What I deleted

Idk if you read this at some point but I had an addendum to levy and danya text that I wrote then deleted. About how I was so naive to believe in their respective bs. And made me think of how naive I can generally be when it comes to me. I hope if I am wrong about you then it's only cuz you are nicer than I've given you credit for. And that you know I found it appalling that you must have thought I view you with a very critical lens. Which I do for my own safety and I won't pretend like I'm fully on board trusting you at the moment either but that's more my cautious nature. And I'm arrogant enough to question why tf it is taking you so long to trust me cuz lol I'm pretty fantastic when it comes to all the good things like reliability. It's not even double standards haha. But seriously speaking I'm cautious because I just don't want to make a mistake cuz I want a normal happy life. I don't care much about a lot of stuff but I'm determined to live in an authentic way and part of that is having people around who also want the best for me. Like I don't care if you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of cheese, when I share I made it it's just for fun and I'd like to hear ooo nice 🙂. Basic stuff like that goes a long way in showing appreciation and you don't exactly have to know a whole lot for all that idgaf and I've never really given a fuck about how much anyone knows, just how they make me feel. I feel like this is a lesson you haven't yet learnt, you seem to view everything as elo gain in life but for me life and people are in a circle not a hierarchy and being in the circle means you are trusted. It's not your abilities that get you there, it's just actions and how you treat someone. Aka you could be 600 elo and I'd pick you over all others as long as you nice to me. And you can be 3000 and I'll boot if you not. Haha. 

Anyway blah. Here's hoping things remain happy, stable and also fun. And that you aren't an ass. I mean you are an ass, god knows you are troublesome asf at times, but hopefully not an ass when it counts that's all. Those times be nice. 🖕🎃🖕

Care about you despite it all I guess. Ugh. 🙄 This eyeroll is for me. 

Here's also hoping I can read this post years from now and actually smile at it with affection and ease. Hehe, that would be so nice. Will show you also at that time. 

Cracked 2100 on puzzles. Wow. That wasn't easy for me took a day and a half. Hmm. Learnt something though, so that's good. Chess is so damn deep. 

Edit: oo I'm going beyond 2150 now. That's nice. Took a lot of time for sure. 2 whole days. 

Played puzzles a shit ton today. Interesting. So when not thinking I can drop to 1800 like my rating and when thinking I'm around 2070-2080. So when I get to 2070 I gotta slow down and refute all lines before I play. Hmmm. Haven't been able to break 2100 in these lately. Except now I want to. It's high time I break into the 2000s in all time controls. Okay I look forward to it. Hehe. Let me cut out mindless playing from today. Wanna get this done before the year ends.

Also brain suddenly zones out after 3-4 hours. That's also pretty shit. God I miss being young and feeling refreshed after 8 hours of concentration. Heh. 

Sometimes it's just annoying to deal with people who are simultaneously incorrect and dug in. Like sheesh. 🙄

~

Think I'm starting to miss having deep conversations. I genuinely miss that, and discussing ideas and just generally being engaged in a flow of something nice. 

With the introduction of trust, possessiveness turns to ease. :)

What a wonderful feeling it is. Like a gentle breeze ruffling through a meadow. ♥️

~ 

Space Oddity

Watching some 2400s play rapid and I'm always shocked at how they blunder simple tactical things like if you take a piece that's guarding another. I feel like most games are just a matter of one blunder, which is egregious. Rarely do I see anything that's free of them and positional I guess. It's interesting though. And frustrating to be honest. To watch someone just make the mistake you preempt it's haha idk. But maybe that's chess. If you love precision anyone being imprecise can be annoying. I bet games like the ones I would play would also irritate the crap out of higher rated players. Hahah. Oh well fuck em. 🖕🖕I get why M also must be annoyed by A when he is passive cuz he is like aahhh just get in the field don't be lazy calculateeee. Hahaha. If he got annoyed by me I actually wouldn't care I'd probably get all dug in and want to prove him wrong or some shit. Bite off way more than I can chew but when it comes down to it idc I'll still fight and there are some things that are best left untested haha. It also takes trust I suppose. To trust that even if they being mean on the surface they actually want the best for you so you allow for them to shape you in some way. If I give him my trust it'll be forever so I won't for now. That much power should only be with someone who wants the best for you. I'm not yet convinced of that so nyat. I shall not bestow mine on him. 🎃

Actually really enjoyed analysing one game too. Wanted to see if I can spot what's a critical error and I could damn. It felt so damn good. Checked with engine and it jumped from -0.5 to +4 ish right there. I think it's the first time I've actually tried to do it this way and just enjoyed it so much. Naro was right, there are just worlds within one position and it's so easy to get lost in it. It's scary how enticing it can be too, you can spend hours in it. "Chess is beautiful enough to waste your life for." ~ Hans Ree. I kinda agree. Not all of it, but I can see how it can be alluring. 

Saw some yt clips and as usual the drama came in recos. Was kinda surprising to hear Naroditsky say he didn't take on krammers because Kramms is high rated. Didn't expect that. I thought it was simply a matter of principle like randomly this dude annoying me why should I reward him with a match. Lol. He is also following his own dostoevsky arc a la Ivan Karamazov. People are so weird they fascinate the fuck out of me at times. Even when I view him I'm thinking to myself hey what would be the best way to deal with this etc. Deffo not wha he is doing, just coming undone. I can't seem to help but speculate on what's the right thing to do in all of this. Still, never occurred to me that he simply didn't want a match cuz he knows krammers is v strong. And yet he is spending time in yt comments now. It's pretty sad. But yeah that thing M said about retirement being tough lolol. Sooooo cute man. Aaaaa. Just melted at the thought of some sad dude not feeling good about people not respecting him. Then realised wow am I easy to sympathy scam or what. Feeling bad despite the unhingery he displayed while Ivan dearest is not able to eat or sleep. Ahhahahah. Why are they all so crazy? Istg in normal life noone will have the patience or the mood to deal with these nutters and yet collectively the chess world just makes room for insane oddities. 

Am I odd too? Hahaha. Not yet anyway. I can straddle the normie world well but maybe inside me is also an impulsive non conformist that wants to peek out from time to time. Such a pretty way to describe it, but why the fuck not. 🤭

Bonus: 

Ahahahhahaha. Ommggg. Such a grouchy twatty man but fuck, he does have a way with words. Hahahhaha. Stupid ass chess world just people being petty and cunty for no reason and yet it's just so idk. I DONT KNOWWWW. 🤣♥️

Made a wish this diwali lol. Not sure if you make wishes on diwali but oh well. Lately, I just feel like the gravity of life has kind of settled in. I'm more aware of people and finiteness. Maybe it has something to do with granny and viewing everyone at home but I just feel so completely concerned about everyone. All the time lol. Like scolding brother for speeding, dad for doing his dumbassery, mom for walking on the roadside lol. Heh. I just want to keep everyone happy and safe and sometimes I feel like being controlling in my urge to just get everyone to not make mistakes but why tf have I become everyone's parent lmfao. Well, idc everyone better listen to me and not do bs. Haha. Fuck...it sometimes really feels like you have to not let anyone be wayward.  Oh well, god bless.