Just sitting quietly. The sounds of the fan, a hot coffee by my side and an unopened book. A mix of all things that are continuous and comforting in their constancy. Do I seek constancy? In some things in life yes. In others, no. 

I have never felt tethered to anything. Partly due to not wanting to maybe. But I do enjoy my peace and quiet from time to time. A mental getaway that helps you recharge. 

I've been avoiding speaking to Di also. Man, that godawful text she sent me just annoyed me lots. It was so controlling and like giving ultimatums. 'Want to talk, if not I'll take a step back?' like why... Just chill out no. Why is there such a deep need to get someone to do what you want else it's some ultimatum? And why tell that then just do it and keep it to yourself. Fuck. Comes off as batshit crazy. 

I hate that so much. Like why do some people just get soooo pedantic and can't understand if you simply don't feel like talking? Like just take a step back yo. I'm not your bf for you to force me to speak or force me to tell why I'm not speaking bc. Idk. I don't get it. But I just got annoyed. Also cuz I legit didn't want to speak but being forced to confront that is also irritating. Lol. That might be my fault tbh. I guess the idea of facing someone who you know will make things dramatic or very heavy when you don't want that is daunting. Plus. If I'm being honest it's just a series of heavy talks with her like I end up feeling like some emotional support dog. There is no lightness and general camaraderie where you just chill out and have fun and laughter and all those good things, it's just complaining about something or the other and that gets very annoying. Can't even say that out loud cuz it sounds rude. I guess that's my issue here tbh. I didn't wanna talk cuz all I feel like is some sort of a support system for her and rn I just don't have that bandwidth to cater to someone's emotional needs. And I hate those therapy induced lines people give also... ' I understand the need someone has to.. yada yada. No, you don't you just don't understand what giving someone space means cuz you are just controlling. 🙄

By this age people should just understand that they should not just be burdensome man. And I don't get what is so world ending about not having spoken for a bit like big deal. Hadn't even told M my granny passed away cuz she was traveling too and I knew she would understand and she did. 

~

I also kinda came to this realisation that some people simply don't care about you, what you feel etc. They care that they aren't getting what they want from you. Cuz with her it kinda felt like... She is asking when I get back just to see if I reach out. I do, then she waits for a week to pass by to see if I've reached out, if I haven't then it's time to give ultimatum. Nowhere is there any trace of... Hey maybe she isn't doing well or is tired or anything normal and should I offer support or just check in... It's more like... Yeah you aren't listening to me unburden so now I'm just going to be like a ticking clock and when my therapist says enough time has passed I'll give ultimatums cuz it's socially acceptable. Doesn't really care that it's a bad period or that I may have to deal with stuff. It's always just about them and how they feel. Relentlessly so.  AND ITS FUCKING CRAZY TO BE SO CONTROLLING OF SOMEONE LIKE BRUH JUST BE HAPPY AND LIVE LIFE AND LET OTHERS BE HAPPY. PEOPLE WILL WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ON THEIR OWN IF YOU ARE A NORMAL HAPPY PERSON BC. AAAAAA. 

okay whew, got that out of my system. 

~

Lol. Whatever. I can't rn I don't have any space left to say or do anything. Just wanna be quiet, read, workout, drink coffee, play chess and generally stay busy. 

~

Lol. Why tf do I always end up cultivating friendships with controlling women? I just hate how it feels to constantly feel like you gotta be catering to them to make sure they don't subject you to icky talks lol. And I just knuckle under also to keep the peace cuz I just hate confrontations. Bruh. I'm like my dad yo. Just want to run far away in the face of emotional unloading cuz neither of us likes to deal with it. Oh god P. DO BETTER. haha. Don't be such a dick or atleast pick people who are easy going so it doesn't feel stifling then. I'm only to blame for half my people problems. Seriously. 💀

Feel like laughing at what a wuss I am. 😅