What I deleted

Idk if you read this at some point but I had an addendum to levy and danya text that I wrote then deleted. About how I was so naive to believe in their respective bs. And made me think of how naive I can generally be when it comes to me. I hope if I am wrong about you then it's only cuz you are nicer than I've given you credit for. And that you know I found it appalling that you must have thought I view you with a very critical lens. Which I do for my own safety and I won't pretend like I'm fully on board trusting you at the moment either but that's more my cautious nature. And I'm arrogant enough to question why tf it is taking you so long to trust me cuz lol I'm pretty fantastic when it comes to all the good things like reliability. It's not even double standards haha. But seriously speaking I'm cautious because I just don't want to make a mistake cuz I want a normal happy life. I don't care much about a lot of stuff but I'm determined to live in an authentic way and part of that is having people around who also want the best for me. Like I don't care if you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of cheese, when I share I made it it's just for fun and I'd like to hear ooo nice 🙂. Basic stuff like that goes a long way in showing appreciation and you don't exactly have to know a whole lot for all that idgaf and I've never really given a fuck about how much anyone knows, just how they make me feel. I feel like this is a lesson you haven't yet learnt, you seem to view everything as elo gain in life but for me life and people are in a circle not a hierarchy and being in the circle means you are trusted. It's not your abilities that get you there, it's just actions and how you treat someone. Aka you could be 600 elo and I'd pick you over all others as long as you nice to me. And you can be 3000 and I'll boot if you not. Haha. 

Anyway blah. Here's hoping things remain happy, stable and also fun. And that you aren't an ass. I mean you are an ass, god knows you are troublesome asf at times, but hopefully not an ass when it counts that's all. Those times be nice. 🖕🎃🖕

Care about you despite it all I guess. Ugh. 🙄 This eyeroll is for me. 

Here's also hoping I can read this post years from now and actually smile at it with affection and ease. Hehe, that would be so nice. Will show you also at that time. 

Cracked 2100 on puzzles. Wow. That wasn't easy for me took a day and a half. Hmm. Learnt something though, so that's good. Chess is so damn deep. 

Edit: oo I'm going beyond 2150 now. That's nice. Took a lot of time for sure. 2 whole days. 

Played puzzles a shit ton today. Interesting. So when not thinking I can drop to 1800 like my rating and when thinking I'm around 2070-2080. So when I get to 2070 I gotta slow down and refute all lines before I play. Hmmm. Haven't been able to break 2100 in these lately. Except now I want to. It's high time I break into the 2000s in all time controls. Okay I look forward to it. Hehe. Let me cut out mindless playing from today. Wanna get this done before the year ends.

Also brain suddenly zones out after 3-4 hours. That's also pretty shit. God I miss being young and feeling refreshed after 8 hours of concentration. Heh. 

Sometimes it's just annoying to deal with people who are simultaneously incorrect and dug in. Like sheesh. 🙄

~

Think I'm starting to miss having deep conversations. I genuinely miss that, and discussing ideas and just generally being engaged in a flow of something nice. 

With the introduction of trust, possessiveness turns to ease. :)

What a wonderful feeling it is. Like a gentle breeze ruffling through a meadow. ♥️

~ 

Space Oddity

Watching some 2400s play rapid and I'm always shocked at how they blunder simple tactical things like if you take a piece that's guarding another. I feel like most games are just a matter of one blunder, which is egregious. Rarely do I see anything that's free of them and positional I guess. It's interesting though. And frustrating to be honest. To watch someone just make the mistake you preempt it's haha idk. But maybe that's chess. If you love precision anyone being imprecise can be annoying. I bet games like the ones I would play would also irritate the crap out of higher rated players. Hahah. Oh well fuck em. 🖕🖕I get why M also must be annoyed by A when he is passive cuz he is like aahhh just get in the field don't be lazy calculateeee. Hahaha. If he got annoyed by me I actually wouldn't care I'd probably get all dug in and want to prove him wrong or some shit. Bite off way more than I can chew but when it comes down to it idc I'll still fight and there are some things that are best left untested haha. It also takes trust I suppose. To trust that even if they being mean on the surface they actually want the best for you so you allow for them to shape you in some way. If I give him my trust it'll be forever so I won't for now. That much power should only be with someone who wants the best for you. I'm not yet convinced of that so nyat. I shall not bestow mine on him. 🎃

Actually really enjoyed analysing one game too. Wanted to see if I can spot what's a critical error and I could damn. It felt so damn good. Checked with engine and it jumped from -0.5 to +4 ish right there. I think it's the first time I've actually tried to do it this way and just enjoyed it so much. Naro was right, there are just worlds within one position and it's so easy to get lost in it. It's scary how enticing it can be too, you can spend hours in it. "Chess is beautiful enough to waste your life for." ~ Hans Ree. I kinda agree. Not all of it, but I can see how it can be alluring. 

Saw some yt clips and as usual the drama came in recos. Was kinda surprising to hear Naroditsky say he didn't take on krammers because Kramms is high rated. Didn't expect that. I thought it was simply a matter of principle like randomly this dude annoying me why should I reward him with a match. Lol. He is also following his own dostoevsky arc a la Ivan Karamazov. People are so weird they fascinate the fuck out of me at times. Even when I view him I'm thinking to myself hey what would be the best way to deal with this etc. Deffo not wha he is doing, just coming undone. I can't seem to help but speculate on what's the right thing to do in all of this. Still, never occurred to me that he simply didn't want a match cuz he knows krammers is v strong. And yet he is spending time in yt comments now. It's pretty sad. But yeah that thing M said about retirement being tough lolol. Sooooo cute man. Aaaaa. Just melted at the thought of some sad dude not feeling good about people not respecting him. Then realised wow am I easy to sympathy scam or what. Feeling bad despite the unhingery he displayed while Ivan dearest is not able to eat or sleep. Ahhahahah. Why are they all so crazy? Istg in normal life noone will have the patience or the mood to deal with these nutters and yet collectively the chess world just makes room for insane oddities. 

Am I odd too? Hahaha. Not yet anyway. I can straddle the normie world well but maybe inside me is also an impulsive non conformist that wants to peek out from time to time. Such a pretty way to describe it, but why the fuck not. 🤭

Bonus: 

Ahahahhahaha. Ommggg. Such a grouchy twatty man but fuck, he does have a way with words. Hahahhaha. Stupid ass chess world just people being petty and cunty for no reason and yet it's just so idk. I DONT KNOWWWW. 🤣♥️

Made a wish this diwali lol. Not sure if you make wishes on diwali but oh well. Lately, I just feel like the gravity of life has kind of settled in. I'm more aware of people and finiteness. Maybe it has something to do with granny and viewing everyone at home but I just feel so completely concerned about everyone. All the time lol. Like scolding brother for speeding, dad for doing his dumbassery, mom for walking on the roadside lol. Heh. I just want to keep everyone happy and safe and sometimes I feel like being controlling in my urge to just get everyone to not make mistakes but why tf have I become everyone's parent lmfao. Well, idc everyone better listen to me and not do bs. Haha. Fuck...it sometimes really feels like you have to not let anyone be wayward.  Oh well, god bless. 

 A warm cuddly hug 🫂. Just. Hehe. 

Pecos, wildchild

Went to a wine tasting, it was blah. Then came to Pecos..lol. The pub of my youth. Holy crap time does stand still. Even Anthony is still here serving patrons. So is the popcorn you get with the pitcher. And the music. Fuuuuck..hard fucking rock. My first love. On a bed of roses. And all the classics that I have FUCKING LOVED. IN MY FLOYD SHIRT. Lol. Man. A slice of youth and a time I loved. Shotting at fuel when H and I and the gang were fighting. Holy nostalgia hahaha. Jimi Hendrix staring at me, nipples bare. Winds of change coming on next. Down to gorky park. Heh. The ruuuskis would get it. Taaaaakkke meeee. 

Fuuuuck

God. We were so wild. So full of ourselves. And so convinced of our lives.  

I still am. And I am still here. Pecos. My first love with popcorn on top. Heh..and still it's not exactly the same. Maybe cuz I'm older? Idk. Just feels like a bittersweet part of my growing up years. L you were such a huge part of it. And V. Lol. My first long term bf heh. Crazy. Aaaa..idk man, everything is diff now. So different. 

Let's just assume for the night that I love it. 

Aaand The Who comes on holy fuck. Aaaaaa. 

WE WONT GET FOOLED AGAIN. Suck it, everyone🖕

~

And hallowed be thy naaaame

Ugh. Cradle of filth. Never realised the religion symbolisms in them but fuck. I love it. Doomed but trying hard. 

~

Babies go waaah

Listening to the levitov podcast and damn man. I feel sorry for Kramnik in part. He is such a...how tf are you 49 and this way. This entire thing is him looking for attention and he doesn't care who he hits out at. I kept wondering why he went after Danya and not Hiki and now it's dawning on me that it's simply cuz Naro has Soviet roots. So he must seem closer to them than Hiki etc. It's weird how much role identity plays in people's choices. And it's so fucked up that K is sooooo desperate for attention. It's insane and unnatural. What is it about chess that makes people so crazy? Is it just that they measure their lives based on elo? Man. That's so sad if true. A whole world to choose from and all you want to do is devolve into such a mess. I find it interesting from a human story perspective. All of them seem to have some strange need to demean others and climb to the top of an imaginary hierarchy. Hiki taking shots at everyone all the time. M said he came after his family too same as alireza's brother and others. So shitty. He came after erigaisi also I remember that. Even Giri had said something mean to alis bro iirc. How tf do you say shit about people's families man. And M mentioned his grandad passed away but didn't think to ask me about my granny still. Sheesh. Just hit me so hard in that moment I almost cried. Well, never mind. Not going to think about this again.

What a low. Never have I seen that in anyyyy sport. It must suck to have these unwanted dudes just behind your back. Nepo also yuck. I actually just dislike these people based on their personalities lol. I can't play chess even half as well but I would never look up to any of them or want to be around them ever. 

But what's interesting to me is the choices K is making rn. From this it sounds as if he is just looking for chess com to be his bitch and make him king and lashing out at everyone to see what sticks. Wow. Crazy how entitled some people feel. It's literally like a small kid in a grocery store throwing a fit. God i hate those kids too haha. I wonder what parenting trick is needed to deal with them cuz it seems like the same is needed here. " Really toxic babysitting" that's the phrase that comes to mind. It is as bad as watching adult alcoholics. When 30yos get shit faced and slur etc it is so gross and sad and pathetic. Sadly I view most of these people also in the same way now. Hmmm. Embrace tennis 🎾, my one true sports love.   

And you know what fuck all this idc... Imma listen to eminem and work outttttt 💪

Let's goooooo

All Eve did, was eat an apple.

And then we blamed her for all that went wrong after. 

Funny. It's always women who get blamed for folly. Even though Adam bit it right after. Heh. What a joke. 

And there lay show white. Eons later. 

 Cut my own hair and didn't fuck it uppppp

🥺

This is so cool zomggg

https://www.decarpentier.nl/carpentopod

Gotta see the build properly zomgggg so niceeee 

Unsavoury

Grima, Uriah Heep, Unferth, Snape... All derivatives of the same character. Interesting how many influences influenced others. 

People always hated Iago, I grew up hating Heep... Quite literally the most loathsome character I've ever seen, along with now Luzhin. 

If you condense all the grime of the human condition into a person, you have these unsavoury everyday characters. True evil is rare. The common domestic evil these guys embody along with their insidious presence has always struck me as far more poisonous than most people give it credit for. 

Shudders. 

I'd like to create a character that can be hated. Hated more than an all powerful evil one.

Hmmm. 

Just a reminder to myself: My life is my responsibility and I should choose to pick better roads if the ones I'm currently on simply show me pictures that are not to my liking. And I think it's high time I do it.

The world can be a murky place. There are so many discontented people out there. And it's always the small things that count and matter that increase happiness and quality of life. It's time to accept that I should choose to count on those who make that effort for me. 

Long back, when I spoke to J... That felt so nice and I was so drawn into the conversation. It was because it had been ages since someone was just nice to me and connected with me on my wavelength. It felt easy because the person I was speaking to was at ease with themselves and willing to be nice to me cuz hmmm. Cuz he is a secure man tbh. He is a lot of other things. Things that do not align with me and who I am. But that one bit is so important. Just that value you confer on to someone because you care and more importantly because you don't feel diminished doing so. Lol. I can't believe I'm even stating that out loud. Where did I take a wrong turn that I actually have to state that out loud lol. Yeah. Hmmm. 

Well, no point in dwelling but from now onwards I think I have to be cognizant of this and make room only for what naturally fits. I'm done feeling like a slave and never again will I do it. 

Granny's one month passing is kinda bringing home that fact to me. 

Anyway, I feel myself mentally checking out finally. I am not willing to withstand negative behaviour. I guess cuz I had some measure of hope that I might be wrong, but that's just wishful thinking I suppose. Heh. All I've ever wanted is niceness and consideration and I am not going to compromise on that anymore. 

~

Listening to Naroditsky's podcast as I type this and I can't help but feel like I share the exact same bias for fairness that he seems to have. Which is why I do not find it easy to believe that he would ever stoop low enough to cheat. The thing that strikes me so much is how he is still willing to be fair towards that asshole, no disrespect to assholes ofc. In my own life I feel I've been guilty of doing that exact same thing... Being fair towards shitty people out of a compulsion to be fair even when said people suck. But I guess he understands as I feel I do too that ethics and ethical frameworks are meant to remain undiluted and untouched by the lunacy of others. That's the whole point, you do not allow the actions of others to break that covenant. And it can be hard. I can appreciate how horrid it must be for him rn to have to deal with these whispers and nonsense. Can see how much it impacts him. I guess that's what I was trying to tell M too, esp about accusing kids. Like it doesn't matter even if they do something wrong, grown men aren't allowed to bully them just for that. Subjecting kids to abuse even in the form of online bullying and harassment as punishment is ungodly and unpardonable. I wanted to tell him to imagine what Bobs reaction would be if his kid does something wrong and some unrelated dude shows up and starts yelling at the child or plastering nonsense online. I'm sure Bob would want to knock him out. Any good father would want to tbh. Idk. I hope M gets it someday. (And perchance you do read this, then well... I really hope and wish you understand the sanctity of protecting kids even when they do something wrong. There are times in life when you have to learn to keep the well-being of others above your own agendas and wishes. Being able to discern that shows character.)

Today marks one month since she passed. Fuck man. I feel bad. And I fucking love my parents so goddamn much. 

Damn dude. Fuck. Just. Idk. I feel bad.