Finally a good night's sleep. Feels nice for a change. Ugh just wanna cuddle in my blankets and snooze more lol. Yumm

Oooh and it's stonu's birthday todayyy... woohooo. Been ages since I spoke to her. Nice, I shall do that 😁

Tigist Assefa

What an absolute legend man. Holy fuck. 

2.11.53

Take a bow. 

You know what, time to shrug off this mehness. Life's too short, no point wasting it feeling blah. 

I'll call Raves tomo, get some good recos for recuperation, fix my injury and get back to working out properly. Plus I can depend on him , long as he isn't fighting  or making up with his gf, he should find the time to research and come through for me. It's nice to have dependable friends, I'm glad! ☺️ 

I'll gift him a nice bottle of wine someday for his troubles.

Franny and Zooey

"I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect."

"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

"I’m just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else’s. I’m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It’s disgusting."

"And I can't be running back and fourth forever between grief and high delight."

When I first read this book, I was all of 17?! Somewhere around that. And none of it made sense to me. I was just like why tf is she complaining so much, how fucking self indulgent. I got back to it at around 19 and it kiiinda made sense to me but not quite. Years later, every second word makes sense. Perspective, really gets you good. The kicker? I suppose I'm being self indulgent too. Except this time it's out of sheer exasperation. But self indulgence nonetheless na? Lol. Whiny like the protagonist. 

What can I even say? 

Bleh, also need to find some yoga and stretching exercises for myself. Atleast gotta take care of the necessary before washing away in a sea of irritation. Hmm. I think I'll ask Raves for some recos maybe, he works out lots so he would have some recommendations.  

Dirk Gently

"There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the fullness of time, and some that you simply want to push away from you with a sharp stick."

Lol, as usual Adams hitting the nail on the head. Now...if only I had the discernment of figuring out who goes into what category, I'd be a whole new person. 

BC

Dude my leg just hurts so damn bad fuckfuckfuck. Can't even sleep the pain is so intense. Tf is going onnnnn.

From sleepless nights to existential crises to injuries to cranky moods, Nietzsche got it right when he said " to live is to suffer ". 

Who can I flip off out of spite to ease this suffering though? 😶

TO WHOM DO I REGISTER MY COMPLAINT

Fams

Maybe the fact that one of my parents has such strong narcissistic tendencies is the very reason why I am so self sufficient. It's interesting - the more observant I've become - the easier it got to deal and separate myself from this influence. I don't feel powerless anymore, on the contrary I feel perfectly fine and centered and capable. 

I'm glad. I've worked really hard to change the narrative and determine what I need, want and deserve in life. And I won't compromise on that front.  For once, I can say that honestly and know that it'll hold true from now onwards.

Plus you know what? I trust myself to make the right choices when push comes to shove. I've always had the strength to have people's backs when they needed me to and I've also had the strength to have my own when that was needed for me as well. So I know I'll be fine. 

Yay, go me! 💪🏼

Sway

Funny how you randomly find a song and it makes the world upright again. Lmao. Music is so damn powerful, and such a huge part of my life. 

Con te partiro

Some cuss word idk

Another late night. Ugh. I want to talk to someone sensible and get some perspective and feedback. Hmm. Lol, I've never actually reached out to anyone for advice in my life, have I? Feels so weird. None of my friends think like me so they just won't understand. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me or is it the whole world you know. The one thing I do miss from my earlier friend group was that there was a sense of intellectual satisfaction from some of them. I hate to say it that way, I really do. But idk. I really miss having people to bounce ideas off of, who had some interesting povs at the very least. 

What do I do? Maybe it would help to just write down bullet points and try to reach to the bottom of it. Atleast accurately defining the problem might help. Lmc. And I have to remember to eat properly too, I've just been avoiding food randomly. I barely have an appetite this past week. Istg I'm just gonna go get a drink or something, will give me a change of pace at the very least. 

Light up

Reading Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid. There's such nice everyday humor in it, the writing style is warm and sunshiny. When he talks about the 50s and 60s with all the new inventions and the middle class having access to them, it gives me a sense of wonderment and nostalgia for a time I wasn't even alive in. I've often thought about 70s and 80s being the cool decades but never stopped to think of the ones prior. 

Like how amazing would it have been to be there to witness the birth of a light bulb. Having electricity at night, hearing a human voice over a radio, seeing television for the first time. Fuck. Even a telephone. Aeroplanes. 

The world is so oversaturated now and the inventions are so deep that only subject matter knowledge is what will help discern the wow factors. Hmmm. I think I've discovered a more layered meaning behind the phrase "ignorance is bliss". People have the audacity to scoff at elon's last space shuttle launch like it isn't quite literally one of the most insane pieces of engineering out there. I remember how much the media pushed the narrative of it being a failure when it was anything but. So damn crazy. Just blew my mind at how easily people adapt to new tech to consider it commonplace, when there's quite literally a teeny chunk of population that actually has the skill set to make it happen. Hmmm. 

One of the things I feel would be extremely profound would be space travel, whenever that happens. I've often fantasized about the overview effect and in some small way I understand what it tries to convey. But to actually witness it. Omg. I think my heart would break and heal in the same instant. 

Oh man, and then imagine it becoming commonplace and people complaining about wait times and slow flights. 💀

Seeing the earthrise same as sunrise and dismissing it. Lmao. I bet that would happen. 

Ugh. Okay I'll go read more. 

Heat

Giving my leg heat treatment, what all you gotta do for injuries man. I never had them before it's so wierd and I hate how persistent this one has been. Really need to take better care of myself from now. Plus the cold at night makes me want to snuggle in blankets forever. I don't think the temperature falls below 18-19 but still I end up 🥶

I'm just gonna cuddle and watch a nice movie in the dark tonight

Tried meditating

FELL ASLEEP

AGAIN 

Second night in a row that I can't sleep :(

What changes do I need to make to ensure I'm happy again?

I can't keep chasing ghosts, and I have to set my life in order cuz I can't just let everything slip by in a haze of " I feel bad rn "

Need to come up with some gameplan. 

Wide awake

Yet another night I'm finding it tough to sleep. I'm just... idk. I keep trying to run away from it, but I think I understand what I feel and why. 

Think I just want to laugh at myself at the moment, better than any other alternative. Lol. Just... slow claps are in order I guess. 

I'm just so sad lol

😅

Heh, funny is life isn't it?

Started pouring right on cue. Nice, atleast the weather is giving me company

Is Tom being Petty?

One of the first songs I loved. Learning to Fly

Still holds up for me. And reminds me of the basketball court hehe

Whew

Feeling so blah. Lol. Everything is so gloomy.

OOOF

Take my heart, take it already!! A 21 min version and every beat so damn good. Love is when music goes straight into your soul, no deviations 🏹

Used to be

That you and me

 

Something something

Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeahyeah

I wanted to stayyyyy

I wanted to playyyyyy

I wanted to Loooveeee youuuuuuuu 

😭♥️💔♥️

Hmmm

Slept for 12 hours and still waking up feeling tired. Wtf 😶

Fiddlesticks

Here's a little something they taught you naught

If you get a fiddle leaf fig

It's very hard to take care of.

JUST LIKE EVERY SECOND HUMAN I KNOW

All I ever want is for people to just communicate with me lol. That's usually just it, na? All my fears and theatrics just stem from the fear that a person chooses to leave me in the dark. Lmao. Such a small thing to correct, yet it builds into a mountain and I start distancing when I feel the other person is keeping away from me. I'm sure a lot of that might be in my head but come onnnn in the larger scheme of things it's a small fucking Achilles heel of mine so just fix it for me, someone. 🙄

This is why I like Di, she just calls and texts on her own so I know she wants me around. Lol, and she is texting as I type this, right on cue ♥️

Nepoleon's Tomb

Baby bro is in Paris and sent me a pic from Nepoleon's Tomb. Fuck, it's so unsettling. Just made me want to vomit the minute I saw it. 

It even triggered my memory of Man's search for meaning. Idk how to even describe it, but that book has stayed with me forever. There was a line about " you want to stamp out what you find disgusting ". It was so horrifying to read. And the part where he talks about how people just forgot after a couple of years. Man. 

Sometimes my heart just bleeds when I see so much suffering, so much hurt, so much pain in the world. I hate it. I wish I could take it all away. From everyone. When I was a kid, seeing someone else upset used to make me mirror their emotion and instantly want to make them feel better. A funnily selfish act maybe, because I was seeking to relieve myself of the burden as much as I was them. A lot of my fears have stemmed from the fact that there are truly awful people out there, ones that have no empathy. I've brushed up against one such person in my life and it's one of the most unnatural things I've ever experienced. ( Steer clear of narcissists, Amen. )

Over the years, I've realised that I'm very attuned to people's sensitivities and their perception of what they define as inadequate in themselves. Maybe that's why I have always tried to look for the best in everyone and highlight it for them whenever I do happen to see it. Lol, I do that for others and yet I can't seem to do that for myself sometimes. I have perceived myself as inadequate forever, and I'm old enough to understand that it was environmental factors that drove home that point for me daily. It's easier to articulate but not as easy to internalise I guess. I think that's part of the reason why I also want to create a diff environment for people who come in contact with me, like make sure even if it's a small thing, they can see clearly what makes them special. And there always are things that do, but other insecure folks just try to stamp it out of you. Whatever, idc what others do, I'll make like Ronaldo and pull in the other direction all by myself if I have to. Even if it's a tiny bit, I hope whoever comes around the periphery of my life has a positive experience, in whatever capacity. 

Untangled

Yeah, just that lol. Waiting for the weekend so I can go for a nice long drive. I think I want to go by myself this once. I actually want to go for a trek by myself, just climb some rocks and be around nature. 

It's funny that I used to be an extrovert, but slowly I've become very comfortable just being by myself. But I guess it's just a way to integrate both my sides. In lieu of quality conversations, I'd rather spend my time doing what I like. Di was telling me someone blocked her on insta and it reminded me of why I chose to delete socials so long back. I guess it's the noise of so many people that tends to be unsettling. In a small way, I wanted to have the freedom to discover who I am and who I like being without the opinions of others, so a fresh start was ideal. I've learnt to discern who to give my energy to, and where to hold back or completely cut off. It's probably still a bit of a work in progress but I'm sure I'll get it right by trial and error eventually. 

I should stop with the negative self talk though. Like...I'm sweet, I'm kind, I do my best for people, I'm smart, have a decent humor and am fairly knowledgeable. I do bring a lot to the table, I deserve niceness and I think I need to surround myself with people who see that in me, who are secure enough in themselves to be able to appreciate it and are welcoming. Create the right kind of feedback loops. Plus I have reached a point where I'm kinda tired and I can't make room for those who don't make an effort. So if you want to go, then just go. I won't stand in the way. But I'm done carrying all the load by myself, I'm not doing it anymore. And for once, I mean it. I'm happy to make people a priority and I'm happy to be loving towards them, but they have to meet me halfway and show me they care directly as well. I'm not settling for less, whoever it is. Tis what it is.

Chores

The bane of my existence. Pointless, mundane time consuming chores. 

Bleh

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Ever since I can remember, Free Fallin was one of my most fav comfort songs. And funnily enough, the Mayer version is one that I love a tad bit more than the original. 

Want to wriiiite her, 

Name in the skyyy

I think it's the idea of being free and taking the leap and not caring a hoot. I've always wanted to do that. 

And I'm freeee

Free fallinnnn

Plato's Symposium

What a fucking brilliant book. Oh man. Read all night long almost after so damn long. Very very immersive. I don't even know how many more times I gotta read it to fully absorb it but I can't wait to deep dive into Plato more! I realise that I enjoy philosophy that deals with the structures of the world and governance more than personal power and dilemmas. Probably why I respect Machiavelli but despise Nietzsche. The difference between optimising and doing what's needed v needless arrogant power mongering lol. 

Hmmm. I kinda like the dialectic way to flesh out an idea, Dosto does the same but pretends it's a book lol.  Haha, I love how little Dosto cared about plots and structures or anything flashy. Something about the sheer authenticity of his drive makes me respect him a lot. 

Anyway, let me read more. So much to absorb. 

#41

So pretty. Can you do any wrong, Mr. Dave? I think not. And the sax, oof! Just divine

Shaaake it off 🐕

You know what I'm like? I think I'm like a dog that gets gloomy when out in the rain, then suddenly the rain stops and I shake it off and start trotting around all merry again. I can spend months being stuck in limbo and then swoosh, it'll be brushed off in one fell swoop, never to bother me again. That's kinda cool, but just gotta make the gloom periods shorter.

David's proposal

Oh man, was watching that episode of S's Creek and Patrick just proposes to David. And David goes... " are you sure?" And Patrick just says " easiest decision of my life " ♥️

Man, so touching. This is exactly how it should be. No hesitation, loving that person's presence in your life and genuinely wanting to include them in yours to build something together. I love it, and I'm going to wait until I find that exact feeling for myself too. No more Harry Potter Christmas nightmares scenes haunting me, I'll be inside the home with warmth and love. My tiny slice of happily ever after.

Until then, imma shower my love on this beautiful grilled cheese in front of me omggg love itttt! 

Sometimes I wonder why I make the decisions that I do. But if I trace it back it's more or less so I can untangle whatever knots existed in my thinking. It's like there are two distinct sides to me, one that is easy going, fun loving and brash. The other is insecure, limiting and consequently putting self imposed obstacles in the way of the other side to take the lead. And yet the back of my mind has always had this firm belief and an eternally sunlit faith that everything will be okay. 

So idk guess this is a roundabout way of saying I'm theatrical asf. * Adjusts monocle* 

Edit: you know what, screw it, why tf should I let any self imposed beliefs hamper me? Can't believe how stupid and self indulgent I sounded while telling myself that. Fuck it, I like the way I was late last year and early this year. It was fun, and I felt free and happy. Why tf did I lose my way suddenly? Didn't work for 3 straight years on myself to entertain such negative self talk, did I? Sheesh. Get back up woman, no excuses! 

Also, SHELLY TAKE A SETTTT COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN! FIIIGGGHTTT! BREAK DJOKO LETS GOOOOOOOOOO

Omg I'm so excited lol

Honey

Saw it on an ep of S's Creek and dammit, I really like this word so much. Never had someone use all these affectionate terms, but I like the sound of this one a lot. Especially just used casually, like it's a habit. Maaaan, I'm sooo mushy on the inside lmao. Just give me affection and like a dog I'll just be wagging my tail and scampering around all happy. I jest, and yet this isn't even too far off from the truth. 🙆‍♀️

Beating the odds

My fear of failure is completely gone. Lol, took 2 years and an obscene amount of bullet and chess but yeah, I don't mind losing anymore, I just feel like doing my best. Hell yeah! Fuck. One lifelong fear routed, another one on the way. Celebrated by playing a fuckton more bullet rn lolol. Finally hitting the kind of rhythm I want in life. And idc what obstacles come my way going forward, I'm going to give the things I want my all. 💪🏼

I'm so proud of myself :)

Looool

Shelton v Djoko hahahahhahaha

This should be gooood! Love the youngling and looks like he is going to SCHOOL!!!

Wooohoo, Imma root hard for you Benny, let's gooooo! 

💀

Kinda had a really depressing talk with Di. I told her I want to get serious in life and think long term and her first response was you won't find what you are looking for. How sad is that. Especially coming from a married person. I never understood why she went ahead with her marriage if she wasn't completely into him. Even when they were dating, she kept on finding flaws. Man, I feel bad for that guy. Like instead of figuring out what you did wrong, you just want to make yourself feel better by saying others also won't get it right. Ugh. And her comments about my brothers' relationship also used to annoy me. Just cuz her ex cheated doesn't mean all people cheat or can't work on a relationship. I think it would be impolite to point that out but man, I'm a bit pissed off about this. 

Not knowing what you want is one thing but just settling and then internally disliking what you settled for is so so so awful. I never understood how people just play with other peoples' lives that way. Sorry to disappoint Di, but I'd rather be single than screw someone over. You are a friend, but at the end of the day you simply don't have integrity when it comes to people and you don't have any care for anyone other than yourself. You keep using me too as your emotional crutch, I keep sensing that. I'm just so mad at you rn. I wish I could tell you that not everyone cheats either. I never have. Lol, darling, the last boy I liked didn't even feel the same about me, yet when his friends came on to me, I shut them down and never let my boundaries be crossed. And eventually stopped talking to them for that reason alone. That's loyalty, and I didn't even need a label to freely offer it to him nor does he know this. It's cuz I know right from wrong and so do all my other friends, who would have done the exact same thing as me and not indulged/ used someone just cuz they got attention from someone else when they felt unhappy. And just cuz you choose to feed your loneliness and then simultaneously judge your partner for not being all you wanted, doesn't mean the rest of us are that weak. Lol, it's funny I did all that for M...but in retrospect I wouldn't change a thing. It's fine if he didn't feel the same about me, I wouldn't betray him or anyone else just for that. Probably a good idea to pick someone that actually cares about me though next time lolol. 😝😝 Hehe, that might be a nice change of pace 👀. Oh well. Buuut, I digress.

Di - at the moment I really just wanna say a big fat fuck you to you. The worst part of people like you is how you all pretend to be nice and caring on the surface, but honestly, it's just a disappointment underneath it all. 

Ugghhh. 

Ok rant done, now I can chill out and get some Shelton Tiafoe action. r/tennis has Tiafoe as their pick but I think Shelly will come out guns blazing. Rooting for the youngling!

Tact intact

So many fake nails lol. Why? People have so much patience for so many unnecessary things. Le mind boggles.

Aaaand I didn't drink tonight. Averaging maybe once in two months, which is a decent space.  I like how hard it is for me to break a resolve once I make it. Maybe should make more. Goody! 

Aaaaand someone told me they think I'm very tactful and know when to speak and when to hold back. Lol, if I had a tail, it would have wagged hard at that for sure. An ex mentor had said the same thing to me few years back too. Always found it surprising but I guess it's true. I'm blunt one on one, but in public settings I'm very careful of not showing any cards. I like that about myself.  I think this tiny anonymous internet space is the only place where I pour my heart out, helps me ground myself and be honest and clear. Funny, it actually contains more than a decade of my life and thoughts and things I've seldom allowed anyone to be privvy to. I'd like to be able to share it with someone someday though, that would be nice. Oooh and I just noticed a little bit of symmetry. I first wrote a post in 2013 and it was just the one. And it's 2023 now and I have 365 this year so far. 

Quaint.

Lol, Djoko steamrolling. But I'm more kicked for Zverev Alcaraz, that should be fun asf

Today was so nice. Got lots done, worked out, went out for a bit, and got a little drenched lol. A friend pinged me just to check in and see what I've been upto. Said they missed hearing from me. It was so nice. Tiny gestures like that just make my day. I've noticed even Raves starts making noise if I have been a bit low key and spamming stuff. The best part of genuine people is how they just light up your life in these everyday ways. I'm glad my friend circle all make me feel valued, I never have to doubt their intentions or live in fear around them. 

Hehe, making good choices ✌️

I also just saw some group post about Hikaru's wedding. His wife is Iranian, had me intrigued. I guess under his insecure persona, is a traditional guy who was also looking for stability. It's interesting to me how people choose their partners. I actually found it really nice to see who he chose, sometimes things like these tell you that the person might be juvenile but not essentially bad. He is probably just petty asf, but I'm sure his wife will smooth some of the edges out. Sometimes you need another person in your life that gives you some gentle perspective and a sense of balance. I think women do that well for men. Maybe not all of them, but usually stable, grounded women tend to have that nice calming effect on a guy. And I find it sweet when guys just listen without making a fuss about it. I've noticed when there's love between two people, the guy will implicitly know when he has to make room for growth and do it. I find it adoooorable. Maybe this is my idea of a loving marriage too. Just be the stable one for him, and he can be the reliable one for me. And once in a while he does things he doesn't want to but because I need him to cuz I'm important. Hehe, I'd like that. And both of us know when to give space and when to give in lol. Oh well, best of luck to hiki, may he have found happiness and contentment. Lol, and I hope I'm happy and content when I find my person too. I'd like to breathe easy :)

Okay time to go ouutttt, get a drink and watch Djoko Fritzzzz!!! Woot Woot!! In the mood for some good whiskey tonight! Or an Old Fashioned. Been ages since I had one! 

Let's go Djokooooo! ⚔️

USO

Why am I not finding it all that exciting this time? Pairings have been a bit dull.🤷‍♀️

Watching Zverev Sinner. Finally a good match up 💪🏼. Hate Zverev but he might win this. Ta tah, Sinner! 🥺

Childhood Nostalgia

I miss being a kid. I miss the freedom of it all, the fact that there were no layers or manipulations and people were just who they were, no sneakiness or minimal sneakiness, being boisterous, loud, running around, someone always made food at home so you didn't have to do a thing except figure out when to meet friends. My earliest memories are of wanting and making new friends and loving them lots. I still remember all the kids I met when dad was in Rajasthan, Akriti - who I thought looked like an angel. Purnima, who was my bff. Kartik and Pratap, who I once kneed in the nuts by mistake while playing football with him lmao. I vividly recall hating how squishy that felt hahhahaha. Yuuuuck. Omg and when Orkut was a thing Kartik reconnected with me and wrote me such nice testimonials. And Timmy, or Tommy. One was a person the other was his dog but I forget who was who now. His mom was such a bully. She made some scones and I hated them and she made me sit at the table until I ate it and I refused so we just had a standoff. Lmao finally I fed them to Timmy/Tommy while she wasn't looking. And she had the audacity to complain to my mom that I was not eating. Fuck you lady, your eggy scones were repulsive. 🤢🖕🏼

I spent so much time in my garden, climbing that tree I loved. Kept trying to befriend squirrels cuz I thought it would be cool to have a pet squirrel that I can carry around on my shoulder. My young heart really wanted the validation of an animal's loyalty to me lol. 

Ooohhh and I remember my bigtime business plan from then. Pooja, Suruchi and I were a gang and P used to get pocket money. Lmao and I convinced them we will buy knick knacks for ten bucks and sell them door to door for half off. Hahahhaha. Managed 2-3 sales and then I had the audacity to tell them both since it's my idea I get 50% of the profit while you guys split the rest. Happily made off with 2 bucks and they had one buck each. 🤣🤣. Then P's mom came to complain to mine and I had to give back my hard earned money. :( Adults are total assholes. But damn, I used to have so many random business ideas at the time. I was v inspired by all the Blytons I used to read. I remember the lending library I created and charged people to check out books. Noone fucking paid. And the puppies we rescued who lived with me and then one of them ate a sparrow while I was screaming at him to stop. That was a nightmare alright, stupid Tubby. He also ate all his sibling's food and became fat asf. 

I was also super forgetful, when mum gave me money for the class picture I kept it in my book then gave the book to my teacher for correction  and forgot. And I was so terrified of being scolded by my mom, I just lied and said I gave it to the teacher. Which was true, now that I think of it. Man, I was just petrified of my mom. Luckily my teacher found it so no harm lol. 

A lot of these random hijinks were sooo fun. I really miss that time. I think the happiest I've ever been in life was before teenage came around. Like legit. After that it was all angst and hedonism and idk a cycle of fixing what's broken. 

But meh, fuck it. I'll just go back to the start. 

Woke up at 5 am, tried meditating and fell asleep on the couch for 1.5 hours 😔 

Woke up again cuddling a pillow and felt no shame either.

Jeeves and Appleby

 "Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove."

"He's a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep,' I said, trying to be fair.

She was puzzled. 'How is he so successful?'

'Because,' I explained, 'he's a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep."

Wodehouse and Yes Minister. What a combo ♥️

~

My first boss used to love Yes Minister. 

He also enjoyed telling me " Age before Beauty ", while stepping aside to let me walk first through a doorway... lmao. What an ass he was! 

Following up

Soooo... Hmm. Been thinking about the detective character a lil bit. I think I want to make her relatable but not in a Hercule Poirot kinda caricaturish way. An everyday person maybe? Mid 30s? Or maybe even 40s? Actually 40s seems better, I can add a layer of life experience in her. A background that justifies a keen analytical mind plus people skills. More business less corporate though. Maybe retail? But that won't have a hook in our context. And it has to be a setting where she interacts with both genders... Oooh how about an admin? Or an HR? God I hate hrs, so not that. But hey admin works. Generally overlooked, people have conversations around them, and they are kind of written off in the corporate community in a way. So that works for the silent observer kinda play. Yes. I think that is it. And I think I'd want to start her off with the first mystery on a holiday. Maybe two kids too? And an everyday kinda husband? Kids can be funny and curious and in general add a layer of wholesomeness + chaos. Usually mothers with kids get overlooked as well, so that works too. Yeah, I want that element badly, someone you don't expect could have a lot of intelligence. I want to give her no pretences, no trying to lose weight or be cool kinda energy, but instead more matter of fact and real. I definitely want the husband to dote on her, because husbands should always dote on their wives lol. And a bit of sweet romance here and there, not as a highlight but as a more character layering kinda way. And she does need an identifier. Interesting. Hmmm. I'll have to think of this more. If I make her quick witted, it'll end up looking like she is clever, so I'll give that trait to one of her kids. Maybe the daughter. Lol. Cuz the daughter I can write as myself, self buttering. Okay fair that's cool, who will know anyway? People always assume you write yourself as the main character. 

Coming to plot, I think I'll need to create the characters they can meet on vacay so a mix of tourists and locals. But if I turn this into a murder mystery, how does a regular everyday person not just freak out seeing it? You would need to be a little more matter of fact right? Crap... Lol, first hurdle. Okay let me try to create the plot first, atleast a wireframe so I can see what makes logical sense. Hmmm. 

Length wise, I want to keep this at 50-60k words max, that's 200-240 pages. I don't think it will be fun to read something too verbose, so this should be it. 

Alrighty, let's do this. 

Frou Frou

Never realised Imogen Heap was also the singer lol. Used to hear them during engineering, or just post? Yeah. I think AK had introduced me to Imogen. Hide and Seek was the song, I remember liking the structure but not the sadness in it.

Still like her sound after so many years. 

This was one of my favs back then, like her voice in it.

Oooh but who was that other singer I used to love? Damnnnit. Let me think. 

Yesss! Laura MARLINGGGG!! OMG I LOVED HERRR. 

Ghosts who broke my heart before I met you!! 

Now that was an amazing song. 

https://youtu.be/Ps9HiuS9byM?si=fDB1vjD3NWIonJ01

I really need to listen to her more. 

Giddy with LAUGHTER

Lololol

Cunk on Shakespeare

This is HILARIOUS. FUCK. 

Couldn't stop laughing!!! 

Dammit, I literally dunno anyone who will enjoy this humor I'm dyyyying to share it with someone lmaoooo. Brit humor is just ELITE! 

Oh man, I even remember on her line on the Christmas show. " Christmas is such a big deal, that even Richard Dawkins probably does it. And he thinks God's a twatter who isn't even there " looool. The time she asked about gravity, and said "if it was always there, then Newton just took credit for it." And then there was also the " King Arthur came a lot, didn't they?" Ahahahhaha. Sidenote: Still have a crush on Gawain.

You know. Sometimes I find it frustrating that I dunno anyone who would just enjoyyyy this. Ooohhhh maybe sharans would...I'll hit her up. It's been ages since I saw her too, okay lmc what she is up to! Yippeee!! 

Cercle

That worakls concert. I cannot stop listening to it. Shit. If my life had a soundtrack, this should be it! Something about the power is so immersive. I instinctively feel like he mixes classical and rock with an orchestra. Can definitely sense Bach and Beethoven in his music. The elements are intact, if you listen deep. I bow to these two, grandeur in structure unparalleled. 

And when violinists play off of each other, mmmnnugh. Haunting, pleading, yearning, like a siren at sea.  Why tf is it so sexy? 

Damn.

You are my new fav artist. And what I love most about people like you is - you are so immersed in your craft, that you can't help but leave a teeny lil dent in the universe. Much respect. 

Drops of Jupiter

Spoke to Mum, she is doing better now. Thank god. I just started crying on the call. I was so damn worried about her these two weeks. Mum just freaked out but she was so nice and caring. I think she has never really seen me be vulnerable. Maybe just twice in my life.  Lmao, I always just put on such a tough exterior, it's such a force of habit. It's low key funny when people are stunned seeing me feel bad lol. It's so absurd it makes me want to laugh in the middle of it all. I'm a weirdo alright. 😅

Funny are the cages you put yourself in, people assume you are strong from the outside and never realise you might need support na. It's so hard for me, but in a way it was good I cried a little. I need to learn to include people in my inner space, just so they don't assume I'm just aloof or uncaring. Especially since I'm the opposite. Whaaaate jokes.

2023 - you have been changing me so damn much. Like wtf, all my barriers are melting. I've never been erratic but I guess these must be the teething issues that come with change. I'll make like Jung and observe the fuck out of them. 💪🏼 I wish the process was linear though, for someone left brained like me, there's comfort in knowing outcomes and timelines lmao. 

In another leap of faith, I told M about the raising voice thing lol. Man, it took effort to say it out loud. He didn't say anything, but atleast he knows now. If he chooses not to ack or apologise it's on him, but I gotta do my bit and be fair and not just retreat everytime something stupid happens. These aren't issues that should blow so much out of proportion and I think it's also my responsibility to not let them. He should do his bit but so should I. Oh well, should be okay though, atleast I did the right thing. Anyway blah time to let it go, silly tiffs between friends do not warrant this much footage. ☺️

Okay...Oy vey!!!! Power through! You got this! 

Istg I better fucking attain enlightenment at the end of this road.

Plot idea

I wonder if I can create a detective character. I've always loved Christies, and even Rebecca and Sherlock Holmes. Well not Holmes as much cuz once I cracked his plot style, it wasn't as impressive. But Christie is truly the master of her craft. And I do love mysteries. One of the things people even overlook in Harry Potter is how it was actually a mystery book disguised as a fantasy fiction, and that was it's biggest draw. Same with GoT. And I legit like that particular style the most. Hmmm. I'd like to create a female character though, a la Elaine. One of the few TV characters who didn't have to rely of sexuality to make a point, part of why I respect her so much. And ofcourse, all the Brit shows, they never ever exploit women that way which is very cool. 

So yeah, this actually seems like a good start point for me. I've been longing to create something of my own so I can feel fulfilled, nothing else seems to do it for me, so maybe this might help me feel good too. 

Let me ruminate on this more. It's time to take the plunge.