February has been a month of introspection and reflection for me. I guess maybe I am at the point in my 20s where I want to consider life from a bird's eye view, and compliment that with actions and measures that help me build out one that I am happy about. It is a nice juncture to be at, because it offers a measure of peace and helps me assess everything without a reactionary mindset.
A lot of my past effort has gone into disentangling and separating myself from my early 20s self. I had a conversation with a friend and we were discussing how we both used to put a whole lot of effort into people and relationships. Me and him have had similar life experiences, so I guess our outlook tended to match. We were both so afraid of missing out, that we concentrated our energies into people diligently. It seemed to work for a while, but inevitably it ended in us drawing the short straw in the long run.
He fell in love with a girl, who was amazing, and she became his island. An island with all the luxury, comforts and entertainment that one could wish for. So when things went south, it was pretty hard for him to draw a line anywhere, and things got messy.
And me, I fell in love with this one boy, and damn, was he awesome! Unlike everyone I knew and was used to. :) I'm not sure when or how it happened, but one day I knew I was in love. Of course, as stated by Mr. Murphy, all that could go wrong, did go wrong. :) Eventually he ended up choosing practically the whole world over me. When I admitted that to myself, I couldn't help but laugh, because, "Irony this be, Padawan."
Some people instinctively know this, but me and my friend, we learnt the hard way that every relationship needs to be an equal, two way street. You cannot be someone's saviour and they cannot be yours. Every other aspect of our life suffered during our years of heartache. Today, we both have progressed enough to be able to prioritize our lives and our goals along with people.
I no longer think it is okay to let someone off the hook if they deliberately hurt you and show no remorse. From what I have observed, people who find it hard to apologise and instead just justify their actions, mostly do not care about you. A lot of times, people have a choice between being right and being kind. What they choose shows what they feel about you.
I do not feel it is okay to give more to someone, friends or lovers, than they are willing to give back. You should be able to draw a line, for your own sake, since the locus of your happiness cannot be external. I don't mean you should keep a ledger and buy return gifts for each of theirs. But in general, the measure of a person's true feelings towards you is if they care enough to be around during the good times and bad. Who make your lives simpler, just by being in it. Putting up with the narcissists is not necessary, all they do is create drama and you will never truly be happy, pandering to their myriad demands.
I do not feel it is okay to give more to someone, friends or lovers, than they are willing to give back. You should be able to draw a line, for your own sake, since the locus of your happiness cannot be external. I don't mean you should keep a ledger and buy return gifts for each of theirs. But in general, the measure of a person's true feelings towards you is if they care enough to be around during the good times and bad. Who make your lives simpler, just by being in it. Putting up with the narcissists is not necessary, all they do is create drama and you will never truly be happy, pandering to their myriad demands.
Thing is, eventually, the demands of your life are going to take over. Your jobs, commute, bank statements...all of that will be a focus. It might be harder to see the leprechauns in your garden and the imps under the rocks. But with the help of a few good friends, good conversations, and lots of laughter - there can always be some sparkly fairy dust in your life.
Just make sure you carry some in your pocket for other people's too. :)
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