From loving that lil kid's joy in that vid to knowing he just assaulted a woman. Wtf man. It actually just hurts. Am I being silly over something? Idk. Weird. I wanted to preserve that memory always inside a lil cocoon but then the stupid world has to show it's ugly side and yet. I guess fairy tales need not exist and that's okay. But what's bothering me here? Hmmmm. 

It's just knowing that someone that small and happy on that one day in the middle of a random game whose squeals made me adore the entire thing, a thing I would not have been aware of had I not chanced upon it soooo utterly randomly...like so many things had to align the way they did for me to see that and it was such a spontaneously happy reaction for me and now all I can imagine is some horrified teen having to deal with cops and what not and he probably is more afraid of what awaits him at home more than anything else. You know. Fuck his parents if they caused him this much stress. Fuck parents everywhere who are relentless in their desire to live out their dreams through their kids and fuck them for driving and abusing kids to this extent honestly. 

Hmmm. 

I hope that kid finds his way. I legit do. Nothing in life is so shattered that you can't fix it and I hope he can do so and just learn and do better. A kid is a kid at the end of the day and I hope he just rebuilds his life from here on out. It's important to learn to be your own support structure at times in life, but you have to. 

If I had one fucking super power, I used to think it'll be something cool like teleportation or flying but now I feel like the one true power would be the ability to sheild all kids from mental and physical harm and help them believe they can build a life they are proud of and happy with. Work hard, believe in yourself, but choose happiness whatever that is.

We live our lives in our heads, more than anything else. Carrying around negativity and bad thoughts is simply like not showering or something. It's just self harm. You are the one that feels the brunt of it the most. Robbing people of peace and happiness is such a crime, you just doom them to a lifetime of evil thoughts. So yeah, if I could... I would choose to shield them from this fate. Moments like the ones he is facing are the times when you need someone solid by your side...if nothing then just to give you hope and conviction that you can turn things around. I hope Yoo can find that in his life somehow. Don't know Yoo but wish the best for Yoo. Lol. Idk why I had to write that heh. 

I also feel weird writing down something honest knowing how childish and naive or silly or whatever it may come across as.  Do I need to worry about being judged? Shall I cloak myself? I know that inner me is very idealistic and that makes me unrealistic at times but idc, you can always keep your own monologues adhering to what you feel is true. But sharing that self with someone else feels weird cuz I've never done it before. 

Nay ✋💀 

Run

Sweat

Music 

Late Night

Sttayyyyyyyyyyaaayyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaayaya

...with me 

Happy place

Blossoms. A city institution that only the OGs care about. 

The oldest used book store where I could spend days and days just browsing with my earphones plugged in. Ugh. The smell of old books, the quiet, the occasional employee walking past... unhurried, and the worlds and years that were contained within each book that made me want to read them all furiously. 

I could never leave without atleast buying 6-7 books and feeling remorse that I couldn't take them all. Fuckkkk. 

Heh. My first time being in a library in my school when I was barely 6-7 that kicked off a lifelong yearning for reading. I've always felt so at home in a library. Dammit. I gotta visit soon. 

 In the midst of all the bs and all the shitty little existential crises that prop their ugly heads up .. the one thing that rears it's head always is the knowledge that at there are some barriers that don't relent. Seeing Nadal today. Makes me wonder. 

Idk man. He has enough laurels to last him a lifetime. And yet he is not happy he is so sad. Unlike djoko. 

Who battled the negativity of every person that loved fedal. And didn't relent. 

Idk. 

In their own way all three have their own bitter sentiments to chew on. For djoko it's many people not unanimously loving him as the goat. For Nadal it's the perpetual number 2 spot that hurts him. And for FedEx it's the number 3 spot that he knows is his except he can't deal with it. He hates djoko. 

Hmmm. 

Funny is life. Maybe it is trying to teach everyone something. 

Legends

Ratan Tata died. What a giant of a man. RIP. 

Nadal retired. 

And Demis Hassabis won the Nobel.

All in 24 hours. 

Dayum. 

Wholesome

Watching some pewds and cinnamontoast ken collabs and while I find them both wholesome, it's also interesting that both their wives reached out to them first and both stayed with them long term building good families. So cool. Esp Ken who is suuuuuch a dad lol. I actually quite like the person he seems to be, there's an innate feeling of home around him haha. That's so nice. Not often that you expect or find that in youtubers tbh, most are just weirdo show offs which I find sooooo repulsive. Nothing gross like people throwing money or sex around I find that so crass and tacky. Lol. The one thing I'll always judge cuz it's always a sign of a lesser mind in my books. Oh well. 

8th Oct

I finally cracked an idea I think would be great if I can execute it well. Just. 

Idk if I'm nervous or excited heh. I just hope I can do it justice and actually also follow through. 

Maaan. 

Dayum. I'm really gonna do this. 

Okay. Nervousness aside, let's try. 

Love

Darlin 

Ugh. 

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. 

Woah oh oh oh
Every night darlin'
Gonna love you every single night, yes i will
'Cause i think you're too doggone outta sight

Heh

Aaand nowww:

Dreams

Idk which I love more. Probably Darlin' cuz fuck slightly sad songs too, that era of life is over asf.

Onwards to only good things and good times and good folks making things bright.  

Support

Something changed in the last couple of weeks about my perception of C. Both he and M were very supportive after I got back and I'm soooo happy and grateful to have them. With some people you don't have to say anything just knowing that they'll be there is comfortable enough. 

We hung out all day over the last weekend and there was this moment where he kind of just opened up about some stuff that made me instantly understand the source of his ego and why he behaves the way he does. And I saw the vulnerable person underneath who isn't actually mean or nasty, just someone who is compelled to be recognised. But more than that I saw what M loves about him. How he is protective of her, nice to her... Like just doing things with her together. And I guess I just felt a sense of as happiness and restfulness here. 

In life some people might have very annoying traits on the surface but when you see the person they are underneath and if they are able to align with your own values then you can just rest easy. Maybe that's the whole thing about trust too. Once you know you are safe, you can just relax. That is not to say that I don't feel he may not benefit from letting some of the insecurities go, because it is a bit taxing at times to be around someone who constantly wants to prove themselves as the smartest in the room. Heh. I guess I prefer it if people aren't so competitive around their own circle. Because even I'm competitive and it gets hard to not engage. Except you should never ever do that in your own circles. Keep that shit to the outside world where you need to be clear. With close ones there is no point in competing cuz noone wants to be a part of a hierarchy and have someone keep trying to put themselves on top. 

But still, all that is kinda background noise now. I never realised how feminine I can be, in that I tend to manage everyone's emotions at times. I don't know if it's a feminine quality or if it's simply an aftermath of having had to do that for people forever. But what I do know is I want people in life who value me and my feelings and are willing to take that load off from me and actually care about me the way even he does for her. I've seen that and I appreciate it so much. And I guess she sees that too and that's what counts in the end. Outer personas are diff but internally it's the same value system.

And M - the idea of you reading this some day is now making me want to stop writing the comparative analysis I would have. About how you never have come through for me even once etc. as a friend, as a person, as a human. But I will spare you that bluntness. What I will add is this - the quality of a person isn't determined by who they pretend to be, it's determined by their actions alone. Everything else is simply noise. 

In the midst of my granny's illness I asked you for a single favour for my brother and you just shrugged it off. Something that was important to me and well within your reach to have just helped but you didn't. And then you read about it here as I later found out and continued to not offer any help. On your own bday I spent the day just wishing and you didn't even say thanks yet later started saying stuff like... " theres only so much I can do." What have you ever done for me? Other than treat me badly whenever convenient? Is that the only way you feel good about yourself? My narcissist ex also had this habit. He viewed everything that wasn't about him as an inconvenience and played victim whenever someone called him out. 

Yet today you speak to me normally talking about how you played that one tennis shot etc like lol. Even after knowing she died you didn't once say anything just spoke about something generic right after. I would never have done that to you. Or to anyone else tbh. 

I don't know what or how to even compute that to be honest. Why so devoid of empathy? How can everything be about you all the time like even when someone is sad you just want them to speak about you? Hmmm. So it goes and this is the person you choose to be. Dunno why, but blah. 

Well. So it goes. Meh. 

Malik

When I see movies like Malik. A part of me feels humbled at the simplicity and beauty of the narrative and the emotions. Idk. They aren't the most famous,being regional cinema. And yet. Their heart is so extraordinary. 

All my life, I've yearned and tried to remove the lens of society and prejudice... Just so I can try to see the diamonds without the shroud of deception and judgement. And man, the days I'm successful feel so fucking good.

~

M - you ass. If you are reading this, please know that you are now reading the very core of what I feel in whatever small measure. It's stuff I hide from the world cuz it's precious to me because all I'm trying to do is be authentic. But you might be here now and idk I feel vulnerable at the thought of you knowing this bit of me and I want to hide all over again. Ugh. 

Idk how to express my most innermost feels anymore because the idea of someone's lens on me is just idk. I legit don't know. 

Kids from my apartment came to sell me raffle tickets for school, told me I have a nice house with ambient lighting and then tried to upsell me another ticket hahahahha. Omg. Boy kids are the best. So cute. 

My coffee mug fell and shattered and I feel so bad sheesh. Of all the random attachments to have, I had one to my precious pretty mug. One time I lost money in stocks and didn't give a shit but thiiiiis bothers me honestly cuz I loved it. Ugh. Dammit I feel bad lol