I'm guessing that's a culture disconnect for me more than anything. 

To me, Mishima is in the vein of Dostoevsky ezpz. But from what I read about him, he was an oddball too and his later years had some very sketch actions. Still, I guess people are more than the worst things they do and you can be clever and a turd at the same time. 

Oh well, time to round this off. 

I really hope I find more books that fascinate me and compel me to read them obsessively the way I used to as a kid. That one summer at granny's I spent reading 2 Enid Blytons a day round the clock with no sleep was deffo the best summer of my life. I remember how confused that librarian was cuz he thought I was just checking books out lol. Whereas I had a calendar marked down to the end of holidays and I had counted the number of Blytons I needed to read a day so I don't miss out on even one from his collection. Lol. I was such a weirdo. He still remembers me for that, and never fails to tell me this whenever I visit. 

Maaaan, it's been years and I haven't had that feeling of total immersion and I miss it so damn much!

Well

Meddy got fucked by a rando, I had a feeling this might happen to him and Alcaraz too tbh, let's see. One down, one to go. This is getting interesting. 

I wonder

 ... How much of an adult can I really be, when I make decisions like running in the rain, be stubborn enough to finish the run, get drenched, come home, keep the AC on low, fall asleep and then have the audacity to wonder why I have a cold.

The hypocrisy of lecturing others on self care while making bullshit decisions for yourself. 

But hey, all adults are hypocrites. So looks like I'm one after all. Woohoo, go me! 

🥚

 I love eggs

Whoa

Did I wake up in another timeline or did men in mine decide to be sensible? What is this miracle?

Hehe good.

Can't seem to shrug the urge to be sarcastic even when I feel glad. Good luck to whoever chooses to deal with me forever. :D I'll try to make you happy, but I'll definitely annoy you from time to time. 

Fuck it

Imma go run a 15k tonight, if it rains let it idgaf.

Let's fucking gooooo

Boop

Wanted to work on a short story today but I find I have no energy. Bleh. Time for strong coffee. On the plus side, Djoko seems to be winning ezpz. Wonder how far he would go this RG, doubt he makes it to the finals. Let's see if it's Meddy or Alcaraz this time or do both get knocked out randomly midway. Seems unlikely though. 

It's funny, even with no Rafa, no part of me actually cares about Djoko at all. He seems to be a lot slower and losing the plot a lot more these days, must be feeling the heat.

Note to self: 

1.If you fall asleep after washing your hair, you wake up looking like a popped corn.

2. Do not boil broccoli and leave the water in the sink, that stench is unholy asf. Yuuuck. 

...

It's Monday and I'm just waking up and the first thing I read is you are going to play tennis yet again lmao. Nothing I say matters, huh? Lol. I feel stupid. Whatever. Go play, bang your neighbour and live your life to the fullest. Idc

Lazy Sundays

Today's plan is to have no plan and just lie down and put the AC as low as possible and laze around and watch a dumb movie. Woohoo.

Imma ignore everyone and OMG I CAN SEE MARS ATTACKS, it's been years I wonder if it still holds up!!

AND I can drink orange juice in bed like a heathen! 😬😬😬

Time to have a good day! 

Edit: should have just stayed in bed. Better than knowing what I do now. Why do I even bother, my fault entirely. It's like I want to include you in my life and then I read something and then I just can't tell if you give a shit or not. Wish you did, but I truly don't know if you do and I just hate this swing state of not knowing. 

Bottom line is...you can't have it both ways. You can't have others and me. I can't share. It's the one thing I simply cannot do. And if you wanna bang your neighbour then so be it.

SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED.

Drive

I was thinking about driven people last night, and how their blind spot seems to be themselves at times. The thought actually came to me when I remembered Nadal at AO and how he was insisting on breaking his body, despite being so completely loved and declared as the goat over and over. I never wanted Xisca crying to be amongst my tennis memories, but that image of her while Nadal was being Nadal is so vivid to me. Tears that fall despite your best effort to hide them. That was the one moment when I just wanted to snap even at Nadal lmao. Me and M were both so united in our desire to shout at him along with her haha, and it came out as pure instinct. I bet all women would be united behind that thought, it feels like one of those gender things that's deeply rooted. 

It's not as if I don't understand the desire to prove yourself or ambition and focus, I do. But I feel there comes a point where one has to be at peace with oneself as well, and that point is important because it shows that you overcame even your own desire, which transcends into self mastery. I think people have a very underrated opinion of that type of peace with the self, because they never realise that baked into the nature of "proving oneself" is an element of bowing to something external, whereas true mastery is always internal and you never have to bow after that. Like FedEx, who gave it his best and is now a happy man, choosing to live a life of exploration. It's a simple thing, but knowing that you are more than just your ambitions is also a way to remove self imposed limits. 

I guess maybe I also feel this way cuz the idea of being controlled by something is abhorrent to me, I've always wanted to have the disciple and the 'freedom' to choose my responses as opposed to being reactive. During my reactive phase I used to feel horrible cuz everything around me controlled me. I was aggressive and defensive and quite possibly hard to deal with, and it stemmed from me want to protect myself and my fear of losing what's important to me.

Now that feeling is very minimal, and I'm more or less able to find my mean even when I have occasional flights of reactionary instincts. Which is good, fucking finally. I had to work so hard over the last couple of years to break out of old patterns. It literally took sheer tyranny of will lol. What's interesting is, the more I changed, the more unfamiliar and yet enticing the future seems to be. 

I like it. I hope life keeps taking me in directions that are unexplored and stays equal parts interesting and rewarding. A good thought to begin a Sunday on. A non alcoholic cheers hehe!🥂

Bailey

Kachung!

With a jerk, she snapped upright. The white metal gate was starting to open.

"This it. Go." she thought and started to run towards it. The Bad Man in Dark Pants saw her coming. He moved forward to try and head her off. She lunged to her right and then to the left. Bad Man was not quick on his feet. "Dodge" she thought, whizzing past Bad Man.

A figure in a long dress was entering through the gate. "Yayyy." she smiled, running up to greet New Person.

 "I love you, New Person" she thought, and jumped up at her. 

She opened her mouth to give New Person a kiss.

"Ayyy... getoffdafaq" 

New Person seemed equally happy to see her.

She started kissing New Person as much as she could.

"GetHerOffMeAAAAaaa"

Bad Man was coming up from behind, carrying a big pointy thing that looked chewy.

"Not now Bad Man!" She darted in the opposite direction. "Oh no, oh no, oh no! Not Now." she thought, leaping over the shrubbery. She leapt to the left, then to the right, then to the left again.

She saw New Person also starting to run. "Game Time! Woooo. I love youu" she thought and started chasing her.

Kaaachuuuurrrnnnggg!

The gate was opening again.

"OMG ANOTHER PERSON"

She stopped mid run and flipped around, running back towards the gate. 

This one is on the big thing that goes rrrr. 

"No like. Back."

She turned away and started running back towards the house. 

New Person was trying to shut the glass door. Excited at the challenge, she put on a spurt of speed. 

"Be Quick" she told herself and darted inside just as the door was almost shut.

"Made it!!!!!" she started jumping with pleasure, the rolling on the carpet. 

Jump, Roll, Jump, Roll, Jump, Roll.

New Person looked at her with a mixture of exasperation and anxiety. Unable to understand the feeling of fear emanating from her, she opened her mouth to give New Person a kiss of reassurance. And another. And another. And another.

"aaaaahhhh.... what is wrong with you? Get off. Arrrruuuuuunnnn!" New Person seemed to be enjoying herself. 

The other door opened and the Hateful Small Man came in. 

"Avoid.Avoid.Avoid." 

Hateful Small Man opened the glass door and told her to get out. 

"How hateful."

She heard a rustle of leaves and decided to go for a run.

"Faster. Faster. Faster."

"... looks like she is losing her mind..."

She stopped to see who made the noise.

Boy with Broom was sitting in his usual place.

"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!"

She ran to greet him. He swooped his broom at her. Left, Right, Up, Right, Left.

"Almost got it!

 Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it! 

Almost got it!

Almost got it!

My bone was here!

Find BONE

Dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig 

dig

Broom.
Almost got it! 
Almost got it! 
Almost got it!
Almost got it!

but... BONE

DIG
DIG 
OMG DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG

Vrrroooommmm

MASTER!
MASTER HERE!!

MAAASSSSTERRRR!
MUST KISS HIM
She ran to the front as his boots appeared.

MUST KISSSS

HI MASTER
HI 
HI 
HI
HI 
OMGIMISSEDUWHEREWEREU?

Boot moving. Inside now.

HI MASTER
HI MASTER
HI MASTER
HI MASTER
HI MASTER
Master don't grab. Play.

She struggled as his strong arms grabbed the scruff of her neck.
He started leading her out the door again.

"NOOO... I JUST CAME IN!"

She struggled against his arms but couldn't quite break free. He led her out.

"Keep her outside, Arun! Don't let her in!"

Hateful Small Man again. Avoid.

She ran to the left, then a sharp right, then a sharp left. The back door is open. Good. 

"Where did master go?"

She stopped, looking around for him.

"Hahahaha...yeah I saw her attacking that small girl..." she heard his voice.

In his room.

Trotting to master's room, she found him next to her bed.

Bed. Ohhh

"Tired. Need sleep."

She walked slowly and climbed into her bed. 
Master yanked at her tail. Her heart filled with peace.

"Love You Master." she thought, as she snuggled in and closed her eyes. 

Everything is normal again.

------

Bails you crazy ass doggo, I don't know what possessed that girl to bring you into office, but you were truly one of a kind. The day you tried to bite one of our most important clients, was the day you won me over for good lmaooo. Heart! 

Wodehouse and Co.

"Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty."

Bravo!

You sir, are a genius! 

Very very few times I've come across authors that make me laugh out loud. You, Sue Townsend and Douglas Adams are a trinity of laughter riots for me. Three constants on my shelf ever since I was a child. At some point I realised that I actually tend to express myself a bit like you guys. There's a bit of magic in expressing absurdity with the help of a long winded statement that has mundane comparatives which sock you with their randomness. 

So I'll end this with two quotes by Townsend and Adams, just to round it off and maintain balance in love.

" I was racked with sexuality but it wore off when I helped my father put manure on our rose bed."

"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. "

And a special one for Marvin, the paranoid android whose utter disgust with everything has me in splits everytime. 

"You watch this door. It's about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates." 

Men 🙄

Why do men have to be stubborn? No but like why? Why? What is with the male gene and it's insistence on just not ever listening to anyone?  And it's not like they don't know stuff, they do. BUT! How else will they pay homage to their maleness if they actually babied themselves once in a while? Limb about to fall of? Nah, "tis but a scratch" they'll say. 🙄 

Nothing brings out the cliche woman in me as much as these folks like Nadal who just won't listen and make me want to badger and nag and then I realise I have to stfu and pretend to be cool and instead rant here to get it out of my system.  

=⁠_⁠= =⁠_⁠= =⁠_⁠= 

Smh. Whatever. Hope Mr. Stubbornness feels better soon, I hate seeing him wince in pain like that. :(

The greatest amongst us

Music is such a big part of my life. Whenever existential questions would pop up, there would be a song or a tune that would quell them with a teasing ease without fail. Just finished a small sketch of one of my fav composers, which I want to curate and look at ten years from now and see if I remember which song I was thinking of while making it. 

Slumber and Snooze

Hehe, baby animals are so cute! 

Meftal

How does such a tiny lil painkiller knock me out faster than Tendulkar when he was made the captain? Dayum, I still feel so woozy. BUT! Atleast the cramps are easing off 

*⁠\⁠0⁠/⁠*

Edit: been hours and I'm still woozy wtf, feels like there's an ocean in my head and it's slowly moving from side to side. 

Periods

 =⁠_⁠=

Hmmm

Weird are my triggers, I wonder who I would be if I weren't possessive. Probably someone a lot less stupid lol. Smh. Oh well. Que sera sera

Chess Things

You know, ordinarily I don't care about who plays what opening against me. I just figured that nomenclature is a waste of time for me to learn as of now, I'd rather just focus on getting the calculations right. 

But every once in a while soooome person comes along and plays the gambit against me, and I notice and something just awakens and  soooo makes me want to crush it lolol 🤺 

Tu tu tu tu tu tutututuututututututu 

Hehe 🤭

Ting Ting Ting

Curating for me:

Because I love this too

And because it makes me think of crazy souls that match up to a T

Hugsy Cozy Mornings

Woke up super early, got some work done, then heard Canon in D obsessively. Interspersed with AM. 

AND I GAINED CLOSE TO 150 POINTS ON LICHESS AFTER THAT OMG. 

Ooh la la la laaa ooo

Mad sounds just came on, and all this before 9 am. 

All that's left is a kick-ass workout and istg I'll be zen. 

This morning feels so nice 🙂

Kiki's tiny tot

M's 5 yo niece made her a birthday card and it just said 

" I love you too "

Istg I want that confidence in life. ♥️

Sniffles...

... because one must make it sound underwhelming, lest one gives away the intensity. 

And sometimes on a mundane day, you find it in the form of a song that goes straight to your heart.

and this one seems to be right in there in mine.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. 

Edit: it's a wedding song. I didn't know that.  Why do I never know these things? Loool. And it was composed as a wedding gift to Bach's brother. Wuuut. 

Edit2: ffs even the Dvorak song I like is a wedding song. Why am I like this? 🤦‍♀️

Sunshine

Back in 2017, I had written a tiny piece in which I wanted to capture how I'd like someone to see me. It was the first time I tried to imagine how I'd like to be loved, and what an idea of a happy place could be and how I'd like to be seen by someone's eyes. Up until then I would always assume I had to earn someone's love and I guess I wanted to try and break the wheel on it somewhat. So this little thing was my way of reminding myself of some things that are best left unarticulated. Looking at it again, there's not much I'd change even now, it's a sunlit slice of perfection for me. 

Home

"Listen to me girl, life is not a game"

She peeks from behind the curtain, little curls framing her face

Trying her hardest, not to give her presence away

He looks at her and smiles, unaware now

How did he get here, when did he start to belong?

The door bell rings 

squealing she runs out,

she needs to be the one

to always open the door,

to her it's not a chore

Ecstatic she runs,

into the waiting arms

of the one so like her, 

only old

Turning around he sees

A little way by his bedside, on a dimly lit table top

a picture of him and her; dancing to some song

was it their favorite one or was it 80's pop?

Those were the days, the madcap times

he used to chase her around the room

trying to reach into the lightness, her brightness

she was, she is;

precious as precious can be

The little one enters,

flushed with laughter, 

pulling her lookalike along

His heart starts to leap 

like a thousand happy, jumpy frogs

How did they get here, when did they start to belong?

A lil bit of chi

I think tonight, imma promise it to Alex Turner and his bassline and start with the all time fav 'Do I wanna know?' 

Man, even those lyrics are so damn seductive. Like Turner sings " That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day "

Except "crawling back to you". Lmao fuck never. Climbing into Kitty's lap? Oh now thaaat I might want to do. 

Funnily enough, to R U Mine? A song I'm convinced is written for me. 

Istg, AM is a guilty indulgence like no other album for me. 

I NEED

...TO LEARN HOW TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE WTF.

 

Made me laugh

An old friend texted me on discord after years and his opener was:

"Waggo.

OK so super random and weird, but I remembered you yesterday after eons because I was watching a video about identifying psychopaths and I remember we talked a lot about narcissists. "

Things that remind people of me lmfaoo. Wish he had just stopped at psychopaths, would have been 🤌 

Curating cuz I love it. *⁠\⁠0⁠/⁠*

Relationships

Raves pinged me last night. I was feeling low and asked him to tell me some fun fact and he goes " so me and my gf went to a sex club yesterday" lmao. Not what I was expecting, but deffo jolted me out of my funk. He then told me about them being in an experimental phase and how he doesn't know where it's going but he is trying his best to understand it. For once, I felt a generation gap kick-in inside me as I heard him out. I feel like the younger ones are trying a lot to explore the concept of open relationships. A nightmare concept in my opinion. I don't fundamentally get how someone can be open to seeing new people, having fun with them and still stay commited. I feel like younger people don't have a long term view on life, and maybe the in the moment stuff then makes them feel thrills. I recall my experimental phase, but I always chose to do it when I was single. For the life of me, the idea of someone I'm with wanting to or actually banging someone else just brings out such a visceral hate in me. It's the one time I'm simply not in control of my emotions. 

It made me think about J after an eternity, someone I simply chose to erase from my memory and life because of such an event. He wanted me to just stand by as an option while he chose to fuck all of tinder. It was in that moment I realised that I can forgive people if they hurt my feelings, but if they mess with my pride, a side of me comes out that is rarely seen. J wanted me to act normal and be chill with him fucking around because " he told me about it ". I had a near instant rebound, and a part of it was definitely fuelled by vengeance. That last night in his car when I told him there's no room for him in my life and he broke down, it made no difference to me at that point. And that indifference continues to this day. Even as I type this, no part me of actually cares about him any longer. It died the minute I said those words. It surprises me somewhat, given that J was a person that made me consider the idea of marriage, and was so dependent on me that it made me feel responsible for him. I guess ego is the one savior I have when it comes to protecting myself. I have the ability to deal with a lot of difficulties, but breaking a sacrosanct covenant touches a part in me that basically goes into annihilation mode. Lol. Side note - I don't mind that you chose to break my heart, J. But did you really have to be so brutal in your efficiency? Did you really have to leave me feeling like the most unlovable person on the planet? I'm glad you tindered tbh, atleast it got me to leave. Your dad's cancer and all the stuff you were dealing with might have prolonged my suffering in my desire to help see you through it. What a joke love sometimes turns out to be. 

Maybe Raves doesn't have the same spectrum of possessiveness that I do. Or maybe it's different  for guys, idk. But fuck you if think I'll ever be some rando option in your life lmao. I think in some sense I do view relationships as a bit of a transaction maybe. If I'm willing to look at the best in you, help you, care about you and people in your life, then the least I expect in return is respect and consideration. Idk if it's more a hardline approach or not romantic in it's essense, but I can't devalue the effort I consistently put for the sake of people around me. 

I'm very interested to see where this experiment leads Raves. Is it a truly a gen gap, or just a learning experience that will get him to understand my pov after he is done with that phase. 

Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice might say. You live, you fuck up, you learn and you come back to the mean. 

P.S. - happy birthday to an old friend, wherever you are,  I hope you are doing well. 

The irony in my impulsivity

Sometimes I feel like I say things without thinking, and people just get offended. I don't even mean to, and I've never once had an instinct to willingly or casually hurt someone, yet it feels like no matter how hard I try, some days I just can't do anything right. It's like the words have a life of their own, and people insist on finding the worst interpretation of it. I can't understand if this is operating from a space of no faith in me, or is it just me that's flawed. Can people really not see how much I actually care about them? Or does all of that just get washed away in an instant?

For as long as I can remember, I used to feel like an outsider just looking in. That feeling had levelled off the last couple of years, but stuff like this just brings it all back.

Bleh, I should just not talk to anyone. 

Edit: You know what...fuck it. I thought about it and I'm sick of just blaming myself when I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not putting up with bs, uncalled for treatment from anyone. 

:(

 Feeling so listless this week. 

FUCKING HATE CHESS

ONE STUPID MISCLICK FFS AAAAAA I HAD THAT DUDE EZPZ ON TIME AND ON THE BOARD AND I FUCKING LOST ON A FUCKING MISCLICK I HATE THIS STUPID GAME

Mittelschmerz

:(

Why do I get these? Hurts so much and so randomly :(. Just feel like curling up and crying, feeling so miserable rn

He's not Norm ♥️

Came across this posted somewhere today.

Tyson is such a pretentious braggart. While I don't care for twitter beefs, the thought Norm captures is so simple and yet so overlooked. Ugh, I just love him to bits. Always the smartest, never the loudest. What a complete gem he was! ♥️

A big wild kitty with stripes

Really restless this eve so here goes another bit of thought collection.

I ended up missing most of chess today and halfway down the day I realised I really like talking to M so much. He was winding up by the time I logged on, and a little part of me was like "ohh maaan" lol.

Idk why but I keep sensing that a very sweet, shy person lurks underneath all that aggression. I'm not actually sure about the shy part, but I deffo think he is waaay nicer than he lets people know. (Still remember that backstreet boys song he played lmao, it was the first thing that actually captured my attention.) Weird are the things that fascinate me, but these little little things are what make someone so endearing in my books. 

I actually wanna ask him so many many questions. Bet he will think I'm a total lunatic if I bombard him with all of them one shot. Hahaaha. That might be funny though. Just send a questionnaire with a request that it's answered diligently and elaborately. Dammit I want to try it, just to see what will happen. Must stop self. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ 

Ugh, I just haaaaate these stupid protocols and how you have to be polite and have a nonchalant face and alllll those stupid bells and whistles and hoops you have to adhere to because the world says so and it's the norm. Why can't people just trust and share, why is adulting so filled with rules?! 

Long back a friend had told me it takes atleast 6 months to get to know someone and trust them like wtf, 3 days is all you need imo 🙄

Anyway fiiiine, I'll act like a normie. BooOooring!

Nietzsche

I was re-reading some parts of Zarathustra. Try as I might, I simply can't get myself to align with Nietzsche, ever. Like in theory, he talks of personal power and seems to be a parallel to Machiavelli, and he is a very very sharp realist. I admire that, and the depth of his intellect is without question. BUT, the invincible summer in me just rejects his notion of power because it's so much to do with exploitation, ego and disregard for the other. Blind accumulation of power for self ends in the same way for everyone. You become a tyrant, then you die. Someone else always wants it from you. A season for it all. It's not really power either, for I do believe true power comes when people willingly hand it to you, and to paraphrase Aang, "your spirit remains unbendable". I don't know if I'm missing some essential PoV of his though. Could be.

I even understand Machiavelli's point of view, in times of strife and lack of rules, it's the best description of an optimized way to govern. But ugh, Mr. Nietzsche why do you always disregard the power in protectiveness and goodness? Do you not see them as the essential ingredients in courage? At the end of the day, tyranny is easy, and the choice of the fearful. There is no courage in that.

Sometimes I feel like all these philosophers were so immersed in the affairs of men that they completely disregarded women and the point of view that they could bring. 

Or maybe I'm just a Kierkegaard girl through and through. I truly think if there is any happiness to be found, it's in taking a leap of faith and knowing you either grow wings during that time or trusting you'll learn how to survive the fall. Either/Or. 

CONFUUUSIONNN

 Had a long call with a start up today morning. Should I join them or not? I can't decide ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ

Mood

Feel like taking a day off and crawling back in bed and watching star wars and drinking orange juice and setting the AC so low it freezes me.

😑

😑

Mittelschmerz. Why me? Why? 

No wonder I've been making this face for the last 24 hours. 

:(

No more Rafa after 2024 💔

Amuse the Muse

Erotica. That's right. I spent some time writing erotica and somehow I forgot that phase. I actually would like to write some more, might be fun. Go through the motions slowly and deliberately, making sure each beat is felt just the way it's intended. Something about weaving words into fantasies really turns me on. 

Wonder if I'll ever have the courage to share it. 

Currently singing

If you're lost you can look 

and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall...I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Time after time

...

Need something PG 13 and wholesome to remove this bad taste that is still lingering. 

Saw a snippet of an old interview of AK where he talked about how directors who can't capture emotions and nuance often end up using sex and violence as they are the easiest ways of baiting an audience into a reaction. Makes so much sense. Every poorly directed action movie has elements of both, all covered in a slick package.

Which reminds me of another snippet of a  lecture series I'd once checked out, and the topic was about refined minds will always choose higher order pleasures and therefore a Shakespeare or a Bach will always outrank any popular lit and music, while the latter may have the quality of junk food. At the time, I had wondered if it was a sustainable idea or simply one that sounds superior so everyone just agrees to it. But I'm starting to appreciate the depth of that thought, albeit slowly.

Wtf

Why is degrading women just such a source of pleasure for people. Fuck. I want to get rid of that fucked up imagery in my head rn, it's making me want to legit scream. What a fucking piece of shit.

Since I'm awake

...for no reason, :( let me collect my thoughts from today's trip.

I always wonder why people make the choices they do. Earlier, I think I was a bit obsessed with perfection and would be very dismissive of people who chose to behave in a way I thought was sub optimal. I think I've come to accept the greys somewhat now. Travelling today with M and her bf made me wonder about hers too. We are so different as people, it really gets highlighted sometimes in our 'people choices'. I had to make an effort to get along with her bf, and some of it was a bit exhausting for me. I see the niceness he brings to her life, but his attitude to everyone around him is so dismissive. The constant need to be right, the argumentativeness, coupled with him dismissing facts in favour of his own opinions is a trait that annoys me no end. Like whyyy can't you just admit you don't know something and why have this insane need to constantly be explaining things to others. I never get why people have so much insecurity about their intellect. Yet, it's interesting that she doesn't seem to mind that all that much. I guess the other benefits kind of level out these traits for her. Plus she is pretty easy going, and has a ton of patience so probably finds it amusing almost. I bet she has a similar view of my choices too. In that she probably doesn't agree with some of them lol. I remember once discussing this with her and she telling me she thinks I end up putting in a lot of effort with people, and that leads me to be around those who just use that for their benefit and over time I get tired and withdraw from them. And then they wonder why I'm suddenly not around as much. It's kinda true, my rationale has always been that give someone a chance and make them feel comfortable if you like them. But I always notice how the other person is dealing with me in the interim and idk I guess most people just mistake kindness for weakness. Hmmm. I think I need to pull in the direction of reciprocity more. It's something that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks as well. If I give you importance, it doesn't mean I don't value my own, is that rocket science to figure out? Lmao. I pull in the direction of equality, not some random hierarchy and I certainly don't see myself as lower on any scale. 

Meh, whatever. Do your bit and adult.

Crap

It was meant to be a nap, but yet again I fell asleep and now it's 1.30 and I'm up 😭😭

Mini travels

Went for a day drive today with M and her bf. Was fun. First time I spent so much time with them as a couple. I like him, he is kind and considerate towards her. Funny thing is, a few years ago, I'd have not gotten along with him for sure. But I've come to realise the value of kindness, consideration and someone who makes you feel important and valued. I'm glad he does all this for her. 

A tiny part of me misses being doted on and adored lol :⁠-⁠!

Birthday weekend

M's bday weekend got me thinking about how long we have known each other. Back in uni I never really thought we would stay friends after it got over, esp as she is so closed up and bad at keeping in touch. But maaan, life just follows its own patterns , and I'm glad our friendship survived. She is the one person I can rely on, take for granted and trust. Good stuff. 

So here's to growing older, somewhat wiser and and keeping close friends close. ♥️

Chess

Playing so badly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

FUCK

:⁠-⁠|

It feels so alienating when you choose to share something tiny yet personal and it's simply not recieved with care or just straight up dismissal. I legit felt so bad. :(

Dilemmas

Wondering if it would be worth it to explore the start up route again. The work load will most likely be a lot, which I don't mind. But I'll have to forgo comp and take a bunch of esops that wont vest anytime soon. That's such a gamble. The last one was a giant turd. The co-founders ended up working for 3 years and only sold it for a mill, what a joke that was. Ugh. I'm so confused. 

A stable company will have very mundane work but the hours will be flexible and I'm so used to wfh and not having to deal with bs people. Co-founders are a diff breed of toxic at times, so tough to find a culture fit that works. But I also like the excitement of building something. Having said that, I think I'm over the idea of working lots for someone else. I can't seem to bring myself to care about a business that isn't feeding directly into my own coffers too. Need to figure out a way to create some revenue streams so I can escape the whole salary bs. 

Someday I would like to build my own thing though, that's the eventual goal. I don't even mind if it's tiny, but as long as I can create something sustainable it would be worth it. Just have no clue what it should be at present.

Ugghhhh. I am just so not excited for any of this. I'm just going through the motions because I should and it's a necessity. 

Hell, everytime I go into the city my first and only thought is ffs when can I go back. I genuinely feel like I just want to go far far away and never come back. 

Droooown me

You make my heart beat like the rain
Surroooound me 

Hooool me deep beneath your waves

TURURURURURU

And every night my mind is running around ...

Thunder's getting louder and louder and louder

Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle
I can't let you go now that I got it

Noowowowowow all I need is to be 

Struckkk

By

Your

Electriiiiic loooooooooooOOOOVE

Baby your electric loooove 🎶💃

Call Me

Why is this song stuck in my head 😭?

Colours

If you know someone well, would you be able to deduce which colour/s they have an affinity to? I'd like to try this out on someone.

🤢

Seeing the candidate list makes me want to puke and spill all the words I know, slowly and distinctly. Bleh

Memories made of Clay

I was watching some of the clay tourney highlights today. So many new players on the circuit, and yet it doesn't feel the same without Rafa. Clay holds such a special spot in my heart when it comes to tennis. When I first started watching by myself, RG 2004 finals was the most excited I had ever been for any match I had seen in my short few years. P was a huge fan of Coria back then (deffo in part cuz he was hot). He happened to be on fire that tourney and almost everyone thought it was a given that he would win. The day of the match, I had this huge intuition that I need to root for Gaudio. I don't even know why, but something had a hold on me that was quite inexplicable at the time. As the match went on, coria was two sets up and I was so on edge and yet some voice inside kept saying hold on. I'm glad I listened to it, cuz what happened next was simply insaane. The comeback in the next three sets and the subsequent win that Gaudio pulled out of his hat was one of the best and most memorable victories I've ever seen. The specialness of that moment quite frankly astounding to me, and it was also one of those moments that I leaned into my intuition 100%. 

Over the years, I've gotten better at understanding the game and my intuition has been replaced more or less by trying to analyse whatever data I see in front of me. It's kinda become a game of sorts to see if I can accurately churn that data in my mind and predict the outcomes. Fine-tuning this has become a nice passtime. It's also nice to discuss tennis once in a while, although I barely know anyone who actually likes and follows the sport beyond casual viewing. Except one person ofcourse. Wish I knew him better though, he seems to know a lot about a bunch of stuff, so it would be fun to talk about it all. Plus he seems like a sweetheart, although I sense he does his best to hide that fact lol. Too bad we don't even have each others' numbers ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

I also wish more women were into sports, it's always been a pet peeve of mine that very few have a passion for it. I think only M watches but she only sees GS and barely knows anything beyond the Big 3. Which is fine, but it doesn't lead to much conversation about it. And very few guys watch either, most just like football and cricket I guess. In a way that's okay too, idk why but guys just haaave this giant urge to explain every sport the minute you mention you like it. Won't even wait to find out if you actually know anything, just straight up explain the basics like you are a total noob, then get salty when you display any amount of competence lol. So many times in my life I've had to pretend to not know something or give people an out in order to avoid bruising their ego. Sad that these are more or less the buckets most people fall into. 

Come to think of it, I know two women who are married to tier 1 athletes, and I'm pretty sure one of them has no clue about the sport either. The other one has no choice, her husband is literally a GOAT and it would be shameful if she didn't. She is a baller herself, so I'm sure she is very clued in. B's wife on the other hand deffo wouldn't know lol. I remember her from back in school days, she had zero interest in tennis. Ironic, given who she married(I'm still shocked that she chose to get married so young, but to each their own). Oooh I also recall how crazy B used to be back then lmao. I used to think he was a total fuckboi from all the stories that were doing the rounds. The time he tried to threaten the college boys and told them to stay away from her haha. It's really nice to see the man he has become now though. To be competent and play at the highest level into your 40's, and having that drive is something I respect so much. I'm sure it's not the easiest thing in the world, and after achieving as much as he has, anyone would understand if he chose to retire. Plus being the rich kid he has always been, he could have easily gone on to enjoy his pork and drinks, in keeping with Coorgi boy traditions. Yet the man plays and plays well, salute to that. Hope he continues and wins lots for years to come. People like him are inspiring. 

All this makes me realise how many things have occurred and how many varied people I've actually known over the years. Interesting. 

Reminiscing is fun. 

Edit: of all the coincidences, I just came across the 2005 Nadal v Coria Rome highlights, Coria was such a beast! ♥️ And baby Nadal in those white 3/4ths omg. It was this match after which I knew Nadal had arrived and he went on to win his first ever RG later that month. Fuuuuck!! Birth of an absolute champ. 

I used to have paper cut outs of these two on my bulletin board. Need them back up there. Hope Rafa recovers soon, much love!

RIP

The last of my vices, truly tragic. You weren't even much of a vice, and yet I bid thee goodbye. 🙊

D the Psychopath

Bruh. She called me today with the most disturbing news and conveyed it so nonchalantly. Looool. There are moments when I am so fucking terrified of her, it's not even a joke. The subtle cues are what make it soooo much more unsettling. Istg there are 2 people I've met in life who I feel are total psychopaths, and she is most likely one of them. 

My fascination for interesting people is going to get me into trouble someday, if I don't rein in the curiosity. 

Condolences to her new husband and may she never pull a gone girl on him. 💀

Kids

Most women I know don't want kids anymore. Almost all my friends are against the idea except for maybe a couple. Interesting. The world seems to be going childfree and yet the idea of a nice happy family kinda appeals to me. I've always liked those bratty kids that Lynette had, with their constant pranks and tendency to harass every adult in sight.

I guess if I find the right kind of partner who also wants the same, it would be nice to have kids. Not set on it, but not against it either. Plus you can spoil the fuck out of them lol. Somehow I have a feeling I'll be the kind of person who would want to make sure that no other woman is good enough for the men in my life except me. Can't even pretend to be ashamed of this. 

Suck it, ladies! ಠ⁠‿⁠ಠ

Assertiveness

I'm wondering how to learn to be assertive without being rude to someone. My usual MO used to be straight up rudeness to cover up the fact that I felt threatened/uncomfortable, but I want to know if there is a middle path there which I can learn. 

The other day some dude I don't really know was chatting with me on the side while I was watching chess. I'd thought he was normal, kinda like a bunch of my friends who like joking around and saying stupid stuff at first. It was all fine and silly but in the middle he made some sexual comments which I tried to ignore. 

I ended up saying stop and he would for a bit. He even sensed that I felt awkward and gave it a break but it almost felt like the minute I feel relaxed it would start again. I feel some weird guilt when I say no to people, or get offended and end up trying to be extra nice to cover that fact up, so it seems like I'm not as bothered as I feel. Idk if that also makes people think that I am going along with it or doesn't clearly communicate my boundaries. In any case, I guess I wasn't as assertive as I should be and he ended up saying a couple of things to me that made me feel kinda gross. Asked me if I feel like avoiding emotions when someone is balls deep in me or do I do it after. Like wtf yo. Is it even normal to say that to someone? Ffs. I hate that I just tried to ignore it at the time but I legit didn't even know what to say.  That and the fact that he is seeing someone which kinda makes it worse of him tbh. Maybe I'm just very old fashioned when it comes to stuff like this but I like very clear cut lines. 

Eventually I ducked out of the convo but now I don't feel like talking to him again and it feels weird to ignore directly as well. Ugh. I hate this about myself. This guilt I feel every single time I take a stand even though I know intellectually that I shouldn't. So fucking weak. I'm just hoping he doesn't actually speak to me again so I can skip out of any necessity to deal with it tbh.

The thing is - I like banter and I like clever lines... but only in a detached, word building kinda way. I act so differently when I have genuine interest in someone though, like I actually care about them and keep things all serious and hopefully nice. Want to ask about their day and if they ate and if they are doing well and fuss over them if they aren't. I'm such a nester underneath all those layers of seeming detached - I think people confuse that about me sometimes. The irony is that people I like may not understand this cuz it's so hidden and people I don't might think I do lmao. That's truly hilarious.

I wanted to tell M this happened but when I mentioned it he seemed tired and then didn't ask about it again so I left it alone too. Probably doesn't care anyway.

Also, why the fuck are guys like this? How can you have someone you are with and stiiiiilll want to test waters with someone else, even as a joke? Someone you don't even remotely know. Like aaaaaaaa. Can't anyone just stay fucking faithful anymore? 

So much easier to pretend to be a guy and just say shit without any repercussions.

Headaches

I hate them so much. Been having a weird migraine of sorts since yesterday evening, it's so awful. My eye hurts and I feel like throwing up. Want to act like a baby rn :(

Juicy

As I pour grape juice into my beer glass, I can't help but laugh at it. In that one pour is a lifetime of a love hate relationship with glasses and drinks. From being a hedonistic 17 yo trying to live it up for the first time, to becoming a measured person that tries to be disciplined atleast 90% of the time, I can sense the spectrum of choices in that one act. 

Man, I loved the extremism of living in the moment, following every impulse and just trying to squeeze every bit of experience out anything that catches my fancy. All of those shades you could capture, it was all so fascinating to me. There's something so heady about being a youngling with no concept or thought of repercussions, or have any sense of respect for it either. And yet, I find this trait to be so repulsive in adults now. A part of me just winces whenever I see someone willingly choose to lose control. I've noticed that it becomes a habit with them.

Somewhere around this time last year, I remember meeting S and his sister. They were both out day drinking and by the time they met us, they were in high spirits (to say the least). But something about that much alcohol makes people open up about their lives in a way they wouldn't choose to if they were sober. His sister talked about their family life growing up and how awful it was for them. As I was listening, I could feel S get very uncomfortable. He and I have been friends for so long now, he is actually my oldest friend. And part of the reason we have been able to maintain that status quo is simply cuz our boundaries are tight and we don't overshare. The more G was talking, the more awkwardness I could sense in him. And that's the thing about drunk people, they juuuust don't grasp any undercurrent around them. As she was speaking, I couldn't help but notice how many unprocessed emotional blocks she had and it made me wonder how someone 5-6 years older than me, a Harvard grad, heading a country program and an all round go getter could also simultaneously be so unaware of their own traits. Do people really never self reflect? Is age simply a matter of happenstance? Or can all this just be chalked up to being drunk? I don't really know. What I do know is, I don't want to be like that and I don't ever want to be in a position where I do not have control over the things I do. Luckily I don't drink that much or that often so that isn't a possibility I have to fear, but I do recognise that all it can take is one bad night. So I guess that means more grape juiceeee! The unfermented kind. 

Responsibility, my steady lady...I shall court thee with every ounce of my personal ability. 

Driving

Finally went for a drive with Meg this weekend, it felt soooo liberating. One of the few mornings I didn't totally hate the stupid sun waking me up at an ungodly hour by shining through that window I can't reach. Laments in shortness. :( 

I love open roads and blue skies so much. That feeling of going somewhere but not having a destination, seeing boulders and hilly terrains, laughing about the silliest things and having her blunt comments ruining songs I love with perspective I haven't thought of. Suuuch a nice combo of peace. 

Long back I wondered if I was doing the right thing in seperating from my older circle of friends and if I'll backslide, but this weekend I realised how much better my life has been these past few years. I like the calmness and the sense of trust I have with the 4 people I do know. I hope I'm able to keep that balance from here on out. 

So here's to more pretty drives, and also to trying to make my fortnightly wine into a monthly wine from now on. Hate the latter lmao, but I'll do it. Wisdomous people ruining my one guilty pleasure, and they don't even know it. I'd say cheers but now I shouldn't. 💀