10th day ceremony of my granny. Damn man. She really is gone. Weird is death. It's strange that some bother you more than others. But I guess it's about love and familiarity above all else. You only love those you are intertwined with. Hmmm. Well. You don't have too long in life anyway. Whatever anyone says. Just gotta do the best we can with what we have. 

To M

Just noticed you checking up on me again behind my back. Hmmm. Why? 

For the longest time I was so puzzled as to who it was. I even asked you and you didn't say anything. 

It's so odd to me that you would do that, but you can't say hello or offer condolences or anything that's meaningful and just simply pretend like you don't know. You don't always have to frame things as losing face or keeping face na. Or maybe that's how you work idk. 

Reading stuff from a private space where I just wanted to vent and bs without filters is weird. Not just because it gives you access to me I was unaware of till then, but cuz you end up reading things phrased in a way that should not be said directly to someone. I'm sorry if you have felt hurt because of it. Actively reading about all the times you have hurt me, and then not giving a shit and continuing to whenever it suit you is just. Idk. That's just trying to hide behind the veil of ' oh I didn't know' or some such. The way you treated me on your birthday. No thanks for wishing, no gratefulness at all and then that horrible 'sorry I was sleeping ' ' there is only so much I can do' like you are some victim. What have you ever done for me anyway? For you to say that? Like the sheer entitlement and lack of decency there. And then choosing to add me to that private status message group was just so fucked up. I can't even fathom it and if I put myself in your shoes I cannot imagine ever treating someone like that, let alone you. And I want you to know that for good. 

Telling me private life stays private then taking away my privacy deliberately is also not playing fair. Not even bothering to say a single kind thing knowing I'm dealing with the death of someone is just fucked up. Not even a single... how are you doing? Long time... how you been... etc. Not a single attempt to be nice from your own side. Why are you like this? It makes me laugh a lil at the absurdity of it, and I don't hate you for it, but I am very surprised at how relentlessly selfish it comes off as. I just don't get meanness at any level tbh. But when people said things like 'he doesn't care about anyone and he cant fake it'. That stuff just starts ringing true. :( Learning that you knew how hurt I felt from time to time and still chose to let me feel that way is monstrous to me, I won't deny it. Never in a million years would I have done that to you or anyone else. 

And then when I remember all that shit about you being on group chats with andro and his shitty friends and god knows who all, talking to everyone but trying to keep me at bay while simultaneously reading every damn thing I've said and thought for two whole years it's just sickening. The fact that you pick guys like that makes me genuinely convinced at some level that you are not only racist towards me, but also just using me the way you wanted to use asian women to boost Andros ego and told him to do that. Because I guess there's no downside to them or to me, right? You just get to keep me away while getting whatever you want. Okay. This actually does make me feel sick. And makes me wish I'd never known you cuz it's the grossest, most low down thing in the world to subject someone to. Hmmm. If ever let myself think of it, then the ugliness of it and by extension who you must be makes me question why I ever allow myself to talk to you. Noone in the world that I have ever known or chosen to be around has ever been this horrible. Period. What a thing to pick to be superlative at. Ugh. And now I legit don't feel like knowing you all over again yuck. Maybe I should have just blocked you and moved on the minute I felt this way. Cuz if this is true then what part of you is even worth knowing? Genuine question. But it's my fault for repeatedly sticking around. So I won't blame you for this. Choosing people like andro who say the worst things to and about people is who you are and a choice you make, so you must be like him at some level. My fault entirely for trying to believe otherwise. 

And yet, here you are... behind my back. Sad part of all this is that it's not like I'd have been secretive or held something back deliberately.  I get that it's public domain but we were friends and I assumed a certain level of trust with you. It's not like I want to hide anything in the first place. 

Idk man. It's unreal sometimes how all this just comes off as lack of empathy. And I'm tired of these games and manipulations and duplicitous behaviour. I'm neither mad nor suprised, all of this just feels blah and unnecessary and dysfunctional at the end of the day. Especially as the alternative is just being normal and nice which you somehow are stubbornly reluctant to do. Lol. Well, I don't care either way tbh. That's the thing with being unempathetic, eventually people simply stop caring. 

Anyway, I suppose you need that plausible deniability so have at it, I'll never ask you in person about it. And don't worry I'm not judgemental either, just observant perhaps. 

Well, do whatever. 🤷‍♀️

~

Meh. I have a habit of accepting people for who they are so I suppose I accept you too, as I always did. But knowing now that you can access this place and not tell me makes me not want to write anymore, not cuz I feel judged, but because I don't actually want to say something rash that can come off as mean or cold. And the idea of gathering my thoughts in solitude is also now a bit tainted cuz it won't be solitude atleast. 

Also - The nicest and the most accomodating I've been in life to someone is you, not for any other reason except that my instincts just led me to. But in turn the meanest way I've been treated has also been by you, and that math doesn't work. You should really learn to be responsible in the right way and treat people who are good to you with kindness. Atleast strive for bare minimum. 

~

You had access to ten plus years of my life and thoughts and who I am and you hid it. Then you hid some girl. You didn't have to. It's not like I didn't notice all the others you hurt that pop by every six months to ask you if you really care or make some lame jokes about being at your stove. All that pretence about not liking cheaters. It is cheating when you portray one image but are someone completely different. It is cheating to hide women from each other. That's like a basic rulebook of cheaters, just do shitty things and hide and then blame the other person so deflect. And I guess maybe you are one of those too. You hurt me repeatedly and didn't care at all, but kept learning all that behind my back. You should have just told me. I'm assuming you had to badmouth me to that girl to get her to delete those comments and hide her follow of that insta for a while too, like someeehow I'm in the wrong when all along you have been the person spying on me behind my back. Not everyone behaves like you, I would never have done that. Everything in life doesn't need to be some massive conspiracy, and winning someone's trust just to lull them into a false sense of security is idk. Why? Lol. Blah. Do you have NPD? It seems like it at times to be honest. Anyway. 🤷‍♀️ 

Whatever. I'm sure many people before me must have also told you so. This must be nothing new. 

~

Read everything if you want, I'm perfectly fine with it tbh. I don't actually think of you as intrusive or anything, I'm quite comfortable with you and I'm perfectly at ease too. Lol. I guess knowing you can't trust someone and they'll always sell you out is also a form of trust in that you know exactly where you stand.  😅 Hyperbole perhaps, but still. Oopsies.That's the thing about narcissists, they are all the exact same way so there are never any surprises. If they are nice, means they need something. If they blame you for something, it's usually to deflect responsibility.

Cheers. 

And I plan on being happy and doing things that make me happy from now, so in all honesty all this is just 🤷‍♀️ for me. Writing it off as you live, you learn. I don't care enough to be mean to anyone or carry forward any bad blood tbh. So whatevvvvsss. Idc. You do whatever you please. Life should be easy and fun and happy and Imma not stress all this again. 

This is kinda funny too low key haha. You're an ass dude. Like a total ass. Here's hoping the more severe things I think of you are atleast not as bad in reality as they have been in my imagination. And hopefully not a lot worse. Hehe. Who knows with people? 

Now shoo. Plus hey, now you don't have to fear icky convos I know they scare you lots. So I guess we shall not address this ever and by now the shock of reading this must have worn off as well so once again, cheers! 

Clink. 

I don't consider Sanderson a good author but he is very knowledgeable about the craft. Lectures are so pleasant. But mistborn is turning out to be a snoozefest. 😞 I mean it's not bad but it is pretty predictable. Hmmm. What am I missing?

Well. It's been a quiet weekend since I got back. Kind of just spent time with friends here and there. Feels normalish and yet as if something in me has changed a little. Oh well. That's life. 

Fuck. Lil bit of drinking only and I feel like puking. :( 

I have no capacity. 

Ugh. Feels v gross and sick. :( :( :(

I want to puke. Ughhhhh

I feel yukky and I wanna throw uppppp :( :( :(

~~~

 

LoTR

Watching rings of power. It's a shitty production but goddamn I love the story. Idc what anyone says. LoTR is one of the greatest high fantasy series ever written and remains unparalleled. I fucking love it so much. Tolkien and Tolstoy. Two of the greatest ever. 

Fuck dude. I'm humbled by their genius.

Who we are, and where we are born. It matters not. What we do, and who we become. That's all there is to it. 

Amen. 

Cheese, chess, wine

I don't think I've calculated a single move today lol. Just tanking rating nary a care hehe. I like that chess can be a solitary activity where you can be engaged but not really care about anything else. Want to get some wine and read but tooooo lazy to cross the street to fetch it even. Oh the joys of cuddling with a pillow. Hehe. Wanna just wear a t shirt in bed and watch that chess movie by Bergman tbh. Looks a bit heavy but ummmm. Dammit wine and movie would be nice. But I'll have to wear pants to go down to get it. Ugh. DILEMMA 😩

Just sitting quietly. The sounds of the fan, a hot coffee by my side and an unopened book. A mix of all things that are continuous and comforting in their constancy. Do I seek constancy? In some things in life yes. In others, no. 

I have never felt tethered to anything. Partly due to not wanting to maybe. But I do enjoy my peace and quiet from time to time. A mental getaway that helps you recharge. 

I've been avoiding speaking to Di also. Man, that godawful text she sent me just annoyed me lots. It was so controlling and like giving ultimatums. 'Want to talk, if not I'll take a step back?' like why... Just chill out no. Why is there such a deep need to get someone to do what you want else it's some ultimatum? And why tell that then just do it and keep it to yourself. Fuck. Comes off as batshit crazy. 

I hate that so much. Like why do some people just get soooo pedantic and can't understand if you simply don't feel like talking? Like just take a step back yo. I'm not your bf for you to force me to speak or force me to tell why I'm not speaking bc. Idk. I don't get it. But I just got annoyed. Also cuz I legit didn't want to speak but being forced to confront that is also irritating. Lol. That might be my fault tbh. I guess the idea of facing someone who you know will make things dramatic or very heavy when you don't want that is daunting. Plus. If I'm being honest it's just a series of heavy talks with her like I end up feeling like some emotional support dog. There is no lightness and general camaraderie where you just chill out and have fun and laughter and all those good things, it's just complaining about something or the other and that gets very annoying. Can't even say that out loud cuz it sounds rude. I guess that's my issue here tbh. I didn't wanna talk cuz all I feel like is some sort of a support system for her and rn I just don't have that bandwidth to cater to someone's emotional needs. And I hate those therapy induced lines people give also... ' I understand the need someone has to.. yada yada. No, you don't you just don't understand what giving someone space means cuz you are just controlling. 🙄

By this age people should just understand that they should not just be burdensome man. And I don't get what is so world ending about not having spoken for a bit like big deal. Hadn't even told M my granny passed away cuz she was traveling too and I knew she would understand and she did. 

~

I also kinda came to this realisation that some people simply don't care about you, what you feel etc. They care that they aren't getting what they want from you. Cuz with her it kinda felt like... She is asking when I get back just to see if I reach out. I do, then she waits for a week to pass by to see if I've reached out, if I haven't then it's time to give ultimatum. Nowhere is there any trace of... Hey maybe she isn't doing well or is tired or anything normal and should I offer support or just check in... It's more like... Yeah you aren't listening to me unburden so now I'm just going to be like a ticking clock and when my therapist says enough time has passed I'll give ultimatums cuz it's socially acceptable. Doesn't really care that it's a bad period or that I may have to deal with stuff. It's always just about them and how they feel. Relentlessly so.  AND ITS FUCKING CRAZY TO BE SO CONTROLLING OF SOMEONE LIKE BRUH JUST BE HAPPY AND LIVE LIFE AND LET OTHERS BE HAPPY. PEOPLE WILL WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ON THEIR OWN IF YOU ARE A NORMAL HAPPY PERSON BC. AAAAAA. 

okay whew, got that out of my system. 

~

Lol. Whatever. I can't rn I don't have any space left to say or do anything. Just wanna be quiet, read, workout, drink coffee, play chess and generally stay busy. 

~

Lol. Why tf do I always end up cultivating friendships with controlling women? I just hate how it feels to constantly feel like you gotta be catering to them to make sure they don't subject you to icky talks lol. And I just knuckle under also to keep the peace cuz I just hate confrontations. Bruh. I'm like my dad yo. Just want to run far away in the face of emotional unloading cuz neither of us likes to deal with it. Oh god P. DO BETTER. haha. Don't be such a dick or atleast pick people who are easy going so it doesn't feel stifling then. I'm only to blame for half my people problems. Seriously. 💀

Feel like laughing at what a wuss I am. 😅

Back home. Travelled all day. Just feel so exhausted. I feel sad too. Even though I didn't know her all that well, or at all really. I still just feel a certain void. Like I do of my aunts. Every time someone goes away, it feels like they leave this space behind that's never really going to be filled. Hmmm. 

Well. Tonight. I just feel like mourning her and letting myself feel whatever grief I have all these days. It's weird but I always keep my feelings to a side until I can deal by myself and this time it's not different. Man. And now I just want to cry. Hmmm. 

I miss everyone that left, and I love you all soooooooo damn much. 

RIP. 

Had a strange dream in which I was going somewhere in a nice open air car but with the wrong set of people lol. It was so weird and vintage. I love vintage cars tbh. Something so quaint about them.

Crazy amount of exhaustion... I'm looking forward to going back home. Just need my own space heh. 

I saw this guy playing and he did what I asked also and it was nice I guess. Will say that to him atleast. Don't want to tell him my granny passed. I don't think he would care. I don't think another one of those ' hope it gets better soon ' kinda automated responses will be tolerable to me. 

Hmm. Oh well it's okay. Can't make a person care so why out them in a spot where they need to pretend to? Chuck it. 

Heh. Sooo much has happened in these two days. Mom telling me she is glad I'm around. I suppose in some ways I've become a bit of a rock for them. Uncle telling me I don't talk much. I guess maybe I don't. But mostly when I don't know what to say heh. Well. 

It's good to get perspective on things tbh. It's nice. Don't know if it lasts or anything but atleast once in a while it's good to get out of your own environment. 

I see my aunt doing a lot for uncle who was unwell. He seems all antsy at times. Men who feel like they aren't useful tend to become babies that need attention and respect. It can get annoying and yet I see her do a lot for him. I guess that's love in some sense. Heh. I think a loooot of women do this. Baby men cuz they love them. And as much as I had thought it was crazy as a kid I kiiinda now get it. Cuz I'm also like this no. I will in the end cater to random whims when I understand a person is dependent on me etc. Just... I guess yeah that's just a form of love. You want the best for them. 

My other cousin also visited. Getting married in December and moving to the US. Her bro meeting mine in jersey. It's crazy how literally everyone I know ends up there. But it's good they have each other. I'm glad. She was quite sad about moving, cuz she is suuuch a family person. But I hope she is happy too. Hehe. Such a smarty pants too. Most people I know are clever and so accomplished and I low key love that. Even though chartered accountancy seems so fucking boring but hey, she is one of the best in the country so hell yeah. Good stuff. 

Well. All in all a huge reunion and lots to digest. 

Wow. There is so much to absorb here. The customs, the community vibe people have. Community is a cover up word for a judgy horde lol. It's interesting how they are nice to each other but also gossip about each other so much. I guess that's why values and a set of expectations are important. To loosely govern a horde and get them to get along lol. I've long believed that it's one of the true purposes of religion too. A way to give hope, and a way to govern. 

Yet again, I feel like a complete foreigner here. There's no overlap in mentality between us. And in the end none of my life choices or theirs do either. Actually maybe there I'm wrong. There are some. Esp with my cousins getting divorced. Atleast is a welcome change actually. Noone wants to suffer through a bad marriage. I'm glad. 

Hmmm. 

I feel a sense of aloofness maybe? Idk. Somewhere that sense of holding myself to myself is very strongly present in me. When mum called and told me she passed away, my first reaction was to get up, book flight, finish whatever needs doing, pack and then give myself the space to sit and absorb it. It's always this way, I prioritise doing what is necessary. That sense of responsibility I feel compels me to. Then called brother to check how he is doing and generally listen to him. Didn't tell anyone else about it either. I somehow simply don't feel like it. 

Hmmm. Well. Days go by. 

Oh wow and my cousin is getting divorced. That's nuts. Man, so much news. But good for her. Gtfo from shitty marriages can't live like that. Good that family is supporting too. I'm glad. 

So much stuff just happened man. Spoke to brother for a long time. Apparently taking a break from relationship and has a speeding thing he needs to take care of. So sad. I feel legit bad. Now he can't come here in December either cuz has to take care of all this and he is alone. Ugh. Poor kid. I still see him like a baby only. 

Asked M if he knew any lawyers and could help and he says no. Lol. I don't know what I even expected, honestly. Just thought this once he might help. It's such a small thing to even ask for. I'm fairly certain he mentioned knowing lawyers at some point, don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but either he did or some person on his stream said that about his brother or someeeone who is one. Anyway, if he is choosing to hide even this then fuck him and fuck this shit ya. Like enough, honestly. If you honestly are so mean that you can't even help when it won't cost you anything and it's within your reach to, then fuck it and fuck you. Yet again I'm at that point but yeah. For me, people I care about mean the world. And if it was his brother who needed help in this country or him, I'd have tried to do something. Well, it's my fault only tbh for even expecting anything decent haha. So can't blame him, he was never going to come through for me ever. I wonder why he even fusses when I try to leave while simultaneously having zero empathy for me or any desire to help or be nice to me in any way. Blah, I mean he hasn't even asked how my granny was or is or anything so like I'm only an idiot for thinking otherwise or even thinking about him or this and I should just shut that door for good. True. It's just me choosing to stick around time and again so blame is all mine here. Cuz he has made it pretty clear time and again that he doesn't give a shit about me, my family, any actual thing about me. Not even as a friend. It's just a straight up no for anything meaningful. Pretty sure if Andro needed this help he would have made some effort atleast, but with me its a ' you are on your own ' kinda brush off. And there will never be any follow up but instead he would just do the same old try to get you to speak to him thing. Oh but ofc he needs validation so I suppose I need to stick to my purpose here right 🙄🙄🙄. Man, how patheeeeeeeetic of him and of me to cater to it too. Shame on me only. 

I know I'm overreacting rn but idc man. Just so saturated with everything. Sometimes it's like that incessant onslaught of knowing that someone is willingly this way just gets too hard to forgive cuz in the end it's just like why should I give a fuck either. 

But even that feeling is going away slowly tbh. In the end it's not my loss cuz there was nothing to lose for me anyway. Just someone using me that's all. Well, my fault entirely. Not his. Never asked me to give a shit, so it's on me if I chose to. Let me not blame him and take accountability for my own mistakes here. But even if I'm mad, I know that in the end if he needed something I would have helped. 

Okay. Fuck it. Never again. Do better. 

21st sept

Granny passed away today morning. I'm glad she didnt suffer. Just don't have any room to think right now so I won't. 

Almost ten years since I last came here and attended my grandad's funeral. It's been so long. I remember it was the first one I had ever attended, and I was unsure of what to do, what to feel. Feel like finding that post on the funeral to read it again. See what has changed and what hasn't. When I get the time. 

Spoke to the writer dad introduced me to. Interesting points about publishing. More or less what I expected it to be as well. Funny thing is, I don't believe the writing part is tough, it's all the rest of it. Lol. Oh well, idc. I just wanna do it cuz I want something in life that I can purely be passionate about. Rest is what it is. 

Also seeing finegold taking the piss out of Levy. What a cunty thing to do. Fuck, I remember during the pandemic when he made that cheap comment about deaths in India and I couldn't resist but say something nasty to him. 💀 Heh. Whatever he deserved it for that shit comment. Fuck him. Just a bitter guy shitting on everyone under the guise of humor. 

"Proud of you, but not surprised. That's why. "💀

I just. What do I even think here? Lmao. I was contemplating straight up blocking him and then he says this. Lol. 

Hmmm. Well I'm not gonna overthink it but it would be nice if he had said it from the get go. This once I'm not letting myself melt even though honestly it felt very sweet and gruff and like he couldn't really bring himself to be honest but then he did lol. Ok maybe I'm melting a little. I really do have a soft spot for you. But I'll melt fully only when you earn it the right way. Till then even my armour will be up. 🤺

~

Okay but side note:

Sometimes it's so hard to make stubborn people see sense lol. It's like ... I feel people believe that by being tough on someone you bring out the best in them or something. And they don't realise that all they do is create self hating adults like zverev and rublev and tsitsipas who don't reach their potential and end up as very bitter adults imo. Even Agassi talks about hating the sport and I don't think he would have if his life was diff. Like Magnus, whose parents were smart so they knew how to nurture his talent without adding on their baggage to him. 

I guess I see mental energy and drive as fuel. The most efficiently burnt fuel leaves very little residue while maximising its potential. When parents or coaches or whoever saddle on this negative grindset mindset, they make athletes less efficient overall because part of the energy simply gets wasted in unimportant sources like hating on self, being reckless etc. It never had the best results. And this kind of boomer mentality has always created lots of harm. Like seeing rublev these days is just sad... The traces of abuse on him are so severe. 

Hmmm. 

~

Well, to each their own... I can't change people and I'm not going to try to, I'm simply going to look to find ones that fit my mind well because I don't want dysfunction as a distraction, I'd like someone to add value to my life in a meaningful way. Guess that's my bottom line too. 

Ugh

I am just so mentally exhausted. Like. All this travelling back and forth. Being there for family etc. Decided to just take a bit of a breather and didn't talk to anyone much this week. And then I see today this person has played for 10+ hours. I don't even know what to say. I feel like... Bruh that's just self harm levels of bullet. I don't get him sometimes. Is it really that hard for him to juuuust say hello? It's so weird man. All of this is weird. Ignored my one win against someone titled, then next day is doing this. I don't know man. I've long felt that he has an issue with saying hi esp if he thinks I'm mad. But it can't be so deep that you never check in and try to induce the other person say hi. Like I genuinely missed it this time too. 

Well, I can't I give up. between all this family stuff, it also makes me acutely aware that he never once asked about my grandma or how I am etc. So I honestly just find myself asking an honest question... Is it really worth it? Worth caring about someone who deliberately treats you badly? Like none of my other friends would have ignored something so blatantly. And if they were busy they'd have gotten back at some point, not just tried to throw a tantrum. Hmmm. 

I don't know man, but I'm tired and it's extremely draining and at the end of the day it feels like he keeps taking me for granted and using me for validation but can't actually be nice back to me even once. And idk someone who doesn't ask if your granny is ok or not after you tell them she may not make it, someone who can't appreciate you even once when you do something you are happy with... It's just emotional abuse. Maybe that's just it and maybe he just is abusive. Idk. But I don't want to deal anymore. And everytime something happens I feel like fuck it life too short let's just be nice etc.  But now it just feels like bro if all you do is treat me badly in return... After all this time if a bare minimum hello on your own is something that you can't do then maybe yeah. I should just accept that it's emotional abuse with a caveat kept to avoid accountability. Hmmm. Okay I will leave it from now. It's hard to lose people, but it's harder to be around someone who makes you feel bad also. I just don't have it in me to do any more.

 I am a 100% sure that I can be above 2k in rapid. Just seeing some 2500 play and they blundered repeatedly lines that I worked out and rejected, while they went ahead and played it. So annoying to even see those errors it's such basic shit like queen is pinned etc wtf. I honestly think my issue is just playing too soon and not calculating in my own games cuz when I do, I'm fairly precise. Something to work on I guess.