Day 12 - Things you want to say to an ex

The answer to this might vary in the future, given the conversations we end up having, but right now these are few things I'd like to say to him now:

1. You kept me confused and second guessing for almost the entire time that I knew you. I think I did the same to you. And I'd like to apologise for that. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I cared too much. I couldn't come to terms with how much would be at stake for me if I were to admit that. So I'm sorry for all the times I acted like you meant nothing to me. You meant the world. :) 

2. Your presence taught me a lot about love, life and myself.  Even though the situations were conflicting at most times, the end result was that I could see plainly all the areas where I lacked and a lot of my baggage got cleared because of it. Thank you. 

3. Some songs kind of lost their meaning for me, ever since I got over you. That kinda sucks. :D I listen to only happy stuff now.

4. I am glad you are with someone you like. I don't mean that in some altruistic sense, nor was getting here very easy for me. It took me a good three years to be able to feel that. But I am genuinely happy for you now, and I hope you are happy too!

5. I hope that once we are far enough away from the drama, there will come a day when we can laugh about all this and marvel at our silliness. Be able to talk about all this freely, you know?  I feel like as time goes by, all the hurt and stupidity will just fade into the background and we would be free to just be. I look forward to that!

Day 11 - Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is

Single life, for me, is quite an unexpected surprise. 

This is the first time in years that I have been truly single. Without any feeling towards anyone whatsoever. And it's actually been good. I hadn't realised earlier on just how much mind space a relationship or even liking someone takes. Somehow, all that used to be primary and every other aspect of life became secondary.

I quite like the place I am in right now. Being single has helped me become a bit better and definitely more well versed in things. I actually have a bunch of interests that keep me engaged. Like learning German, taking up some courses in Buddhism, being able to write etc. I'd have never done any of this if a boy was around! 

It's also given me a good perspective on relationships. Like earlier I was prone to being too involved and completely unable to see the larger picture. But I'm much better now. And I have learnt how to let go. And to walk away from relationships where I don't see an end goal. That used to be very hard earlier. 

Surprisingly, I have become very very selective. I seem to avoid dates and all now.  Like the last date I had, I made excuses around 9.30 and left. Just to come home and watch friends! All because a voice in my head said... Eh waste of time this is! 

Lulz.

So yeah, being single has been pretty good so far. I quite like knowing that the next time I meet someone, it will be without any bullshit, and it will be a good way to start a relationship, not a rebound or escape route. :)

Day 10 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

On Drugs:

I have a fear of most drugs and I am fairly certain I wouldn't do any of them, especially the hallucinogens. Losing control of my senses has never had any appeal to me. I'm afraid I'd do something stupid and silly and that's not a cat I want out of the bag. I have known people who have been coke heads and have done heroine and it's ugly. The instability, the loss of reasoning power, it's just terrible. I have seen them show streaks of violence and I am dead sure that life around addicts would be very painful. 

However, there is one drug I am curious about:  DMT. And I would do it the minute I get my hands on it. Unlike hallucinogens and other stuff, DMT has very specific results and is touted as a gateway to an alternate reality. And that is something I am very very curious about.

Other than that, only weed and hash are what I am comfortable with. :)

Alcohol:

Just say no. :)

When I first started drinking I felt like I was embracing freedom and adulthood in equal measure and the ride was very thrilling. But then slowly, I realised that alcohol can be a slippery slope. I slowly recognised a pattern of behaviour that started emerging when I was drinking and I started to hate who I was becoming when I was on it.

Somewhere around 2011 I quit drinking the hard stuff for good. This was after a very very terrible call I had where I said a lot of nonsense. Vulnerability coupled with confusion and sadness just made me vomit out words that no sane person should say. I felt very disgusted and decided on the spot to quit, which I did.

A few years later, the same friend showed up blind drunk to my house and insisted we go for a drive and for some reason I said yes. That was the most terrified I have ever been in a car. I thought I was going to die and at every turn I was scared we would crash into something. Plus my friend seemed very unstable that night. He tried to fight when I suggested we spend time on my terrace instead and I felt like I had to keep him calm otherwise things would get ugly. I was also afraid to leave him alone when he was so high, he is extremely reckless and I wouldn't have ever forgiven myself if something ended up happening to him that night.

So yeah, bad decisions all around due to alcohol!

I guess quitting social drinking isn't exactly possible in our friend circles, so instead I make sure I either drink dilute cocktails or beer or just order mock tails when no one is looking :) 

Day 9 - Your last kiss

Does a peck on the cheek count? If it does, then I got my cheeks pecked a couple days ago at my friend's reception. 

This guy I'm kinda sorta close to, happened to be there and greeted me like he always does. Big hug and a looooud kiss.

And if a peck doesn't count, then the last was with this boy I must not name. It was awesome. We were talking and chilling and somewhere down the line we were making out.

I absolutely love kissing him. He has lovely soft lips and a nice slow way of getting into the kiss. 

Whenever my neurotic side comes out, he just wraps me in his arms and kisses and teases me until I calm down. I love the affection between us, it's so easy and it makes me gush for hours afterwards. And I like that he never lets go while he is annoying me, I think it pleases him to see me half annoyed and half amused and always uncertain whether to hold on or let go. :)

Day 8 - Something you are currently worrying about

I'm worrying about where my life is headed. Ashte.:D 

Day 7 - My opinion on cheating

In the ideal world, I would say cheating sucks. But in the ideal world, you also only find love once, you know it's The One and it's meant to be forever. Which goes to say that basically there is no desire to cheat in itself. 

But realistically speaking, I feel that cheating is a by product of a whole bunch of things. Not being happy in your current equation, not being completely committed, not being over an ex or simply not having the best sex with the person you are with.

I feel that as we grow older, we compromise a whole lot. This permeates our relationships to a point that a lot of times we settle for folks because we feel maybe this would be the wisest choice. And as time goes on, we tend to stray. 

Also, there are times when we just outgrow a relationship. But due to societal/ personal pressure we stay in it. Cheating helps fill that void which time leaves.

For me, the only time I have come close to cheating, is when I badly wanted to leave a relationship and even then I made sure I broke up with him before I went out with someone else. It happened when me and V were on the fringe of a breakup. He basically ghosted me all summer while interning and had the audacity to come back to put me in the role of his gf. I was super sad, and felt very low. So it felt amazing when someone else was willing to give me all that I wanted. I guess it was a mix of reassurance and validity that I found and so I wanted to go along with it and hook up with someone else. I know that's not totally normal, but sometimes a good external reason helps when a good internal reason is not acceptable. 

I've also had a guy cheat on his gf with me. I could never really understand his motivations. Or how he kept her a secret for almost a year of knowing me and hanging out with me 3 nights a week. Maybe he too was unhappy with her. But I am not sure, since he ended up marrying her as well. 

I cannot imagine having to deal with the pain and confusion of someone you actually love cheating on you. I sincerely hope I don't have to find this one thing out firsthand 

Day 6 - The person you like and why you like them

Like? Or Like-Like?
As I am not sure, I am going to assume it's the former.

I like my new friend M, since she is fun, a bit irresponsible and fairly grown up. M has too many adorable traits. I like that she is tiny, like a little grinning imp that's up for cheap jokes and silly innuendos. She seems fairly honest and up front. When she is upset, I can see her slow decline into insanity. And she will Make You Deal with it as well, only to laugh later on.

On a deeper level, I like that despite being a rich kid, she is very down to earth and treats everyone with respect. It's one of her best qualities. She is also easy going and we can sit and talk and laugh for hours together! I actually miss her if she comes to office late coz then I have no one to trouble.

I also like that she is fairly sorted in her head. Her reasoning for things she says and does is quite spot on. It's a refreshing change from the type of people I was used to. 

So yeah,  I find her quite entertaining and fun, and am glad I got a chance to get to know her.

Day 5 - 5 things that irritate me about the opposite sex/same sex

1. Hypocrisy. 

I mean, I can kinda sorta make do with the type where the person is unaware of it and it's for some really stupid things. But I hate the type where you sit around in judgment of others and stigmatise certain acts like sex, dating, life choices etc.

2. Not answering messages on time.

Like come on, I know you read it. Wtf just answer it. Don't wait 3-4 days to get back to me. *eyeroll*

3. Not being direct.

I am a literal person, I cannot deal with hints and innuendos and sly sliding away tactics. Urgh. Come to the point please people. 

4. Fighting dirty and holding grudges.

I dislike it when someone brings up some random thing from the past into a fight in the present. I also hate irrational temper tantrums and people who keep a ledger full of others' mistakes. Like learn to let go and move on! 

5. Being petty and mean.

I find meanness and pettiness to be traits of the unevolved. Like I feel these people would follow Kim Kardashian on Instagram, bitch about their friends, and be generally unpleasant to be around. People who pick on others and act superior should slip on a banana peel everyday. Just because.

Day 4 - What I wear to bed

Such an intimate question! What I wear to bed is mostly reflective of the mood I am in or the mood I am trying to set. ( Ey ey )

I have a special love for mismatched clothing that are well past their glory days. They serve as my adult comfort blanket. For eg a slightly torn yellow something with whatever pants or shorts have been washed the day before. Mostly, this particular item lets me walk around bra-less at home and no one can tell. 

On days when I do not want to look like shit, I go for a fancy lacey racer back with Jammies to match. I carry them around when I travel also, so as not to be judged as a slob by others. Plus airport security tends to open my luggage at times, looking for lighters. And it is VERY embarrassing when then whole world sees ugly clothes inside.

I am quite fond of flimsy clothing as well, they make for really comfy sleepwear!

Day 3 - What kind of person attracts you?

Hmmm, I think this just might be a long one. :)

People in general fascinate me, so there are a lot of different sorts I get attracted to. I like quiet, shy, clever people, who have a bit of mischief up their sleeve. Shy people always make me wonder why they are so shy, what they are hiding, what makes them tick and lastly, how long before they share that with me. I find the inner worlds of the quiet ones to be so deep, and I can't help but stick around until I am a part of it.

I also like slightly childish and righteous ones. They are too precious. I love seeing them get all outraged at perceived wrongs and I like the steadfastness underneath all that innocence. It makes me feel comfortable and the instinctive trust that you feel around such people is very hard to replicate in others. I feel quite protectively towards them as well, so the equation becomes a bit caretaker-ish in the end.

There is also something quite enticing about brooding, intense people. The conversations are much deeper, and everything has that hazy, seductive edge to it. It's quite magnetic, and time spent with them makes me feel very earthy and slow and purposeful. 

And then there are the ones that can banter really well. I mean, fuck. There is nothing as attractive and awesome as a good banter session. I find that immensely stimulating. I also tend to fall for ones who beat me at this game. I love love love to know that such cleverness and mischief can exist in one person. Given a choice, no matter how flighty they seem, I end up gravitating towards them on pure instinct. 

So yeah, basically I am a sucker for a whole lot of personality types. I have a theory that it's because this way I get to explore different sides of me, I can be so many different people, and feel so many different emotions! :)

Day 2 - How have you changed in the past two years?

This one is a bit tough. The most obvious change I can sense is that I have become good at prioritizing myself above the other people in my life. I know that sounds selfish, but earlier it seemed like I was like a doormat emotionally, and I didn't like that feeling. I made me unhappy back then.
At this point, I am sure I can survive by myself if I need to, and that's a very liberating feeling. 
Another thing that I worked towards was taking responsibility for my own life - which includes being responsible for any personal or professional highs/lows and overall acceptance that most things in life are the way they are, because of things I have and haven't done.

Other than that, I don't feel like some very significant change has happened. So this will have to do for now.

Diary Posting Challenge - Day 1

Doing this with L, starting today. The point is to be honest in these answers as well. So I'm gonna try my best. 

Topic: 

Weird things I do when I am alone.

I have to think a lot about this one, coz most things I do seem normal to me.

But I'll take a shot at it:

1.Pretend I am a singer and sing along to a bunch of songs like I have an audience of 30000.

This is definitely my favourite activity. In fact, I'd totally have chosen singing as a profession, if I had a good voice. :)  I remember doing this as a kid also, listening to Britney Spears and pretending to be her. 

2.Sleep/Lounge around in just a T-shirt / skimpy dress / minimal attire or forgo clothes entirely. Lingerie is a no no. 

I'm guessing this is a pretty common occurrence. Deep down, I sincerely believe, we are all nudists.

3.Read People Magazine until I drown in guilt about the wasted time / intellectual void I have fallen into.

Like I just soak up information about all the random goss that's flying about. 

4.Watch some terrible chick flick and cry during the emo bits.

Well, it needn't be a chick flick necessarily. I can pretty much weep in any movie. Probably one of the reasons I prefer watching superhero flicks at theaters. Noone will catch me weeping there.

5. Weave weird story bits/wishful thoughts together. For eg: What if I were a character in some anime, or travelling through space, or in the past. Endless possibilities and wishes.