To M

Just noticed you checking up on me again behind my back. Hmmm. Why? 

For the longest time I was so puzzled as to who it was. I even asked you and you didn't say anything. 

It's so odd to me that you would do that, but you can't say hello or offer condolences or anything that's meaningful and just simply pretend like you don't know. You don't always have to frame things as losing face or keeping face na. Or maybe that's how you work idk. 

Reading stuff from a private space where I just wanted to vent and bs without filters is weird. Not just because it gives you access to me I was unaware of till then, but cuz you end up reading things phrased in a way that should not be said directly to someone. I'm sorry if you have felt hurt because of it. Actively reading about all the times you have hurt me, and then not giving a shit and continuing to whenever it suit you is just. Idk. That's just trying to hide behind the veil of ' oh I didn't know' or some such. The way you treated me on your birthday. No thanks for wishing, no gratefulness at all and then that horrible 'sorry I was sleeping ' ' there is only so much I can do' like you are some victim. What have you ever done for me anyway? For you to say that? Like the sheer entitlement and lack of decency there. And then choosing to add me to that private status message group was just so fucked up. I can't even fathom it and if I put myself in your shoes I cannot imagine ever treating someone like that, let alone you. And I want you to know that for good. 

Telling me private life stays private then taking away my privacy deliberately is also not playing fair. Not even bothering to say a single kind thing knowing I'm dealing with the death of someone is just fucked up. Not even a single... how are you doing? Long time... how you been... etc. Not a single attempt to be nice from your own side. Why are you like this? It makes me laugh a lil at the absurdity of it, and I don't hate you for it, but I am very surprised at how relentlessly selfish it comes off as. I just don't get meanness at any level tbh. But when people said things like 'he doesn't care about anyone and he cant fake it'. That stuff just starts ringing true. :( Learning that you knew how hurt I felt from time to time and still chose to let me feel that way is monstrous to me, I won't deny it. Never in a million years would I have done that to you or anyone else. 

And then when I remember all that shit about you being on group chats with andro and his shitty friends and god knows who all, talking to everyone but trying to keep me at bay while simultaneously reading every damn thing I've said and thought for two whole years it's just sickening. The fact that you pick guys like that makes me genuinely convinced at some level that you are not only racist towards me, but also just using me the way you wanted to use asian women to boost Andros ego and told him to do that. Because I guess there's no downside to them or to me, right? You just get to keep me away while getting whatever you want. Okay. This actually does make me feel sick. And makes me wish I'd never known you cuz it's the grossest, most low down thing in the world to subject someone to. Hmmm. If ever let myself think of it, then the ugliness of it and by extension who you must be makes me question why I ever allow myself to talk to you. Noone in the world that I have ever known or chosen to be around has ever been this horrible. Period. What a thing to pick to be superlative at. Ugh. And now I legit don't feel like knowing you all over again yuck. Maybe I should have just blocked you and moved on the minute I felt this way. Cuz if this is true then what part of you is even worth knowing? Genuine question. But it's my fault for repeatedly sticking around. So I won't blame you for this. Choosing people like andro who say the worst things to and about people is who you are and a choice you make, so you must be like him at some level. My fault entirely for trying to believe otherwise. 

And yet, here you are... behind my back. Sad part of all this is that it's not like I'd have been secretive or held something back deliberately.  I get that it's public domain but we were friends and I assumed a certain level of trust with you. It's not like I want to hide anything in the first place. 

Idk man. It's unreal sometimes how all this just comes off as lack of empathy. And I'm tired of these games and manipulations and duplicitous behaviour. I'm neither mad nor suprised, all of this just feels blah and unnecessary and dysfunctional at the end of the day. Especially as the alternative is just being normal and nice which you somehow are stubbornly reluctant to do. Lol. Well, I don't care either way tbh. That's the thing with being unempathetic, eventually people simply stop caring. 

Anyway, I suppose you need that plausible deniability so have at it, I'll never ask you in person about it. And don't worry I'm not judgemental either, just observant perhaps. 

Well, do whatever. 🤷‍♀️

~

Meh. I have a habit of accepting people for who they are so I suppose I accept you too, as I always did. But knowing now that you can access this place and not tell me makes me not want to write anymore, not cuz I feel judged, but because I don't actually want to say something rash that can come off as mean or cold. And the idea of gathering my thoughts in solitude is also now a bit tainted cuz it won't be solitude atleast. 

Also - The nicest and the most accomodating I've been in life to someone is you, not for any other reason except that my instincts just led me to. But in turn the meanest way I've been treated has also been by you, and that math doesn't work. You should really learn to be responsible in the right way and treat people who are good to you with kindness. Atleast strive for bare minimum. 

~

You had access to ten plus years of my life and thoughts and who I am and you hid it. Then you hid some girl. You didn't have to. It's not like I didn't notice all the others you hurt that pop by every six months to ask you if you really care or make some lame jokes about being at your stove. All that pretence about not liking cheaters. It is cheating when you portray one image but are someone completely different. It is cheating to hide women from each other. That's like a basic rulebook of cheaters, just do shitty things and hide and then blame the other person so deflect. And I guess maybe you are one of those too. You hurt me repeatedly and didn't care at all, but kept learning all that behind my back. You should have just told me. I'm assuming you had to badmouth me to that girl to get her to delete those comments and hide her follow of that insta for a while too, like someeehow I'm in the wrong when all along you have been the person spying on me behind my back. Not everyone behaves like you, I would never have done that. Everything in life doesn't need to be some massive conspiracy, and winning someone's trust just to lull them into a false sense of security is idk. Why? Lol. Blah. Do you have NPD? It seems like it at times to be honest. Anyway. 🤷‍♀️ 

Whatever. I'm sure many people before me must have also told you so. This must be nothing new. 

~

Read everything if you want, I'm perfectly fine with it tbh. I don't actually think of you as intrusive or anything, I'm quite comfortable with you and I'm perfectly at ease too. Lol. I guess knowing you can't trust someone and they'll always sell you out is also a form of trust in that you know exactly where you stand.  😅 Hyperbole perhaps, but still. Oopsies.That's the thing about narcissists, they are all the exact same way so there are never any surprises. If they are nice, means they need something. If they blame you for something, it's usually to deflect responsibility.

Cheers. 

And I plan on being happy and doing things that make me happy from now, so in all honesty all this is just 🤷‍♀️ for me. Writing it off as you live, you learn. I don't care enough to be mean to anyone or carry forward any bad blood tbh. So whatevvvvsss. Idc. You do whatever you please. Life should be easy and fun and happy and Imma not stress all this again. 

This is kinda funny too low key haha. You're an ass dude. Like a total ass. Here's hoping the more severe things I think of you are atleast not as bad in reality as they have been in my imagination. And hopefully not a lot worse. Hehe. Who knows with people? 

Now shoo. Plus hey, now you don't have to fear icky convos I know they scare you lots. So I guess we shall not address this ever and by now the shock of reading this must have worn off as well so once again, cheers! 

Clink.