Whew she is doing better. That's so nice I'm so happy. Hope she gets discharged soon. It just feels nice to sense some relief. Looked so cute when I spoke to her on video today haha. Lost a couple of teeth but is smiling lots. V nice man. 

Zomg in the midst of all this Di is texting some bs and saying she doesn't see the point in living as some casual quip. 💀💀💀💀 

Sometimes I honestly feel like just scolding her. I haven't told her about my family stuff and don't feel like it either. But seriously. She has a good career, a house on the beach, dogs, a husband that's loving and supportive and still saying this shit. Was telling M also about it and even she was like bruh. Maybe she should have just found someone like her ex if she wanted to marry instead of sulking now as if she settled for someone while acting nice on the surface it's just sooooooo ungrateful. People can be so cavalier at times. Such a disgrace, truly.

Hmmm spoke to Mum again also. Not looking good. Oh man. Feels so unsettling. It'll fall on me to be level headed and calm when I reach there. No matter what. I remember when grandad also passed away. 2014. I had to take mom and bro from here and book flights that then got cancelled and book cabs from Mumbai etc. I was internally scared but outwardly I had to keep calm and make sure the journey is smooth and that she feels comfortable and I can make her reach her house without any issues. Fuck. Now I have to do it all over again. Duties of being the eldest daughter, but one that I understand I have to perform to the best of my abilities. 

I don't want to think about it for now... Best to keep calm as much as I can. 

God bless. All of us. All the people I love whether they have done right by me or wrong by me, at the end of the day I love you all and love you lots and I hope to see you safe and happy and I will do my best from my end to add that love to your lives. I promise. 

I said thanks to this fellow. And as I was doing it I realised deeply that the one thing and quite possibly the only thing I've been looking for so far is a moment of safety that helps me just relax and trust him. Strange huh? I have never actually looked for that before with someone so idk why particularly with him I feel like I need it. Probably the lack of transparency. I guess because I recognise my own tendency to be very loyal as a friend and a person and how once I decide fully that I want a person in my life I tend to ensure they have access to whatever positives I can bring in their life. And I don't want to give that away to someone who potentially won't treat me right. That's why I suppose I even thought it's time we feel familiar and speak etc so that it's normal and then all these random fears will disappear and a normal equation will stay. Lol. But knowing that he is hiding that woman and idk if she is his wife or gf or something and he wants to avoid knowing me because of her etc it's a bit too gross for me. I don't want to interfere in all this anyway. So idk. I guess this lack of transparency feels too cheaty and that's simply not something I wanna deal with. No point in giving benefit of doubt here. Plus he is entitled to his privacy too. And maybe I should not have told him that guy dmed me or something. Lol. But whatever I don't want to be duplicitous, I've never hidden these things, I hate it. Such a random follow it was on my part tbh, insta recoes an owl, I like it thinking more cute owls and boom. So much random shit behind the scenes lmao. Very childish too. But still, people are entitled to be childish. I will not interfere in this, but I suppose it also means I don't trust him. Lack of trust is alwaaaays a silent killer, no two ways about it. If I think about it... All of this since Jan would have actually just been prevented if he had straight up chosen to trust me. Every little bit of fighting and feeling bad and allllll that bs simply stems from that simple hello thing. Should have just realised from the start that I'm actually good and honest and none of this would have then become like a power struggle of sorts. And now I'm the one who doesn't trust him lmao. Poetic. Anyway, things should not be so heavy all the time. I've also thought too many harsh things about him and that's not right on my part either. I should not feel or think the worst of someone. That's really not okay for me to do. Plus he also hates conflict seems like and prefers to have things happy and problem free. So I should not dump on him out of the blue and blindside either. So let me atleast correct that from my side cuz it's unfair the way I've handled certain things. I want him to be accountable but I will not shirk accountability on my end also. 

Oh well. And so it goes. 

~

Anyway, now it's time to focus on family also. All said and done I have to be there for mom the rest is what it is. 

Grandma back in the ICU. Hmmm. I guess maybe it isn't looking good. Dammit. Okay dunno what to say. 

Ugh. Had to meet someone cuz didn't feel like saying no to folks at this time. Wish I had though. Haha. The weird shit I find myself in at times. 

It was nice that he asked about me in general and was sweet to me though. I think that's all my take away is today. I just genuinely miss being treated well that's all. To a point where even simple basic things are seeming great. 

Yeah... I think I need to ensure for good that I'm never used or taken advantage of without the other person being good to me in return as well. This is something I will not enable ever again. 

Anyway blah. All my anger, negativity everything has kinda just melted away and gone. I feel happy and relieved mostly. It's good. Just going to ensure I make nicer choices and in general keep myself safe and protected henceforth. I owe myself kindness too and I'll try to ensure that from now. Peace. Hehe.✌️ 

The amount of research I have done for this book is good. It's slow but I think the entire plot is formulating. Shit. I feel kinda good about this. 

Sometimes these odd things I notice just make me smile. Yesterday I popped by Thibault's work stream and someone asked him what video game he plays in his free time. And I asked in mock horror do you not play chess in your free time? Lol. And he goes yes. And since yesterday and today all day I see he is playing chess lmao. Haha. Such a random thing but it kinda made me laugh also. Men all over the world will be men only. Haha. It's oddly sweet to observe. 

Hmmm. Next week I'll go. Whew. Mentally prepping for it now lol. Fuck man. Sometimes just want to stay so far away from extended family that the idea of going there irritates me. It's weird when you have never had any connect with anyone and suddenly you are meant to simply go and show your face and be there. I find it very disingenuous somehow. Still, gotta do it for mom. I suppose that is genuine and I can feel authentic about it. I am not at all predisposed to faking stuff, life would be easier if I had that duplicitous nature lol. Perks of everything. 

Whew. Juuuust whew. Just taking a moment to breathe. 

Hmmm. Idk if granny is gonna get better. Will go to visit. Man. It'll be so tough to deal. It's been a rough time. 

When people get older and you start losing them it's like a light just goes off in your head. And suddenly I'm so much more aware of the world and how important it is to keep everyone close and how you should let go of petty stuff. I was never really petty but now a part of me is a bit afraid? Hmmm. Idk. I think it's just a bit of awareness. Well, hope for the best. Life does have a lot of stages and one should simply do the best we can. 

I said hello to this one also. Just wanted to say take care etc. Then said bye and I think he also panicked and started that game stuff. Then had to mock scold him also. I can't deal with him melting down on top of all this. He should just decide what he wants man.  Life should have been simple from the start here. All he had to do is just say hey what's up and call and talk and be normal. Not all these tantrums and such. Anyway a guy hiding a woman is simply weird. I can't. And yet I do feel he wants me around too so idk what stops him from just being nice and saying hi once in a while on his own and just talking normally. Strange person, truly.

Okay I don't have room for this, family comes first. Ok. Not going to think of what's not necessary rn. Have to schedule travel and mentally prep to be around the extended family also. Hmmm. Always a joy huh? Lol.

Fuck. This year has legit been really heavy. But it's helping me understand very innately how important it is to be clear, and to create a life for yourself that's surrounded by supportive people. Honestly. Knowing granny is sick, dad is always away at his job, never takes any responsibility of family in any meaningful way. It's just so sad. And sad to see my mom also having to feel hurt over his actions.

Damn dude. I'm actually genuinely getting very grounded and lacking in flippancy the more I'm seeing all this. I want my life to be bountiful in a sense. And I think it's time to make those adult decisions. 

Shit. Granny is hospitalised. In the ICU. Fuck. Oh man. This year has been fucking terrible. 

Ehhh. That owl dude randomly responded to some story. Told M guess that's the least I can do. Better to tell even if it's a tiny thing. If he has to go to some deep end to hide shit from me then might as well tell him so he can do whatever. Probably badmouth me to them so make them stay away. Whatever. Do whatever you want, make me some villian, paint me as some sketch person whatever... 🤷‍♀️. I'm not the one getting guys to hide the fact that they know me like this. Would never even have thought of doing something so shitty tbh. All cheater type behaviour honestly. Damn P. Don't let yourself adapt to such behaviour that you completely lose sight of what constitutes niceness man. Honestly. When I actually think about it then yes. I would simply never have spent time talking to someone I felt the need to hide stuff from this way, or have gotten some dude to hide his presence in my life over an Instagram dude like. Wow. Lol. I've never played the mistress in anyone's life why tf would I be cast in that role now like bruh why even. Lol. I don't have a precedent for this. I've never actually known anyone behave this way. But whatever. It's best to stay away. This is completely not worth it. And all of it is just wrong. Straight up. Trying to turn me into the enemy one minute and hiding stuff then also wanting me to be around to ask how are you and how do you feel etc it's just wrong. It's like he just wants to use me and at the same time act as if I'm some enemy the minute something personal is there. Half the folks around keep taking about him and his parents etc and that to him is fine but someeeehow I'm the enemy but I must also aquiesce to some role he defines where I cater to him AND he never has to ask about me or show me importance because ofcourse I must not feel like I am. Just need to be a slave that never complains but always caters. And if I respond to stories or bullet etc then he gets to pretend to keep that fragile ego intact by saying look look I didn't go to her, she came to me.  

~

Whatever. I think I'm done here and I don't think anything here is worth it tbh. It's just. I mean I kinda wanna laugh at how useless it all is. 

And I am sorry though. I actually do feel sorry for him because... Idk at the end of the day if you really have to feel sooooo protective about yourself that you feel like someone is snatching something from you the minute they know you is... Idk man. I hope you find some peace I guess...not everyone is bad. I wasn't. I actually simply cared about you for you. Lol. It was just that simple. Not the guy you pretend to be, not the person who feels like he needs to look like he is the best at everything but rather for the goofy person who enjoys good music and can be funny and sweet. But I guess that person maybe exists more in my imagination than in reality it seems like. Hmmm. 

~

I think it's best to find people my values align with naturally. This isn't it.

Yep. 

I am just donezies here. I don't like complications and I'd rather be around people who show me a warm welcome the way I do for them. 

Heh. It took someone treating me like crap to make me finally realise that I simply want better. And now that I know it for good, I cannot undo it. I suppose since I'm not going to be making an effort, he wouldn't know what to do either. Lol, what a kryptonite it is for him, just such a simple thing. Like his entire being will shatter at the thought of just admitting a person is valueable to him. Well, I'm sorry for whatever happened in your life that you are this way even now. 

~

Haha. Fuck dude. Just get soooo stuck in this rut at times where the outrage at being betrayed just outweighs everything. Heh. 

I just feel so bad to be treated in such an uncaring way to be honest. Like how is it so hard to just be like hey what s up how are you doing? It's such simple things and he can't even do that much how monstrous it feels at times. Lol. Sucks. 

~

Imma just eat my peanuts in peace and listen to music lol. Chill scenes.

Dammit

This fuuuucking song. 

Tearing me up

Baby, may I twirl you tonight? 

~

"You're a joker and I'm a fool" ~ tearing me uppp

Boogie boogie pookie. 

Unlike the murakami I loathe, Juuust wanna dance, dance, dance, dance, dance.

Saw some clips of a kid being v happy to get a toy, and then read this comment and it reminded me of my own childhood.

I was never someone who asked for anything. No toys, nothing. Even my most basic memories still are of just wanting to climb trees, and hang out with friends and such. 

But that one 'happy bday' Barbie in her pink gown that I had seen in a shop while I was with my mom. I must have been 6/7 yos at the time. It was the only time I actually wanted something. And I didn't ask for it. My mom used to dump all her adult issues and such on me when I was a kid and once she told me she didn't have much money to spend so consequently my tiny mind told me I should not ask for anything. Something that just became ingrained in me to a point that I don't think I've ever asked anyone for anything and always preferred to be the one that provides if I can. All my life I've been that way. That doll is the one thing that I remember as being a thing I wanted and still didn't ask for, out of consideration to my mum. Heh. But I have a transparent face and it must have showed that I loved it and my mum bought it for me anyway. Kept it for years. Gave it a haircut only to realise that dolls don't have hair like people and therefore she had a bald patch for fucking foreverrrr lmao. My brother grew up different. He didn't have qualms about spending money and getting what he wanted. Ironically now that he is an actual millionaire, he is more conservative with his choices and isn't blowing money on sports cars or such lol. Those were the dreams of all kids, atleast  the boys. Funny how we all grow up. 

This is one of my core memories, one that in some sense is so fundamental to me as a person. I simply don't ask people for stuff. Part of it, I'm trying to change. Because I don't think I should be the one to do everything for someone. If there's one thing I've learnt over the last two years... It's that I need to value the right sort of behaviour. And that's something I'm going to keep in mind going forward. 

 

Life should be lead simply and well. I must have had to remind myself of this a lot more than I needed to before hehe. Well, it's okay. Let's just look forward to building something nice. Whatever hurt and sadness I've felt, I'm gonna let it go now. I reread the thing I wrote and it was so filled with negativity man. From the sreya thing to all else actually... just... lol. I don't think I've actually had so much negativity towards someone before and it's not good. I realise it stems from me feeling like I've been used and done wrong by, and I have. I think it's by far the shittiest way I've ever been treated in my life. But if statements like... 'He is a like a sociopath, doesn't care about people can't fake it, and is like a Trump supporter ideologically' are starting to seem real then it's time to get some distance and reassess. 

It was cruel the way he treated me. Cruel to dismiss my feelings and cruel to say that sorry I was sleeping line on top of it. It does show zero care and concern. 

All in all, I'm not dealing with all this or catering to any manipulations. Learn to treat people well. Or don't. But it honestly just sucks to see someone have all the bad qualities of andro and none of the good ones of andro that atleast temper it. He atleast is a caring soul. Never thought a day would come where I would esteem even him higher than someone but wow. It's all sooooo childish and lame tbh. Even getting Sreya to delete her comments and follow of that insta like really? Lmao. How sad that he needs to do all this. And the worst thing I realised there was that he didn't follow her until then so must be hiding it same as he doesn't with me. Might be some weird pattern of behavior. So shady yo. 

Anyway, blah. I'm not cut out for duplicity like this nor am I catering to it or any manipulations. If it's honestly so hard for him to have normal conversations then only a therapist can help him here cuz these are not issues I can help with. Not making room for shady behaviour anymore. If he can level up, great. If he can't, then fine. Idc. 

Gonna keep my boundaries a lot tighter, and just stick to my own ethos. Fuck everything else. 

~

Heh. Sad part is I think I'm this angry and annoyed cuz I genuinely did care about that asshole. And it's just... it suuuucks to realise that he might be worse than andro like come onnnn you can't really behave so poorly that even that guy clears you by a wide margin. Yuck. 

Well, I guess if the anger goes away it'll just mean that I don't give a shit also. So gotta wait till then maybe, once I'm indifferent completely, none of this will matter. How tragic that I have to wait for that. Lol. Just holding out for some far chance that I'm wrong and he isn't like those guys but seriously who knows anymore. 

To peruse: Alekhine

https://matthewsadler.me.uk/lessons-from-the-masters/analysing-alekhine/

Omg. His website is such a goldmine. I'm so glad I came across him, I really am. Heh. I was losing faith in almost all chess folks but here is a man after my own heart tbh. Interested in knowledge and how things work and not looking to be petty or mean lol. I never realised I'd have to actually define that out loud, but here we are. 

Sometimes when you feel jaded with the world, it's nice to know there are souls out there who live their lives in an honorable way. It means a lot to me, and lately even more I guess. 

Only in the darkness do you appreciate light I suppose. How dramatic of me, eh? :D Well, a more tempered articulation might be nicer... Let me see... A dusty room needs a broom? Idk...something. Buuut... I digress.

"As soon as I sit down at the board, all those old competitive feelings flood back and the bad games hurt just as much as they did before!"

Heh. Yeah. This is so true. I never found chess as a kid and I'm glad I didn't tbh. I cannot imagine how much it would consume me. Or simply destroy me. Plus there's a lot more to life which people should experience, I've firmly believed that. Esp when you are young. You don't want to be old and one day realise all you did was play a game. I don't think it's bad, but when I see a lot of these chess guys it just makes me sad cuz it feels like all they can value is some hypothetical rating and I mean... Hmmm. I think none of them reach a tempered view of things. To understand that a thing can be important without your entire self worth hinging on it. 

When I first started playing it was simply cuz I was using it as a tool to get rid of my fear of failure. A fear that had controlled my life for as long as I could remember. Vestiges of an insane upbringing that was so achievement focused. But maybe it wasn't even that...sometimes I think so much of my inner world was completely neglected in favour of things I could do... that somewhere I felt like not being good at something is the end of the world. Holy fuck dude. And it was so tough to battle that to be honest. Took 20k bullet games to temper it. Which is not to say that losses don't hurt they fucking do. Part of why I don't play rapid cuz I haaaate it still fuck. Just that one mistake you make and you want to throw everything at the wall, turn up the table and cry, vent, whine all cuz you can't turn back time and stop yourself from making that mistake. Why can't you turn back time? Ugh. 

And it's true. I don't play rapid cuz it's so stressful. I hate to lose, I hate making mistakes and I know I have to battle this soon enough but by godsss I don't want to lmfao. 

The beauty of chess to me lies in not just sequences that are harmonious, it's the precision of the game that makes me wet. I think it's the same reason I like intricate art, geometric art and MC Escher. Every line has to be just so, every perspective just right, every shade, colour, texture has to be precise. And spill a tiny drop of ink and that perfection is ruined. 

But then again, it's just a perspective and it need not be absolute. That's something I learnt quite late in life. There should not be absolutes, cuz you never know enough. Quaint. 

Voyeur voyeur you's a liar

How about if I just say fuck it?

It's so simple really. Just fuck it. Idgaf. 

~

Croon to me: Tearing me up

~

Do I even care anymore? Are you significant? Were you ever? Or do you simply mean nothing at all? 

 🤷‍♀️

Your guess is as good as mine. 

Meh.

~

Bob Moses: Afterglow

Whew. Sometimes it's a relief to get away from everything and it helps just see things clearly and feel refreshed. Heh. The incessant rain has been oddly nice too, usually I dislike the rains. 

I wish I was at some resort or something, it might have been fun to be at some leafy green place and have this rain pour outside. 

Heh. 

Well, cheers to warmth, happiness, and shortbread biscuits zomg my new love ♥️

2024 Olympics

 

"The man who would not be denied."

From the moment my friend said he would get silver, to alllll those haters and naysayers who wanted to write him off. For once, I found myself rooting for yet another man considered an underdog at RG so many years later. Like every fucking point, just could noooot let go of the idea of him winning. Fuck. And then he fucking did. 

~

Heart of a fucking champion, and the skills of a god. 

Fuuuuuck. Gooooood night. 

 Cozy sweaters have my heart ♥️