From loving that lil kid's joy in that vid to knowing he just assaulted a woman. Wtf man. It actually just hurts. Am I being silly over something? Idk. Weird. I wanted to preserve that memory always inside a lil cocoon but then the stupid world has to show it's ugly side and yet. I guess fairy tales need not exist and that's okay. But what's bothering me here? Hmmmm. 

It's just knowing that someone that small and happy on that one day in the middle of a random game whose squeals made me adore the entire thing, a thing I would not have been aware of had I not chanced upon it soooo utterly randomly...like so many things had to align the way they did for me to see that and it was such a spontaneously happy reaction for me and now all I can imagine is some horrified teen having to deal with cops and what not and he probably is more afraid of what awaits him at home more than anything else. You know. Fuck his parents if they caused him this much stress. Fuck parents everywhere who are relentless in their desire to live out their dreams through their kids and fuck them for driving and abusing kids to this extent honestly. 

Hmmm. 

I hope that kid finds his way. I legit do. Nothing in life is so shattered that you can't fix it and I hope he can do so and just learn and do better. A kid is a kid at the end of the day and I hope he just rebuilds his life from here on out. It's important to learn to be your own support structure at times in life, but you have to. 

If I had one fucking super power, I used to think it'll be something cool like teleportation or flying but now I feel like the one true power would be the ability to sheild all kids from mental and physical harm and help them believe they can build a life they are proud of and happy with. Work hard, believe in yourself, but choose happiness whatever that is.

We live our lives in our heads, more than anything else. Carrying around negativity and bad thoughts is simply like not showering or something. It's just self harm. You are the one that feels the brunt of it the most. Robbing people of peace and happiness is such a crime, you just doom them to a lifetime of evil thoughts. So yeah, if I could... I would choose to shield them from this fate. Moments like the ones he is facing are the times when you need someone solid by your side...if nothing then just to give you hope and conviction that you can turn things around. I hope Yoo can find that in his life somehow. Don't know Yoo but wish the best for Yoo. Lol. Idk why I had to write that heh. 

I also feel weird writing down something honest knowing how childish and naive or silly or whatever it may come across as.  Do I need to worry about being judged? Shall I cloak myself? I know that inner me is very idealistic and that makes me unrealistic at times but idc, you can always keep your own monologues adhering to what you feel is true. But sharing that self with someone else feels weird cuz I've never done it before. 

Nay ✋💀 

Run

Sweat

Music 

Late Night

Sttayyyyyyyyyyaaayyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaayaya

...with me 

Happy place

Blossoms. A city institution that only the OGs care about. 

The oldest used book store where I could spend days and days just browsing with my earphones plugged in. Ugh. The smell of old books, the quiet, the occasional employee walking past... unhurried, and the worlds and years that were contained within each book that made me want to read them all furiously. 

I could never leave without atleast buying 6-7 books and feeling remorse that I couldn't take them all. Fuckkkk. 

Heh. My first time being in a library in my school when I was barely 6-7 that kicked off a lifelong yearning for reading. I've always felt so at home in a library. Dammit. I gotta visit soon. 

 In the midst of all the bs and all the shitty little existential crises that prop their ugly heads up .. the one thing that rears it's head always is the knowledge that at there are some barriers that don't relent. Seeing Nadal today. Makes me wonder. 

Idk man. He has enough laurels to last him a lifetime. And yet he is not happy he is so sad. Unlike djoko. 

Who battled the negativity of every person that loved fedal. And didn't relent. 

Idk. 

In their own way all three have their own bitter sentiments to chew on. For djoko it's many people not unanimously loving him as the goat. For Nadal it's the perpetual number 2 spot that hurts him. And for FedEx it's the number 3 spot that he knows is his except he can't deal with it. He hates djoko. 

Hmmm. 

Funny is life. Maybe it is trying to teach everyone something. 

Legends

Ratan Tata died. What a giant of a man. RIP. 

Nadal retired. 

And Demis Hassabis won the Nobel.

All in 24 hours. 

Dayum. 

Wholesome

Watching some pewds and cinnamontoast ken collabs and while I find them both wholesome, it's also interesting that both their wives reached out to them first and both stayed with them long term building good families. So cool. Esp Ken who is suuuuuch a dad lol. I actually quite like the person he seems to be, there's an innate feeling of home around him haha. That's so nice. Not often that you expect or find that in youtubers tbh, most are just weirdo show offs which I find sooooo repulsive. Nothing gross like people throwing money or sex around I find that so crass and tacky. Lol. The one thing I'll always judge cuz it's always a sign of a lesser mind in my books. Oh well. 

8th Oct

I finally cracked an idea I think would be great if I can execute it well. Just. 

Idk if I'm nervous or excited heh. I just hope I can do it justice and actually also follow through. 

Maaan. 

Dayum. I'm really gonna do this. 

Okay. Nervousness aside, let's try. 

Love

Darlin 

Ugh. 

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. 

Woah oh oh oh
Every night darlin'
Gonna love you every single night, yes i will
'Cause i think you're too doggone outta sight

Heh

Aaand nowww:

Dreams

Idk which I love more. Probably Darlin' cuz fuck slightly sad songs too, that era of life is over asf.

Onwards to only good things and good times and good folks making things bright.  

Support

Something changed in the last couple of weeks about my perception of C. Both he and M were very supportive after I got back and I'm soooo happy and grateful to have them. With some people you don't have to say anything just knowing that they'll be there is comfortable enough. 

We hung out all day over the last weekend and there was this moment where he kind of just opened up about some stuff that made me instantly understand the source of his ego and why he behaves the way he does. And I saw the vulnerable person underneath who isn't actually mean or nasty, just someone who is compelled to be recognised. But more than that I saw what M loves about him. How he is protective of her, nice to her... Like just doing things with her together. And I guess I just felt a sense of as happiness and restfulness here. 

In life some people might have very annoying traits on the surface but when you see the person they are underneath and if they are able to align with your own values then you can just rest easy. Maybe that's the whole thing about trust too. Once you know you are safe, you can just relax. That is not to say that I don't feel he may not benefit from letting some of the insecurities go, because it is a bit taxing at times to be around someone who constantly wants to prove themselves as the smartest in the room. Heh. I guess I prefer it if people aren't so competitive around their own circle. Because even I'm competitive and it gets hard to not engage. Except you should never ever do that in your own circles. Keep that shit to the outside world where you need to be clear. With close ones there is no point in competing cuz noone wants to be a part of a hierarchy and have someone keep trying to put themselves on top. 

But still, all that is kinda background noise now. I never realised how feminine I can be, in that I tend to manage everyone's emotions at times. I don't know if it's a feminine quality or if it's simply an aftermath of having had to do that for people forever. But what I do know is I want people in life who value me and my feelings and are willing to take that load off from me and actually care about me the way even he does for her. I've seen that and I appreciate it so much. And I guess she sees that too and that's what counts in the end. Outer personas are diff but internally it's the same value system.

And M - the idea of you reading this some day is now making me want to stop writing the comparative analysis I would have. About how you never have come through for me even once etc. as a friend, as a person, as a human. But I will spare you that bluntness. What I will add is this - the quality of a person isn't determined by who they pretend to be, it's determined by their actions alone. Everything else is simply noise. 

In the midst of my granny's illness I asked you for a single favour for my brother and you just shrugged it off. Something that was important to me and well within your reach to have just helped but you didn't. And then you read about it here as I later found out and continued to not offer any help. On your own bday I spent the day just wishing and you didn't even say thanks yet later started saying stuff like... " theres only so much I can do." What have you ever done for me? Other than treat me badly whenever convenient? Is that the only way you feel good about yourself? My narcissist ex also had this habit. He viewed everything that wasn't about him as an inconvenience and played victim whenever someone called him out. 

Yet today you speak to me normally talking about how you played that one tennis shot etc like lol. Even after knowing she died you didn't once say anything just spoke about something generic right after. I would never have done that to you. Or to anyone else tbh. 

I don't know what or how to even compute that to be honest. Why so devoid of empathy? How can everything be about you all the time like even when someone is sad you just want them to speak about you? Hmmm. So it goes and this is the person you choose to be. Dunno why, but blah. 

Well. So it goes. Meh. 

Malik

When I see movies like Malik. A part of me feels humbled at the simplicity and beauty of the narrative and the emotions. Idk. They aren't the most famous,being regional cinema. And yet. Their heart is so extraordinary. 

All my life, I've yearned and tried to remove the lens of society and prejudice... Just so I can try to see the diamonds without the shroud of deception and judgement. And man, the days I'm successful feel so fucking good.

~

M - you ass. If you are reading this, please know that you are now reading the very core of what I feel in whatever small measure. It's stuff I hide from the world cuz it's precious to me because all I'm trying to do is be authentic. But you might be here now and idk I feel vulnerable at the thought of you knowing this bit of me and I want to hide all over again. Ugh. 

Idk how to express my most innermost feels anymore because the idea of someone's lens on me is just idk. I legit don't know. 

Kids from my apartment came to sell me raffle tickets for school, told me I have a nice house with ambient lighting and then tried to upsell me another ticket hahahahha. Omg. Boy kids are the best. So cute. 

My coffee mug fell and shattered and I feel so bad sheesh. Of all the random attachments to have, I had one to my precious pretty mug. One time I lost money in stocks and didn't give a shit but thiiiiis bothers me honestly cuz I loved it. Ugh. Dammit I feel bad lol

10th day ceremony of my granny. Damn man. She really is gone. Weird is death. It's strange that some bother you more than others. But I guess it's about love and familiarity above all else. You only love those you are intertwined with. Hmmm. Well. You don't have too long in life anyway. Whatever anyone says. Just gotta do the best we can with what we have. 

To M

Just noticed you checking up on me again behind my back. Hmmm. Why? 

For the longest time I was so puzzled as to who it was. I even asked you and you didn't say anything. 

It's so odd to me that you would do that, but you can't say hello or offer condolences or anything that's meaningful and just simply pretend like you don't know. You don't always have to frame things as losing face or keeping face na. Or maybe that's how you work idk. 

Reading stuff from a private space where I just wanted to vent and bs without filters is weird. Not just because it gives you access to me I was unaware of till then, but cuz you end up reading things phrased in a way that should not be said directly to someone. I'm sorry if you have felt hurt because of it. Actively reading about all the times you have hurt me, and then not giving a shit and continuing to whenever it suit you is just. Idk. That's just trying to hide behind the veil of ' oh I didn't know' or some such. The way you treated me on your birthday. No thanks for wishing, no gratefulness at all and then that horrible 'sorry I was sleeping ' ' there is only so much I can do' like you are some victim. What have you ever done for me anyway? For you to say that? Like the sheer entitlement and lack of decency there. And then choosing to add me to that private status message group was just so fucked up. I can't even fathom it and if I put myself in your shoes I cannot imagine ever treating someone like that, let alone you. And I want you to know that for good. 

Telling me private life stays private then taking away my privacy deliberately is also not playing fair. Not even bothering to say a single kind thing knowing I'm dealing with the death of someone is just fucked up. Not even a single... how are you doing? Long time... how you been... etc. Not a single attempt to be nice from your own side. Why are you like this? It makes me laugh a lil at the absurdity of it, and I don't hate you for it, but I am very surprised at how relentlessly selfish it comes off as. I just don't get meanness at any level tbh. But when people said things like 'he doesn't care about anyone and he cant fake it'. That stuff just starts ringing true. :( Learning that you knew how hurt I felt from time to time and still chose to let me feel that way is monstrous to me, I won't deny it. Never in a million years would I have done that to you or anyone else. 

And then when I remember all that shit about you being on group chats with andro and his shitty friends and god knows who all, talking to everyone but trying to keep me at bay while simultaneously reading every damn thing I've said and thought for two whole years it's just sickening. The fact that you pick guys like that makes me genuinely convinced at some level that you are not only racist towards me, but also just using me the way you wanted to use asian women to boost Andros ego and told him to do that. Because I guess there's no downside to them or to me, right? You just get to keep me away while getting whatever you want. Okay. This actually does make me feel sick. And makes me wish I'd never known you cuz it's the grossest, most low down thing in the world to subject someone to. Hmmm. If ever let myself think of it, then the ugliness of it and by extension who you must be makes me question why I ever allow myself to talk to you. Noone in the world that I have ever known or chosen to be around has ever been this horrible. Period. What a thing to pick to be superlative at. Ugh. And now I legit don't feel like knowing you all over again yuck. Maybe I should have just blocked you and moved on the minute I felt this way. Cuz if this is true then what part of you is even worth knowing? Genuine question. But it's my fault for repeatedly sticking around. So I won't blame you for this. Choosing people like andro who say the worst things to and about people is who you are and a choice you make, so you must be like him at some level. My fault entirely for trying to believe otherwise. 

And yet, here you are... behind my back. Sad part of all this is that it's not like I'd have been secretive or held something back deliberately.  I get that it's public domain but we were friends and I assumed a certain level of trust with you. It's not like I want to hide anything in the first place. 

Idk man. It's unreal sometimes how all this just comes off as lack of empathy. And I'm tired of these games and manipulations and duplicitous behaviour. I'm neither mad nor suprised, all of this just feels blah and unnecessary and dysfunctional at the end of the day. Especially as the alternative is just being normal and nice which you somehow are stubbornly reluctant to do. Lol. Well, I don't care either way tbh. That's the thing with being unempathetic, eventually people simply stop caring. 

Anyway, I suppose you need that plausible deniability so have at it, I'll never ask you in person about it. And don't worry I'm not judgemental either, just observant perhaps. 

Well, do whatever. 🤷‍♀️

~

Meh. I have a habit of accepting people for who they are so I suppose I accept you too, as I always did. But knowing now that you can access this place and not tell me makes me not want to write anymore, not cuz I feel judged, but because I don't actually want to say something rash that can come off as mean or cold. And the idea of gathering my thoughts in solitude is also now a bit tainted cuz it won't be solitude atleast. 

Also - The nicest and the most accomodating I've been in life to someone is you, not for any other reason except that my instincts just led me to. But in turn the meanest way I've been treated has also been by you, and that math doesn't work. You should really learn to be responsible in the right way and treat people who are good to you with kindness. Atleast strive for bare minimum. 

~

You had access to ten plus years of my life and thoughts and who I am and you hid it. Then you hid some girl. You didn't have to. It's not like I didn't notice all the others you hurt that pop by every six months to ask you if you really care or make some lame jokes about being at your stove. All that pretence about not liking cheaters. It is cheating when you portray one image but are someone completely different. It is cheating to hide women from each other. That's like a basic rulebook of cheaters, just do shitty things and hide and then blame the other person so deflect. And I guess maybe you are one of those too. You hurt me repeatedly and didn't care at all, but kept learning all that behind my back. You should have just told me. I'm assuming you had to badmouth me to that girl to get her to delete those comments and hide her follow of that insta for a while too, like someeehow I'm in the wrong when all along you have been the person spying on me behind my back. Not everyone behaves like you, I would never have done that. Everything in life doesn't need to be some massive conspiracy, and winning someone's trust just to lull them into a false sense of security is idk. Why? Lol. Blah. Do you have NPD? It seems like it at times to be honest. Anyway. 🤷‍♀️ 

Whatever. I'm sure many people before me must have also told you so. This must be nothing new. 

~

Read everything if you want, I'm perfectly fine with it tbh. I don't actually think of you as intrusive or anything, I'm quite comfortable with you and I'm perfectly at ease too. Lol. I guess knowing you can't trust someone and they'll always sell you out is also a form of trust in that you know exactly where you stand.  😅 Hyperbole perhaps, but still. Oopsies.That's the thing about narcissists, they are all the exact same way so there are never any surprises. If they are nice, means they need something. If they blame you for something, it's usually to deflect responsibility.

Cheers. 

And I plan on being happy and doing things that make me happy from now, so in all honesty all this is just 🤷‍♀️ for me. Writing it off as you live, you learn. I don't care enough to be mean to anyone or carry forward any bad blood tbh. So whatevvvvsss. Idc. You do whatever you please. Life should be easy and fun and happy and Imma not stress all this again. 

This is kinda funny too low key haha. You're an ass dude. Like a total ass. Here's hoping the more severe things I think of you are atleast not as bad in reality as they have been in my imagination. And hopefully not a lot worse. Hehe. Who knows with people? 

Now shoo. Plus hey, now you don't have to fear icky convos I know they scare you lots. So I guess we shall not address this ever and by now the shock of reading this must have worn off as well so once again, cheers! 

Clink. 

I don't consider Sanderson a good author but he is very knowledgeable about the craft. Lectures are so pleasant. But mistborn is turning out to be a snoozefest. 😞 I mean it's not bad but it is pretty predictable. Hmmm. What am I missing?

Well. It's been a quiet weekend since I got back. Kind of just spent time with friends here and there. Feels normalish and yet as if something in me has changed a little. Oh well. That's life.