I just feel numb. Interesting. Well, I suppose it's good. Can try to get that stupid 2k maybe. Heh. I know I'll feel sad in a bit but I have nowhere to vent cuz at some point someone'll fucking read it and I can't be sure that wouldn't happen and I do not wish to share what I feel with anyone right now. Please go and talk to all your wonderful follows and people you are "comfortable" speaking to. Fuck you. 

This I promise myself - going forward I will only care about those who actively show me the same level of care, kindness and concern that I show them. 

Amen. Lol 

Funny how deal breakers evolve over life to include new ones and sometimes outgrow old ones. My one rigid deal breaker always was cheating and that remains. But I find myself realising that even in day to day life, I need to feel like I'm of importance to the person and have that surety as a given. To feel at ease. I've never had to outline this before. But I guess when you are around selfish folks you realise how important it is to feel cared for in small ways. Heh. Such a little thing and it's so easy. Anyway blah. I've outgrown dysfunctional dynamics now and I don't really care for them or people who propagate them tbh. Either meet me at an even level or fuck it. I'm not willing to make an effort for someone who doesn't make one for me any more. 

All they do is simply pretend to be nice just enough so you stick around, but it's my own fault for choosing to delude myself here too. When bored, simply ignore me for other women then when nothing else to do show up again right? Lol. 

J really did a number on me. Kept telling me he needs me, used me as a crutch for his dad's cancer then thought nothing of shattering me for other women. Since then, I just decided to keep to myself and for the most part I did. And now, seeing someone else do this kinda shitty thing to me just feels so wrong. I am fully at fault for not walking away sooner too. But in the end it's always bothered me how belittling it's been for me. Following so many random women who keep popping up on my profile but never thinking to value me at all. Telling me personal life is personal like I'm some enemy then prying into mine almost daily for close to two years. Maybe it's to seek validation maybe it's cuz it's flattering to think look look I have this girl on a hook while simultaneously sleeping with a bunch of others. Never wishing on birthdays, never bothering with death of family members never bothering with literally anything from top to bottom nothing left unturned. From the smallest to the biggest thing and then calling me a ' friend '. Lmao. 

I can't seem to stop crying rn because not only has this person hurt me so much but I suppose acknowledging all this outright means I also need to put an end to it and that means distancing for good. And that's never easy when you do give a shit about someone. But I suppose that's a weakness of character I have. I find it hard to prioritise myself even when I should. 

Oh fuck dude. Well it's okay. Cry today, cry tomo if you must but then do what is necessary and look out for yourself. It not okay to care about someone who didn't so much as bother talking to you. It was always underlined to you directly... "you aren't important, not worth speaking to, not worth asking about and I'm being clear about that." Someone you gave your number to when they were in distress, just so they'd know you trust them. And instead they are "uncomfortable " with the idea of saying hi and having you wish them on bday among other things. Because idk you are brown? Lol. Who knows? Could be anything. Does it matter? Nah. Matters that they thought it's okay to treat you like that repeatedly. Telling me they were poor, homeless and all that. Something I never judged them for, all I felt in those moments was concern. Then suddenly saying no grandad had money. It's always just random lies. Ones that actually never made a difference to me, cuz I don't care either way. But in turn to be seen as someone that they are uncomfortable knowing is such an insult. So maybe remind yourself of that everytime of this and just write him off as well. If someone can be so belittling then staying in that equation simply means you are belittling yourself. True. I guess I was. And I want to be treated with consideration and respect. That won't happen if I myself cater to people who don't. So I suppose it's best to accept that it won't happen here and make room for those who might. Well, I guess this is goodbye. And if you do read this someday then ok. All I wanted was to be treated with respect and niceness, same as I tried to bring to your life. Guess it was not to be. But I do believe I deserve to be treated well. Even if you think otherwise. 🤷‍♀️

Well, atleast saving you the trouble of saying goodbye. Plus now you don't have to hide my voice from other women or get them to hide from me on insta. Lol. Nice, right? :)  God speed. 

Eff it. Worked out incessantly and now I feel good. Muhahaha. It's the one cure for all the blues. Booyeah

Discarding a post about just wanting a tad bit of niceness lol. How sad is it that I simply discount my own self the few times I actually feel it? And how deliciously ironic that I choose to be around people who always make me acutely aware of that? 😔

Sadler is SO CUTE. Explaining how his dessert was. So adorable. Haha. Like a total grandpa.  Sometimes I wish I had a grandad like him. I love the idea of having an old, clever person to look up to and who could have interesting things to share and hobbies that they could explain to you. Hehe. I guess it was not to be. 

 Kasparov Ivanchuk '94

The one move I think of and it's the move Kasparov makes here and it's the losing move. ♥️ Absolutely goated I love it. 

Loving Ivanchuk though what a playa. So much to discover in chess woohoo.

Talking to bro and man 3 hours just flew by Such fun. ♥️ I miss intelligent conversations so fucking much.

Knight Bishop checkmate

WHY ARE YOU SO FASCINATING? 

~

Finally learnt it. That was fun. Whew. Geometry ♥️

Summer rolls! Finally learnt how to make them! 

One must simply come through for ourselves. ♥️

I think he just blocked me on lichess and then unblocked me after a bit. Bruh. 💀💀 Wondered why username wasn't showing up and then it did hours later. Then wondered why tf would someone do that and realised ohhhh. Because I didn't say outright positive stuff and instead commented on ball direction so he would interpret it as me saying other person doing well and not him? 💀 Lmao I hope it was just a glitch and not something this petty. Except it's weird asf cuz all other accounts showing up.💀 

~ 

It's a testament to how many vengeful and petty things people have subjected me to over the years that I've even started noticing all this.

~

Whatever. I gots periods and if this is actually true then it's very disturbingly vicious. It's really bizarre if someone is so vindictive tbh. Lol flashbacks to A and her blocking me over Ed Sheeran lyrics.

~ 

A little TLC during periods would have been nice but here we are. I gives up. Resigns. 🙅‍♀️

~

Who knew stupid ass apricot seeds are poisonous? Why are they even sold without a warning label? How tf do they sell potentially lethal goods as "dry fruits"?  Ugh. Pretty sure that's why my periods are early and I'm irritated asf for no reason. And fuck periods also zomg. Ugh. Aaaaaaaa. * Screeching into the void*

I hate PMS

I feel lately M has gotten a lot more snappy and kinda rude and I can't help but wonder if it's the after effects of dating C. It's really hard for me to be around him, given his propensity to mansplain every tiny little thing in the universe to her and to me whenever I'm around them. So it's super hard to understand what she sees in him or how she deals. But it feels as if she kinda has started to randomly take it out on me and I don't like it. Not sure how to put that point across but it's just getting on my nerves. Plus the constant negativity and propensity to taunt is also very irritating and it's getting harder for me to not snap back. That line about other M today really irritated me tbh. Maybe I should just stay away for a bit. 

Lol. Well, this does probably stem from C, atleast a lot of it. "Rain doesn't fall sideways." 🙄 To be honest, I hate the way he speaks to her. It's always talking down to her and acting like he knows everything and she is some child that needs his guidance as opposed to a grown woman whose opinion he values. It's so disrespectful dude. Ugh. 

And so sad that she feels like this is okay.  Sometimes I'm just sad that people get so stuck in their lives. They tell others not to make this mistake but then go ahead and do it themselves. That entire day I could see she was tolerating what he said and ignoring a bunch of things about him. It's funny that she never took it as a red flag that all his friends are very docile. It's simply a sign that people with an opinion and personality don't want to be around him. Lol. Maybe I'm also kinda fed up with this dynamic. Probably best to take a break and reconfigure. Hopefully just a passing stressful period. 

Sheesh I'm just so fucking pissed about this and with her to be honest. I do not want to be some punching bag for someone who can't even clearly see her own issues with him and will instead look to project it on me. Gah. 

~

I truly don't know how to rationalize all this currently. I don't want to damage my friendship. I guess that's the bottom line. Funny that the person who keeps saying let goo let gooo doesn't actually realise how many times I do let go without telling her cuz I don't want to be hurtful. 🙄 Ironies of life. 17 years of knowing someone, through their breaks ups and divorce and what not and I have never once ranted out this much. Enter one irritating guy and here we are lol.

~~

MOFO MY PERIODS ARE ARRIVING NO WONDER IM SO FUCKING ANNOYED 😠 

~~

Everytime I am irrationally irritated it's because of this. Fuck. And now my stomach is cramping and I can't work out. Having this much pms after a loooong time damn. 

Reading about the Japanese politician saying forcefully remove uterus at 30 to incentivize women to give birth is making me sick to my stomach. I feel afraid of just being a woman now. The fact that even to get headlines people can just say these things is so utterly fucked up. 

I feel scared being a woman in this world. Fuck.

Good Will Hunting

Watching Goodwill Hunting haha. Dammit I love this movie so fucking much. My lifelong love affair with Matt Damon and annoying asf men hahahha.

" He pushes people away before they get a chance to leave him."

" Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there " 

~

Funny. When I saw it first, I was a child. I hated the fields medal dude and I got completely what Sean meant when he said it was my choice to not pursue this you mathematical dick. Haha. I think that's the loneliness that comes out of the choice of picking the ordinary route. People who expect you to be extraordinary never fucking get it. And therein lies their insecurity. I do disagree with Sean a little bit now though. I guess maybe he simply didn't love math as much, even though he was great at it. So tis okay. No regrets there. But he was a great psychologist. The only one able to tackle genius. And therein lay his true calling. Heh. 

~

"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either." 

Heh... But that is precisely why it's beautiful. There is zero beauty in perfection. It's the imperfections that make the moments of alignment soooo much more meaningful. 

And dammit now he is crying and I feel weepy tooooo. Aaaaa. Dammit that stupid scene just gets to me every fucking time. 💀

Nvm vision blurry now too many tears. 😭

~~

This movie made me realise how my idea of someone who loves me was in some way about him being happy and grateful to have found me and built a life with me. Atleast that's how I envisioned it now but never did I think it was about saving someone like Will, even though it seems a tad bit like that. I don't want someone to ever be indebted to me in any way or have had to go through bad times or anything. I just want them to be happy they found me, that's all. And that our life together while being silly, irreverent and fun, has a deeper, rooted connection where we are both grateful and happy to be with each other. Heh. Nothing fancy, just a bond that is enduring and wholesome. We should be able to talk affectionately and positively about each other both when noone is looking or when everyone is looking. I'd like that. 

Sometimes intuition just says something to me so strongly and I don't quite know if it's something I should trust or not. Idk. Esp if I think someone is either mad at me or I'm picking up on some negative vibes. Feels really strange. 

~~

Ugh see I knew something is up. I know he is mad about something or someeething is up. Randomly playing 1+0 also and being quiet definitely pissy about something. And now if I ask it'll be some oh no ofc not kinda stuff. 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 Child. Chiiild. Haha. FINE. he wants to act like a 7yo I'll fucking act like a 6 yo then no worries. Ushering in an era of stability my ass he won't...will just be a baby. Haha. But who knows maybe someone said something and he is pissy about it. 

Fine lmc I also won't ask anything now. I want to but I can't ask cuz 100 percent he will give me more grief if I do lol. I'll just wait for him to cool off just in case there is something. 

What a nice day. It was sunny, went out, met M, have her the Ramsay book I had been looking forward to gifting and my cheese haha. Omg. Checked out sports stuff, coffee, made a complete day of it. Saw C also, sometimes I don't like the way he speaks to her. I can see she also gets offended by it. Hmmm. She has been a bit touchy around me also lately and I feel maybe it's because of him being so overbearing that she feels like noone listens to her point? Idk. I dislike the incessant need he has to be the person who knows the most in any situation. Even when he doesn't lol. Idk. I would find it exhausting to be around him, I already do even on short visits. Strange no. I get that everyone has insecurities but sometimes I'm very stunned by how much it distorts someone's behaviour. Statements like " you don't know anything " in that giving a speech tone is quite offensive. Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder how much compromise is too much compromise on a relationship. Oh well. I wonder what compromises I am capable of. Like it's easier to know what you can't compromise on at times. But people always put up with strange things without realising it. It struck me the other day when other M also said H disrespected his family and he followed that with... But they don't know family dynamics. I didn't ask him the dynamics but my mind right in that moment was like hey hey it doesn't matter what the dynamics are, who tf is that guy to speak about it.  Even if everything is top notch, doesn't mean someone has the right to talk about fam. These people have no respect for anything. I remember him saying shit about A's brother also and that too was sooooo shitty. Cunt he is. Hell, even in godfather, noone talked smack of fams. Maybe it's also an Indian thing in a way. For us, culturally there is a sort of reverence with which people have been taught to view fams so insulting parents etc is seen as inappropriate in the extreme. Well, that's actually a good thing. Maybe that's why my first instinct was to get flared up right when I read that statement. And H has a Sri Lankan dad, plus his own culture stresses on family values so he should know better than to behave this way like wtf.  Hmmm. I'm sure it's a hurtful topic for M though, inside inside he is so sensitive so I'm sure he feels it a lot even if he doesn't say it. Probably doesn't say it because it's so sensitive to him. Damn. :( Didn't think of it that way till now. I didn't want to ask also, these things are so personal it feels like prying. Best to let people share what they please. I guess support can always be silent and solid, atleast that's my view of it. Oh well, nothing so bad that it can't be either fixed or atleast dealt with in some way. It'll be fine. 

I see C also hitting some sensitive spots in M and idk how long she allows for it. I guess forever. But then I suppose he makes up for it in different ways. Relationships hinge on trade-offs that help you feel secure. That matters most. Rest is okay. 

You live, you learn.