Curiosity

It's been a few days since I decided to dabble into mind alteration. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for. In the beginning it seemed like it would help me have a magic moment of clarity, which would go on to define my actions henceforth. Or that a deep dive into myself would reveal facets of me that I'd hidden from myself. All of it sounded so thrilling and meta, like this would be the golden nugget of information. But as I'm trying to define my quest here, I realise that what I was mostly looking for was a shortcut - one that helps me avoid the fogginess of decision making, and instead gives me a direction that can't be challenged hereafter. 

Needless to say, absolutely none of that happened.

What did happen though, was that I was stripped of a few filters in my eyes, which helped me look around and actually see what was around me. Not in a metaphysical sense, but in the most physical sense. The cold winter morning, dew drops at my feet, the smallness of flowers and the tiny instructs buzzing around. All of this had gone unnoticed before.

It's funny, but when you are out *questing* - you, or at least I, - feel the absolute need to tunnel into the deep end. Ensure that no evidence is left up-turned. This time around, the first sensation was to try and slow down, and to just be. If time were a river, then there may be sense in letting it carry you forward, as it offers you a chance to observe without reacting. Is there merit in that? I'm not sure. I just know that I have never done it before. 

I recall getting a bit more comfortable with the sensations and setting out to explore. Some vague lines from 'The Vagabond' made me want to walk near a hedge, and so I did. (Dramatisation is something that comes easy)Solitude seemed like the need of the hour, and from this solitude came a moment which I distinctly remember. It was when I realised that it's only in complete silence and ease, am I ever willing to truly be myself. All of my interactions are so outward bound, that I have hardly ever had the opportunity to invite one that was inward. At that point I was asking everyone not to intrude on my solace, because the minute someone steps in, some shield is put up as a safeguard.

It reminded me of dandelions, and how the smallest gusts of wind make them scatter. You can only ever observe dandelions in stillness. And realising that made me so protective of the one I did end up spotting. :) I wonder how many of us just stay quiet for want of understanding, or the fear of judgement. It must be hard to be honest even with those closest to us. It's like the thing you want most is also what scares you to bits. Much ironies.

As the sun began to set, the haze of conversation, strains of music, and the warmth of the day started to fade away. I felt like how I imagine the protagonist from 'The Secret Garden' might have felt - the first time she exit the door and left the garden behind to come back to reality. A little sad, but mostly comforted and thrilled with the knowledge that the garden exists. And as I tried to connect this experience into some manner of profundity, the only thing I could come up with was - 'Oh the continuum of existence, it has been around long before me and will be around long after me.' Transience is the one constant, and everything is made so much more beautiful because of it. It is the reason why we hold on, and also the reason why we shouldn't. And if that is the case, then it's futile to simply worry about what can go right and what has gone wrong.

All that you can do is progress, and progress requires strife, strife requires a reason, reason comes from desire, and desire is who you are. Cyclic. :) 

Bliss

Things that I know right at this moment:
1. Cold wintry mornings are just the best! 
2. Waking up to the touch of the wind on your face makes you smile almost instantaneously. It feels like the universe is gently willing you to open your eyes.
3. If you hold up your fingers to the sunlight peeking in from the window, they become reddish and transluscent and glowy. It's magic.
4. David Gray is the bee's knees of the singing world. I heart him. He is singing Babylon just for me right now.

I also know that if the sum total of my choices got me here, then I must have done a bunch of things right. :)

David Gray - Babylon

Friska Viljor

Let's do something
Out of the ordinary
I'm gonna meet you out tonight.

Oh man!
I Love lOVe LOVE this band! 

Playing: Friska Viljor - People and So on.

The purpose of purpose

H: Why the face?

S: (glumly) I'm confused.

H: About?

S: (eyes widening in anguish)About what to do. About The Purpose. My purpose.

H: Hmmm

S: It's just that... (confused) I keep searching you know. I've read read read and then read some more. Texts of all sort. Sciency, Spacey, Philosophy, things to do with chi. I am not sure what or why, I feel like I'm waiting for the alignment of all things to occur at some point. I am afraid to stop searching. In fact, I am not even sure of how I would be able to. No one sees my search, it means nothing to anyone else. In fact, most people would just scoff at me. They think I am wasting time, whiling away time. But that's not true.

H: I guess most people just get along with their day. So much searching leaves no time for action, you know.

S: (opens mouth)

H: Uhh huh! Let me speak... Maybe it's time to pick something and just do. Idleness may not lead to results.

S: Where do I start? 

H: Anywhere, pick a point.

S: What if it's wrong?

H: You will find that out eventually.

S: But...

H: But what? It's also a form of a search. So you aren't stopping.

S: I guess you are right.

H: (grins) Yeah, I usually am.

S: (starts to smile) Whatevs. 

Musings

Spending my down time reading incessantly, watching space documentaries, and in general doing things other people may not perceive as productive. So much knowledge out there, so little time. 

Day 12 - Things you want to say to an ex

The answer to this might vary in the future, given the conversations we end up having, but right now these are few things I'd like to say to him now:

1. You kept me confused and second guessing for almost the entire time that I knew you. I think I did the same to you. And I'd like to apologise for that. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I cared too much. I couldn't come to terms with how much would be at stake for me if I were to admit that. So I'm sorry for all the times I acted like you meant nothing to me. You meant the world. :) 

2. Your presence taught me a lot about love, life and myself.  Even though the situations were conflicting at most times, the end result was that I could see plainly all the areas where I lacked and a lot of my baggage got cleared because of it. Thank you. 

3. Some songs kind of lost their meaning for me, ever since I got over you. That kinda sucks. :D I listen to only happy stuff now.

4. I am glad you are with someone you like. I don't mean that in some altruistic sense, nor was getting here very easy for me. It took me a good three years to be able to feel that. But I am genuinely happy for you now, and I hope you are happy too!

5. I hope that once we are far enough away from the drama, there will come a day when we can laugh about all this and marvel at our silliness. Be able to talk about all this freely, you know?  I feel like as time goes by, all the hurt and stupidity will just fade into the background and we would be free to just be. I look forward to that!

Day 11 - Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is

Single life, for me, is quite an unexpected surprise. 

This is the first time in years that I have been truly single. Without any feeling towards anyone whatsoever. And it's actually been good. I hadn't realised earlier on just how much mind space a relationship or even liking someone takes. Somehow, all that used to be primary and every other aspect of life became secondary.

I quite like the place I am in right now. Being single has helped me become a bit better and definitely more well versed in things. I actually have a bunch of interests that keep me engaged. Like learning German, taking up some courses in Buddhism, being able to write etc. I'd have never done any of this if a boy was around! 

It's also given me a good perspective on relationships. Like earlier I was prone to being too involved and completely unable to see the larger picture. But I'm much better now. And I have learnt how to let go. And to walk away from relationships where I don't see an end goal. That used to be very hard earlier. 

Surprisingly, I have become very very selective. I seem to avoid dates and all now.  Like the last date I had, I made excuses around 9.30 and left. Just to come home and watch friends! All because a voice in my head said... Eh waste of time this is! 

Lulz.

So yeah, being single has been pretty good so far. I quite like knowing that the next time I meet someone, it will be without any bullshit, and it will be a good way to start a relationship, not a rebound or escape route. :)

Day 10 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

On Drugs:

I have a fear of most drugs and I am fairly certain I wouldn't do any of them, especially the hallucinogens. Losing control of my senses has never had any appeal to me. I'm afraid I'd do something stupid and silly and that's not a cat I want out of the bag. I have known people who have been coke heads and have done heroine and it's ugly. The instability, the loss of reasoning power, it's just terrible. I have seen them show streaks of violence and I am dead sure that life around addicts would be very painful. 

However, there is one drug I am curious about:  DMT. And I would do it the minute I get my hands on it. Unlike hallucinogens and other stuff, DMT has very specific results and is touted as a gateway to an alternate reality. And that is something I am very very curious about.

Other than that, only weed and hash are what I am comfortable with. :)

Alcohol:

Just say no. :)

When I first started drinking I felt like I was embracing freedom and adulthood in equal measure and the ride was very thrilling. But then slowly, I realised that alcohol can be a slippery slope. I slowly recognised a pattern of behaviour that started emerging when I was drinking and I started to hate who I was becoming when I was on it.

Somewhere around 2011 I quit drinking the hard stuff for good. This was after a very very terrible call I had where I said a lot of nonsense. Vulnerability coupled with confusion and sadness just made me vomit out words that no sane person should say. I felt very disgusted and decided on the spot to quit, which I did.

A few years later, the same friend showed up blind drunk to my house and insisted we go for a drive and for some reason I said yes. That was the most terrified I have ever been in a car. I thought I was going to die and at every turn I was scared we would crash into something. Plus my friend seemed very unstable that night. He tried to fight when I suggested we spend time on my terrace instead and I felt like I had to keep him calm otherwise things would get ugly. I was also afraid to leave him alone when he was so high, he is extremely reckless and I wouldn't have ever forgiven myself if something ended up happening to him that night.

So yeah, bad decisions all around due to alcohol!

I guess quitting social drinking isn't exactly possible in our friend circles, so instead I make sure I either drink dilute cocktails or beer or just order mock tails when no one is looking :) 

Day 9 - Your last kiss

Does a peck on the cheek count? If it does, then I got my cheeks pecked a couple days ago at my friend's reception. 

This guy I'm kinda sorta close to, happened to be there and greeted me like he always does. Big hug and a looooud kiss.

And if a peck doesn't count, then the last was with this boy I must not name. It was awesome. We were talking and chilling and somewhere down the line we were making out.

I absolutely love kissing him. He has lovely soft lips and a nice slow way of getting into the kiss. 

Whenever my neurotic side comes out, he just wraps me in his arms and kisses and teases me until I calm down. I love the affection between us, it's so easy and it makes me gush for hours afterwards. And I like that he never lets go while he is annoying me, I think it pleases him to see me half annoyed and half amused and always uncertain whether to hold on or let go. :)

Day 8 - Something you are currently worrying about

I'm worrying about where my life is headed. Ashte.:D 

Day 7 - My opinion on cheating

In the ideal world, I would say cheating sucks. But in the ideal world, you also only find love once, you know it's The One and it's meant to be forever. Which goes to say that basically there is no desire to cheat in itself. 

But realistically speaking, I feel that cheating is a by product of a whole bunch of things. Not being happy in your current equation, not being completely committed, not being over an ex or simply not having the best sex with the person you are with.

I feel that as we grow older, we compromise a whole lot. This permeates our relationships to a point that a lot of times we settle for folks because we feel maybe this would be the wisest choice. And as time goes on, we tend to stray. 

Also, there are times when we just outgrow a relationship. But due to societal/ personal pressure we stay in it. Cheating helps fill that void which time leaves.

For me, the only time I have come close to cheating, is when I badly wanted to leave a relationship and even then I made sure I broke up with him before I went out with someone else. It happened when me and V were on the fringe of a breakup. He basically ghosted me all summer while interning and had the audacity to come back to put me in the role of his gf. I was super sad, and felt very low. So it felt amazing when someone else was willing to give me all that I wanted. I guess it was a mix of reassurance and validity that I found and so I wanted to go along with it and hook up with someone else. I know that's not totally normal, but sometimes a good external reason helps when a good internal reason is not acceptable. 

I've also had a guy cheat on his gf with me. I could never really understand his motivations. Or how he kept her a secret for almost a year of knowing me and hanging out with me 3 nights a week. Maybe he too was unhappy with her. But I am not sure, since he ended up marrying her as well. 

I cannot imagine having to deal with the pain and confusion of someone you actually love cheating on you. I sincerely hope I don't have to find this one thing out firsthand 

Day 6 - The person you like and why you like them

Like? Or Like-Like?
As I am not sure, I am going to assume it's the former.

I like my new friend M, since she is fun, a bit irresponsible and fairly grown up. M has too many adorable traits. I like that she is tiny, like a little grinning imp that's up for cheap jokes and silly innuendos. She seems fairly honest and up front. When she is upset, I can see her slow decline into insanity. And she will Make You Deal with it as well, only to laugh later on.

On a deeper level, I like that despite being a rich kid, she is very down to earth and treats everyone with respect. It's one of her best qualities. She is also easy going and we can sit and talk and laugh for hours together! I actually miss her if she comes to office late coz then I have no one to trouble.

I also like that she is fairly sorted in her head. Her reasoning for things she says and does is quite spot on. It's a refreshing change from the type of people I was used to. 

So yeah,  I find her quite entertaining and fun, and am glad I got a chance to get to know her.

Day 5 - 5 things that irritate me about the opposite sex/same sex

1. Hypocrisy. 

I mean, I can kinda sorta make do with the type where the person is unaware of it and it's for some really stupid things. But I hate the type where you sit around in judgment of others and stigmatise certain acts like sex, dating, life choices etc.

2. Not answering messages on time.

Like come on, I know you read it. Wtf just answer it. Don't wait 3-4 days to get back to me. *eyeroll*

3. Not being direct.

I am a literal person, I cannot deal with hints and innuendos and sly sliding away tactics. Urgh. Come to the point please people. 

4. Fighting dirty and holding grudges.

I dislike it when someone brings up some random thing from the past into a fight in the present. I also hate irrational temper tantrums and people who keep a ledger full of others' mistakes. Like learn to let go and move on! 

5. Being petty and mean.

I find meanness and pettiness to be traits of the unevolved. Like I feel these people would follow Kim Kardashian on Instagram, bitch about their friends, and be generally unpleasant to be around. People who pick on others and act superior should slip on a banana peel everyday. Just because.

Day 4 - What I wear to bed

Such an intimate question! What I wear to bed is mostly reflective of the mood I am in or the mood I am trying to set. ( Ey ey )

I have a special love for mismatched clothing that are well past their glory days. They serve as my adult comfort blanket. For eg a slightly torn yellow something with whatever pants or shorts have been washed the day before. Mostly, this particular item lets me walk around bra-less at home and no one can tell. 

On days when I do not want to look like shit, I go for a fancy lacey racer back with Jammies to match. I carry them around when I travel also, so as not to be judged as a slob by others. Plus airport security tends to open my luggage at times, looking for lighters. And it is VERY embarrassing when then whole world sees ugly clothes inside.

I am quite fond of flimsy clothing as well, they make for really comfy sleepwear!

Day 3 - What kind of person attracts you?

Hmmm, I think this just might be a long one. :)

People in general fascinate me, so there are a lot of different sorts I get attracted to. I like quiet, shy, clever people, who have a bit of mischief up their sleeve. Shy people always make me wonder why they are so shy, what they are hiding, what makes them tick and lastly, how long before they share that with me. I find the inner worlds of the quiet ones to be so deep, and I can't help but stick around until I am a part of it.

I also like slightly childish and righteous ones. They are too precious. I love seeing them get all outraged at perceived wrongs and I like the steadfastness underneath all that innocence. It makes me feel comfortable and the instinctive trust that you feel around such people is very hard to replicate in others. I feel quite protectively towards them as well, so the equation becomes a bit caretaker-ish in the end.

There is also something quite enticing about brooding, intense people. The conversations are much deeper, and everything has that hazy, seductive edge to it. It's quite magnetic, and time spent with them makes me feel very earthy and slow and purposeful. 

And then there are the ones that can banter really well. I mean, fuck. There is nothing as attractive and awesome as a good banter session. I find that immensely stimulating. I also tend to fall for ones who beat me at this game. I love love love to know that such cleverness and mischief can exist in one person. Given a choice, no matter how flighty they seem, I end up gravitating towards them on pure instinct. 

So yeah, basically I am a sucker for a whole lot of personality types. I have a theory that it's because this way I get to explore different sides of me, I can be so many different people, and feel so many different emotions! :)

Day 2 - How have you changed in the past two years?

This one is a bit tough. The most obvious change I can sense is that I have become good at prioritizing myself above the other people in my life. I know that sounds selfish, but earlier it seemed like I was like a doormat emotionally, and I didn't like that feeling. I made me unhappy back then.
At this point, I am sure I can survive by myself if I need to, and that's a very liberating feeling. 
Another thing that I worked towards was taking responsibility for my own life - which includes being responsible for any personal or professional highs/lows and overall acceptance that most things in life are the way they are, because of things I have and haven't done.

Other than that, I don't feel like some very significant change has happened. So this will have to do for now.

Diary Posting Challenge - Day 1

Doing this with L, starting today. The point is to be honest in these answers as well. So I'm gonna try my best. 

Topic: 

Weird things I do when I am alone.

I have to think a lot about this one, coz most things I do seem normal to me.

But I'll take a shot at it:

1.Pretend I am a singer and sing along to a bunch of songs like I have an audience of 30000.

This is definitely my favourite activity. In fact, I'd totally have chosen singing as a profession, if I had a good voice. :)  I remember doing this as a kid also, listening to Britney Spears and pretending to be her. 

2.Sleep/Lounge around in just a T-shirt / skimpy dress / minimal attire or forgo clothes entirely. Lingerie is a no no. 

I'm guessing this is a pretty common occurrence. Deep down, I sincerely believe, we are all nudists.

3.Read People Magazine until I drown in guilt about the wasted time / intellectual void I have fallen into.

Like I just soak up information about all the random goss that's flying about. 

4.Watch some terrible chick flick and cry during the emo bits.

Well, it needn't be a chick flick necessarily. I can pretty much weep in any movie. Probably one of the reasons I prefer watching superhero flicks at theaters. Noone will catch me weeping there.

5. Weave weird story bits/wishful thoughts together. For eg: What if I were a character in some anime, or travelling through space, or in the past. Endless possibilities and wishes. 

"I like...

...fooling around with words." - This was a title for an article about David Duchovny. I love the implication of that sentence. It reminds me of Californication and the wonderful, wonnnnderful writing that show had! Sleaze aside, Duchovny's character was so damn charming!

It made me think of modern romances, and romances in the years to come. How they would pan out?

Where would they be set? How would people communicate? Long sentences or Lyk Ths? Would it be the glory of one person or the fleeting excitement of multiple? Would it have the same charm of the olden days? Or will it be rush rush rush?

Things move so fast these days, it feels like everything is blink and miss. Something about a slower pace of life, which lets you savour and delve and deep dive into interactions, is a thing I miss. :(  

Because, I too wanna fool around with words. I wanna make mine long and entertaining and peppered with innuendos and mischief and hidden meaning. :) 

*Rainy day meanderings* 

 

The validity of feels

"Flowers are restful to look at. They have neither emotions nor conflicts" - Freud

Flowers indeed are very pleasant to look at, but I'm not sure if we can attribute to their being inanimate. But I have often wondered about the merits of emotions and what purpose they serve us in general. 

Which brings me to a topic I have been intrigued by. 

In a world where every person but one was completely devoid of emotion, would the power of emoting be considered a superpower or a liability?

At a very base level, an emotional response is the result of hormonal triggers, which are in turn influenced(?) via social conditioning and/or are predisposed to genetic influence. For e.g.: The amount of anger or fear a person feels towards a certain event or stimulus, is subjective to that very person and their experiences. Hence, I may get very upset if someone is dishonest with me, whereas my friend may assume that people come in various shades of grey, and thus brush the matter off. Interestingly, the chicken or egg debate can be brought in here. Did the hormonal trigger happen and hence you exhibited that degree of response or did the social conditioning kick in, and trigger that much of a hormonal response? (Need to research.) 

The level and complexity of emotional responses varies across species, with the non human species exhibiting the basic emotions: Fear, anger, sadness, surprise etc. And largely, for them these base emotions are a means of survival. (Whether they fall under the category of behaviorism or otherwise, would be another debate). These base emotions help them detect threats, survive that threat, nurture their off springs, decide whether to live in packs or in isolation, etc. However, things start to get interesting once more complex emotions come into existence. We hear about dogs being possessive of their masters, cross specie nurturing of off springs and similar events in the animal world. In humans, things like jealousy, contempt, sympathy, empathy come into existence. (Insert examples for the spectrum - delve into the pros and cons)

Now, keeping aside the evolutionary benefits of the base emotions, how do the base and complex emotions serve us? (need an example of the desirable effects of complex emotions.)

Often, I have noticed that a lot of conflict unresolved, due the logic and reason being over-ridden by a tide of emotions. This can be on a large scale, where people of different religious ideologies are at odds with each other for perceived slights to their deities, way of life etc, or simpler things like an individuals inability to admit to wrong doing and their reluctance to be open about certain aspects of their lives. In both those cases, if the emotional response is suppressed, then a more rational line of thought can be inculcated, which can in turn lead to a more desirable outcome. 

Even in daily interactions, emotions play a large role in determining the general environment and state of mind. Say you are at a work place - you get a promotion. This results in you being happy, and an under performing co-worker experiences jealousy. He or she is then faced with a choice - to understand the underlying reasons why that led to this undesirable situation coming about, and taking corrective measures like enhancing their skill set, taking up more responsibility and things of that nature. Or he/she decides to sulk instead, backbites about you, and generally adopts a pessimistic and defeatist attitude. I'm not saying these are the only two choices, just two of the many I am considering.
In the first scenario, the emotional response is over-ridden eventually by rationality, and gets that person a step closer to their desired outcome. In the second, the chances of a desired outcome are significantly less.

Drizzle and Go

The cold wind blows
And the trees, they start to sway
The sky is getting cloudy
There is a hint of rain.

We pump up the volume
This rhythm is so divine
The center is calling
And there's no conflict in our minds.

Dancing Queen

Because that song came on!

One Step,Two Step

Why is moving on so tough?

This is a question that has been haunting me for a while. I heard from a lot of people that you can truly move on only once you find someone else. But to me that just seems to be a way of evading the core problem, rather than solving it. They also say time heals most wounds, and I agree. As time goes by, it layers every experience, and replaces it with newer ones that catch your attention, hold it, and shift the focus. The addition of more characters in your life has a certain healing quality to it as well. I guess it's the flowing nature of things. It's funny, but when you read stories and watch movies, this whole spectrum of feelings comes across as poetic. Being the observer is a boon - being that character, urgh. The good part of it being a complete narrative is that you have complete control over it. I wish life was like that sometimes. 

I have been struggling with moving on for a while now, and on most days it's fine. But whenever confronted with something 'real', my first instinct is to shut down. My friend says it's the comfort of the shell I retreat back into, and maybe it is. Everything outside of the shell is so pointy, it pierces too often and too much. :(  I just hope that I find it within me to be able to fight that, because the alternative would just be missing out on something better.

So someone HAS written a book on this concept.

“Contrary to what we usually believe, moments like these, the best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times—although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile. Optimal experience is thus something that we make happen. For a child, it could be placing with trembling fingers the last block on a tower she has built, higher than any she has built so far; for a swimmer, it could be trying to beat his own record; for a violinist, mastering an intricate musical passage. For each person there are thousands of opportunities, challenges to expand ourselves.” 

― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Have to curate this! Such simplicity and brilliance.

April 22, 1958
57 Perry Street
New York City

Dear Hume,

You ask advice: ah, what a very human and very dangerous thing to do! For to give advice to a man who asks what to do with his life implies something very close to egomania. To presume to point a man to the right and ultimate goal— to point with a trembling finger in the RIGHT direction is something only a fool would take upon himself.

I am not a fool, but I respect your sincerity in asking my advice. I ask you though, in listening to what I say, to remember that all advice can only be a product of the man who gives it. What is truth to one may be disaster to another. I do not see life through your eyes, nor you through mine. If I were to attempt to give you specific advice, it would be too much like the blind leading the blind.

“To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles … ” (Shakespeare)

And indeed, that IS the question: whether to float with the tide, or to swim for a goal. It is a choice we must all make consciously or unconsciously at one time in our lives. So few people understand this! Think of any decision you’ve ever made which had a bearing on your future: I may be wrong, but I don’t see how it could have been anything but a choice however indirect— between the two things I’ve mentioned: the floating or the swimming.

But why not float if you have no goal? That is another question. It is unquestionably better to enjoy the floating than to swim in uncertainty. So how does a man find a goal? Not a castle in the stars, but a real and tangible thing. How can a man be sure he’s not after the “big rock candy mountain,” the enticing sugar-candy goal that has little taste and no substance?

The answer— and, in a sense, the tragedy of life— is that we seek to understand the goal and not the man. We set up a goal which demands of us certain things: and we do these things. We adjust to the demands of a concept which CANNOT be valid. When you were young, let us say that you wanted to be a fireman. I feel reasonably safe in saying that you no longer want to be a fireman. Why? Because your perspective has changed. It’s not the fireman who has changed, but you. Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on. Every reaction is a learning process; every significant experience alters your perspective.

So it would seem foolish, would it not, to adjust our lives to the demands of a goal we see from a different angle every day? How could we ever hope to accomplish anything other than galloping neurosis?

The answer, then, must not deal with goals at all, or not with tangible goals, anyway. It would take reams of paper to develop this subject to fulfillment. God only knows how many books have been written on “the meaning of man” and that sort of thing, and god only knows how many people have pondered the subject. (I use the term “god only knows” purely as an expression.) There’s very little sense in my trying to give it up to you in the proverbial nutshell, because I’m the first to admit my absolute lack of qualifications for reducing the meaning of life to one or two paragraphs.

I’m going to steer clear of the word “existentialism,” but you might keep it in mind as a key of sorts. You might also try something called Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre, and another little thing called Existentialism: From Dostoyevsky to Sartre. These are merely suggestions. If you’re genuinely satisfied with what you are and what you’re doing, then give those books a wide berth. (Let sleeping dogs lie.) But back to the answer. As I said, to put our faith in tangible goals would seem to be, at best, unwise. So we do not strive to be firemen, we do not strive to be bankers, nor policemen, nor doctors. WE STRIVE TO BE OURSELVES.

But don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean that we can’t BE firemen, bankers, or doctors— but that we must make the goal conform to the individual, rather than make the individual conform to the goal. In every man, heredity and environment have combined to produce a creature of certain abilities and desires— including a deeply ingrained need to function in such a way that his life will be MEANINGFUL. A man has to BE something; he has to matter.

As I see it then, the formula runs something like this: a man must choose a path which will let his ABILITIES function at maximum efficiency toward the gratification of his DESIRES. In doing this, he is fulfilling a need (giving himself identity by functioning in a set pattern toward a set goal), he avoids frustrating his potential (choosing a path which puts no limit on his self-development), and he avoids the terror of seeing his goal wilt or lose its charm as he draws closer to it (rather than bending himself to meet the demands of that which he seeks, he has bent his goal to conform to his own abilities and desires).

In short, he has not dedicated his life to reaching a pre-defined goal, but he has rather chosen a way of life he KNOWS he will enjoy. The goal is absolutely secondary: it is the functioning toward the goal which is important. And it seems almost ridiculous to say that a man MUST function in a pattern of his own choosing; for to let another man define your own goals is to give up one of the most meaningful aspects of life— the definitive act of will which makes a man an individual.

Let’s assume that you think you have a choice of eight paths to follow (all pre-defined paths, of course). And let’s assume that you can’t see any real purpose in any of the eight. THEN— and here is the essence of all I’ve said— you MUST FIND A NINTH PATH.

Naturally, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. You’ve lived a relatively narrow life, a vertical rather than a horizontal existence. So it isn’t any too difficult to understand why you seem to feel the way you do. But a man who procrastinates in his CHOOSING will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.

So if you now number yourself among the disenchanted, then you have no choice but to accept things as they are, or to seriously seek something else. But beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life. But you say, “I don’t know where to look; I don’t know what to look for.”

And there’s the crux. Is it worth giving up what I have to look for something better? I don’t know— is it? Who can make that decision but you? But even by DECIDING TO LOOK, you go a long way toward making the choice.

If I don’t call this to a halt, I’m going to find myself writing a book. I hope it’s not as confusing as it looks at first glance. Keep in mind, of course, that this is MY WAY of looking at things. I happen to think that it’s pretty generally applicable, but you may not. Each of us has to create our own credo— this merely happens to be mine.

If any part of it doesn’t seem to make sense, by all means call it to my attention. I’m not trying to send you out “on the road” in search of Valhalla, but merely pointing out that it is not necessary to accept the choices handed down to you by life as you know it. There is more to it than that— no one HAS to do something he doesn’t want to do for the rest of his life. But then again, if that’s what you wind up doing, by all means convince yourself that you HAD to do it. You’ll have lots of company.

And that’s it for now. Until I hear from you again, I remain,

your friend,
Hunter

Comfortable Spots

As a child I remember reading a story where a guy goes to get his wife/lover/someone back from Hades(?) and all along the way to the castle/underground lair there are whispers calling out to him, and if he looks back, he gets turned into stone (Fairly certain it's not exactly so - but well - something bad happens to people who do that.)

Anyway, the point is, I feel the whispers have a parallel in real life, and are things we now term 'comfort zones', 'sweet spots' etc. The cushy areas and instances of life where all ambition goes to hang itself. They are super seductive - calling you softly, keeping you safe, making you feel cared for like no other.

Such villainy! :|

Song for the night - Time Go | Hold Back The River | Blame It On Me

Outfits and Past Loves!

Not sure how or why, but I still love you guys! :D

JT: *Speechless*

Good opening lines

"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

---

"The magician’s underwear has just been found in a cardboard suitcase floating in a stagnant pond on the outskirts of Miami"
---

Hahahhahahhahhaaa!

Blink Blink

Wake up, don't wake up
But no, just wake up

Wonder, don't wonder
But like, just wonder

Try, don't try
But maybe try a little bit

Get up, stand up, sit down again
Go back to sleep
This is so cozy

Fly...
Oh wait, did you say Fly?
Well, yes!
Do that. Now. Totally. :)

Conversations

Girl: Sitting in a corner, slightly oblivious to her surroundings.

Friend: " What's up? Why the face? "

Girl: Straightening her expression, and giving an easy smile "What? Oh nothing! It's the heat, urgh. Too damn hot!" She gestures towards the sunny garden.

Friend: Frowning at her. "You've been moody for a while now."

Alleged Friend: " Yeah, you seem to zone out a lot more these days. I messaged you the other day as well, but you never responded." She starts to pout.

Girl slowly looks at AF: "Sorry, was busy I guess."

Acquaintance: "Guys! Why don't we go for a movie tonight? Something good must be out!"

Friend: "Are you sure?"

Acquaintance: "About the movie?"

Friend: "No, I'm asking her." Pointing towards the girl.

Girl: "Yeah bro! All good!", she grins.

AF: "Cool! So which movie did you guys want to go see?"

Acquaintance: "Anything is fine by me! Just no drama!"

AF: "Yeah me too! God I hate those! I wanna see something happy. Pick a comedy"

Acquaintance: Excited. "Cool! We can go watch some Hindi movies too! Those tend to be funny!"

AF: "Okay, I'm booking the next show. Let's head out now, and we can make it."

Acquaintance: "Awesome!"

Four of them start to straighten up and move towards the door. Friend links her arm with the Girl, and smiles at her. Girl looks at her for a moment, then smiles back - and softly shuts the door.

Urgh

It would be nice to be able to call up certain people and yell at them.
But like... propriety.

Bleh.

Angry Indian Goddesses

Just watched Angry Indian Goddesses right now. It was powerful, albeit disturbingly so. :(
It just got super dark, super fast. I'm gonna get nightmares. 

Untitled

The highs get high
The lows get low
We dance on
Sometimes fast, sometimes slow :)

Existentialism - Circa 2012

A note to self, from four years ago:

There is only a finite amount of time in which to do it all. As opposed to the slow changing universe. We may never know why we are here, why there are lessons to be learnt, what the end goal is, if any at all. So finding order out of the silent chaos seems like a fool's errand. We strive, but we don't know why. We care, one day just to die. We feel, react, rationalize, connect, learn and do just about everything we do, but... we don't know why.

Maybe Sisyphus is the embodiment of it all. 

But even though there will always be questions about the goal, as of now, there's a journey to be undertaken. Maybe it's just to complete a chain we are only a small link of. But nonetheless, there must be a balance between them both. 

So go where your instincts take you. Trust that the only perceivable end is to learn, to modify, to reassemble and then learn some more.
Don't despair the snags and the drudgery. Revel that you can feel it. There may be a connector you find, a connector which can only be found in hindsight.
And more importantly, don't give up. 

And lastly, be honest. To yourself and to others. 
Have the courage to stand up for your convictions, and even stand up to your own self if necessary. Don't ever hide behind the fear of failure and contempt, for that too, is a form of dishonesty. Fooling yourself is worse than fooling others, simply because you are the only one that would know.
Open yourself up to ridicule and nakedness. Strip away the cocoon. Fresh air is always best felt on bare skin. 

And love, even when it's hard; share, even when you cannot. 

And do it all because these are the only things that, to you, feel right.

Rediscovered Karen's gift

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing." - Eve Ensler

Shakun Batra

Oh.My.God.

I am still reeling from watching Kapoor and Sons. What a fabulous movie! There aren't enough words to praise it. Every nuance, the script, the setting, the characters, everything was soooooo gooooooood! I have honestly never witnessed a bollywood movie that was so beautifully made. Couple years ago, I could not even have imagined that scripts like this would get produced.
Ahhh. Cannot stop raving!

And Fawad Khan. Holy ********* Shit. 

Words

Sometimes, saying them aloud seems like a sure way to diminish the value of the thought. There just don't seem to be enough permutations and combinations in the world to truly express that one thing you are dying to say out loud. Ironic.

A little bit of something

These days, it's becoming harder and harder to stay away from writing something or the other. Even if it is complete nonsense and there is no flow or significance to it. :)
I feel like it has become a form of solace for me. It feels incredible to be able to put down thoughts in the right order and with as much honesty as I can muster. Given all the things that have happened in the past month, turning to paper, or e-paper, as is the case; is the only way I am able to communicate with myself.

I took a day off from work, just to cocoon myself in my house, without the outside world creeping in. Watched Me and Earl and the dying girl just now. It was very touching, and made me cry throughout. So not exactly the best choice of movie. Speaking of which, there seem to be a whole host of coming of age movies being produced these past few years. I should really rake up some more of these to watch, specifically ones that don't make me weepy. :)

Monday wishes

Today is SUCH a pretty day.

 I slept properly after a long time, through the night and woke up with a smile. :)

A great day to cap off a taxing, albeit a very significant month. I simply cannot even begin to start comprehending all the things that all but changed this month. Life came around silently and sweetly and just jumped into another league altogether. Sigh. :)

I just want the cool windy nights to continue and the stars to come out and the moon to be full and the music to play and me to just dance and dance and dance and dance.

Tannaaanananananannananannana

"Dancing with you undercover.
Feels like there are no more lovers, lovers, lovers, 
left to discover
No other
Can make me breathe the way I do."

Lane 8! Damn. You speaketh to my soul. :D

Distance and displacement

"We tried a lot. Like a LOT"

"And then?"

"We took a break. Figured if it wasn't happening, we might as well take a breather. Get some distance, might do us good." 

"Did the distance help?"

"Yes, helped us experiment and figure out other things. That helped with the problem indirectly."

"Hmmm. I'm not sure how that happened."

"It's easier to make informed decisions. Informed decisions need information. Ergo, we gathered more. Tried different perspectives."

"That sounds logical. So what's the status now?"

"It's starting to make sense now."

"That's great!"

"Yes, it is! I'm very happy with the way it's panning out."

"I guess now it's a matter of time."

"I guess it always is."

 *smile*


Lane 8 - Undercover <3

At what point

... do you choose intuition over reason? Or vice versa? A leap of faith includes the belief that you'd spout wings along the way. :)

Nostalgia

Found this little attempt at poetry from way back in 2007. Young me did not believe in capital lettering, or general grammar. :) Reposting without editing. 

Titled: Kisses for my old man

a bright toothy smile
for strangers i meet
a dash of rosy love
and a dream to believe

a drink to celebrate
and moments to cherish
a faded old photograph
full of memories... to relish

a sprinkle of tears
for skinning my knee
for a puppy love lost
and the sting of little bees

a pocket full of rainbows
a giggle to be happy
a twinkling star to wish on
and a cottage by the sea

a friend by my side
a lover's hand to hold
a little wooden rocking chair
for the time when i'm old.