Fine Wine

Rome is burning, he said
as he poured himself another drink
yet here I am, knee-deep in a river of pussy

Here it comes, she thought,
another self-indulgent, whiskey-soaked diatribe
about how fucking great everything was in the past
and how all us poor souls born too late
to see the Stones at wherever
or snort the good coke like they had at studio 54
well, we had all just missed out
on practically everything important
and the worst part was, she agreed with him

here we are she thought, at the edge of the world
the very edge of western civilization
and all of us are so desperate to feel something
anything
that we keep falling into each other
and fucking our way to the end of days.

- Californication

A little apathy

is sometimes the medicine you need.

Sex

Why is it this song for me?

Don a pretty dress for Romeo, and likely seduce him too

Listening

To this

She sings:

I still try to forget Rheya
She’s flooding her bloodstream every time I close my eyes
Disappear, why won’t you leave?
I was never meant to see you here

I still try to forget Rheya
As she cries at the ocean that gave her life
Touch me just one last time
I don’t want to remember this life

There was a time I might have looked for me in this rhythm, and maybe even the lyrics. The guitar would have struck a cord. The emotions would have been seductive. I'd have loved to imagine my lover and me, possibly in a haze of something, connecting and disconnecting. Both held the promise of depth, each time either finding a new high or a new low, by turns maybe? But now I feel like that need is very faint. Maybe I have come too far from who I used to be. I'm not sure when I turned the corner, it was so gradual. 

I think music is the best way to plot your emotional progress. You know the person you used to be by listening to the music that made you sway. This is coming up on my playlist now, and I find my fingers doing that weird thing they do when I love a certain sound. Love.   

Things that make me happy

I wanted to make a small listicle for future reference - of things that give me joy.

1. Deep diving into a book, discovering the new worlds within. Maybe I'm an escapist, but normal regular life seems so devoid of magic and so mundane to me. One of my favourite memories is when I was in 2nd grade and my school got a library. I don't know what made me pick up my first book, maybe it was the cover or the title that promised fantasy. I read it, and then proceeded to read every last book in that tiny library. Enid Blyton just changed my life. Her characters, her morality, the daring and the friendships made me want a life that was exactly that. Years and many many books later, I find myself gravitating towards fictional worlds still. They hold the promise of a life as it should be and not as it is. And I looove it.

2. Music. Though it need no explanation, but music is like an endless river, with more water pouring in constantly.

3. Running. I recently read Shoe Dog, and in the beginning he talks about how running is all about the act itself, since there is no end goal there. This is something I'm beginning to understand and appreciate. Being more goal oriented, my natural state is playing basketball or any other team sport. But I wanted to take up running to understand it's appeal, and I think it's slowly changing who I am.

4. Fine wine with my lady friends. I love to talk, and there is nothing better than a session with my ladies. It has all the elements of bonding and something I truly treasure. I feel listless unless I have had my weekly fix of my women friends. I guess only women get each other on an integral level, and it's important to have good, strong friendships.

5. Understanding and structuring concepts from the ground up. I love to deconstruct, and understand things at the most fundamental level that I can. Whether it's the social media economy, or people's intrinsic motivations - the act of deconstruction is kind of akin to untangling knots for me.

6. Writing fiction for children. I want to be able to influence little kids someday, the same way Enid Blyton did me. I realise that my core fundamentals are all derivatives of what I read back then, and they drive my actions even today. I'd like to leave some works behind which can maybe have an impact on someone else someday too.

7. Travelling and understanding cultures. Knowing new lands, beliefs, foods, behaviors, traditions and customs. I'd love to have close friendships with as many diverse people as possible. Although I suspect that people everywhere have similar drives, it still seems like fun.

8. Being close to nature. I've never dreamt of large houses or the biggest apartments. I'd rather walk barefoot on grass and go home to a lovely, clean cottage. Be as close to nature as possible. I truly believe we are meant to live alongside nature to feel connected to life. Concrete jungles kill my soul.

9. Anime. So fantastical, so arty, and so imaginative. The worlds are so immersive!

10. Listening to podcasts. Whether it is a thought leader, or a philosopher, I notice that I fall asleep listening to a podcast every night now. It's a good feeling.

11. Loving someone. This one I can't ever live without. My ideal vision of love has now changed into a more realistic one, but it's fundamental concept of loving someone truly, and for all their flaws has weathered every storm that has come to pass. I hope to get it right once, and then take what comes with it for the rest of my life.

12.Challenging myself. Maybe this is ingrained because of my father, but I feel a need to strive constantly towards a higher vision of a better me. Maybe that's why I love heroes, because they conquer things far greater than themselves.

13. Cultivating strong friendships. :) I am so glad to have a very good and strong bond with all the people in my life. It's such a privilege. 

14. Singing. This is such a guilty pleasure. I am too shy to sing in front of people, but maaaan, I love it. I sooo wish I was a rockstar. :D

15. A bit of whiskey on a cold winter night and lying on the carpet listening to Mr. Bojangles.

What I want

 ... is to be surrounded by people better than me, more knowledgeable, more driven, chasing a dream with all that they have. Everyone else just doesn't cut it. :( 

Mindshifter

A character with no identity or battle of his own. He can get inside the mind of anyone and observe how they function. There is no intent, other than to observe. His objectives are mysterious at best and he cannot be trusted in the traditional sense. He cannot be counted upon per se, the only way to evoke something in him is curiosity. He is mostly a benign presence, doesn't actively cause harm to anyone. But he does end up being a bit of a problem because other people have motives. Will be interesting to cast him, since he can be used as a chess piece. Likes to have the best seat in the house for any event he finds interesting. Think dragon fight.

Choices

Flowers don't grow in swamps, except maybe lotuses.
That's beautiful, and that's also the last place I'd wanna be.

Fears and Loves

'Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost'
- Milan Kundera

This line basically surmises all that I felt for you. You made me so aware of myself and all that I lack, but want. It broke my being in ways I had never encountered before. There were days when I felt as if I was being torn into two and I could feel every rip. I couldn't even run away, you just held me in place and made me endure the break repeatedly. And I did. Even when I thought I couldn't stretch more, I somehow managed to do it. For me. And in a juvenile way, for you. These are thoughts that I am sure you would not understand or relate to, because I suspect your vision is myopic. You utter thoughts that express your need to seek depth and meaning, yet your actions are shallow and irresponsible. I find that so fascinating. Time, however, has done its thing. The storm you subjected me to, has slowly passed. I no longer wake up engulfed in fear. The primalness of what I felt is being replaced by a sense of purpose and direction. Two things that I find comfort and meaning in. Slowly, I have allowed myself to stand in place and feel my fears fully. And now I am well on my way to attain all of the missing pieces that my life was lacking. Soon, there will come a day when I have them as well. And that thought scares me. I think in a way, it has been my biggest fear, and the reason why I have always allowed myself to be 'flawed'. The flaws were my comfort zone, ones I felt kept me from making horrific mistakes with people. I have often felt like I have some degree of power and influence over people I know, and I actively avoid that particular realisation. Flaws allow for lesser power and lesser influence. Power corrupts, it makes you ruthless. Power is so much responsibility. I always choose the path of obstacles or put in self imposed limits, unconsciously. Which brings me to the thought that is pertinent to my love for you. If I were all that I could be, if I didn't put any limits to myself and really owned it instead - would there ever be a place for you in my life? If there is no part of me that is missing - would there be anything left for you to fulfill? Or is the bigger question this - if one doesn't need anyone, then what becomes the basis of love? Is it like an end unto itself? 

Blankets

You know those moments when a mix of serenity, quietness and a desire to think hits you? At that intersection lie the starting points of many of my meanderings. The other day I lay in the comfort of my blanket, with the AC just right. Everything was still and perfect. I guess maybe I find serenity to be the base of perfection. It makes me acknowledge the fact that everything is as is. I slowly started to drift towards contemplating the meaning of life. It's a question that everyone visits from time to time, and I am no different. I like to try thinking of it from different angles. It's like one of those wooden puzzles which can be solved only if you get the angle just right. The quest may just be unending, unless a deus ex machina happens. This night though, made me think about death, particularly the day my grandfather died. 

We reached his funeral, and it was the first funeral I have ever attended. Everything was surreal. Everyone around me was grieving. Mom, cousins, relatives, everyone was unstoppable that night. I remember just looking at his face, all I could do was look. He seemed peaceful, asleep even. I remember just being numb and a small voice telling me that somehow, at this moment, the only way to show respect would be to not fake any reaction. The enormity of the event hadn't quite seeped in... atleast until the moment I looked at my grandmother. A lady who most probably hadn't left his side a day in her life. They were married for what... 50 + years atleast? She was holding my hand, but unaware that it was me. And she said just one line that night... when she saw him being lifted away from the house and onwards towards the final site... "atta nighaale maajhe mister"; which roughly translates to... "My partner has started his travel". 

That moment was when it felt like the world just stopped. Here was someone.. whose entire life and love was bound to this one person. And that companion, whose eyes you see life through, is just... not there anymore. It made me think of love, and the expanse of life and the journeys we undertake with people. Knowingly or unknowingly, the people closest to us... shape us, form our thoughts, form our lives and memories. A lot of the time, we get so lost in daily living that the impact of all these cumulative actions don't seem to strike us. It takes a significant event that makes you face the bigger picture and evaluate. Somewhere that moment is tied to my idea of love as well. I would like to be like her... tied to the one person that you choose to love, freely and deeply. There is so much gentleness and strength in that love. Like embers of coal, that burn on an on, but burn slow and steady. Such a thought on such a day. 

When the funeral pyre was lit, and the fire started raging on, I wondered how many of us there would be considering the reality of what was happening. The reality that the person who we knew, who was larger than life, is now slowly turning into ash. Just that. Tomorrow we will go and scatter the ashes into the river and that would be it. A physical closure to a physical being. In three days, there was nothing left of him... no physical evidence. I didn't know what to do with that. And this has been happening from time immemorial. All the ages that have lived, before us and all that will live after... millions of people and animals, each with their thoughts and loves and lives, have all lived on this one small planet. Our tiny, protective, lovely pale blue dot. All of them have never left. They have just become one with the earth and that is it. There was nowhere else to go, and there is no trace of you left after you go. The only fragments remaining are thoughts, and words that may get passed on if you left behind some work that benefits man. And even those will rust. So basically, your area of impact, for an average person... is simply the lives you have touched while you are living. That's it. And there can be beauty in that interaction... because while you live... you can choose to carry those people forward and think of yourself as a collective, and not an individual. In that mindspace, all the tenets of being good, acting with pride and restraint, offering help and comfort and understanding... all of it instinctively feels right. There is beauty in giving back... and this life is such a privilege. In the short while that you are here, what are the ways in which you can pay your rent?

And as the fire rages... when it envelops me someday - what it would seem like to me? If all I had was slight consciousness and no pain. Seeing it from the inside, with acceptance...would it just be like a beautiful warm blanket? Would there be poetry in the way I slowly disseminate and become one with what gave me life? The embrace of the winds and the earth...would that blanket be soft? 

The Overview Effect

Looking at live videos of the earth from outer space. Couldn't define the feeling. Like one of profound oneness and fragility. All that matters, will perish one day.
Beautifully, heart breakingly, softly, slowly, without noise or maybe with. And yet this speck is a part of the whole. Such a privilege. :)

Qualities I love

I have been thinking a lot lately about the qualities I appreciate in people, things that I admire the most:

Topmost would be: 

Concern. If someone cares for you, when the going gets tough, and manages to stick it out with you - they are worth keeping around. And worth doing your best for!

Everyone has battles to fight. Some of us have simultaneous ones. But if someone manages to give you a bit of their time while fighting theirs, they are worth their weight in gold.

Loyalty. This doesn't need an explanation.

Responsibility. It comes in many forms. Sometimes, it's just about taking charge of your self and your actions. 

The most precious quality to me though - is an ability to carry people forward. Not everything in life will be perfect all the time. Realizations don't come when the movies tell you they are supposed to come. But all it takes is one person to believe in you - and things magically change. Years ago, I had a teacher who believed, and her two kind words turned a potential loss into a complete win. It was a moment that is ingrained in my memory, because it told me how much I respond to someone's faith in me. 

People who can see who you are and who you can be and encourage you to flourish - are simply the best sort! 

I hope to be that person for someone someday, and I hope I find someone who does the same for me. :) 

Building a future with someone like that would be simply incredible! 

**happiness**

One of the notes from Sapiens

Excerpt: “How long can we separate the wall of biology from the walls of law and political science?”

Interesting to note how laws might change if we try to insert biology into it. That means a fundamental shift and bucketing of people will occur. Ethics under this realm could lead to greater divides, either with the races or with individual, and the justification at this point would be scientific. 
Paradoxically, the people appointed to cook up these laws may still be operating within their own opinionated realm and thus the universality of the laws could be skewed in the favour of the person's own belief. This would justify Hitler's beliefs etc, because that too was skewed only towards biology and the worship of fitter, better looking, and more athletic humans. The problem with most laws is that, there is no agreed upon way forward for the human race. So since we don't have a cumulative north star, we are unable to decide what steps need to be taken. Nor is the collective given more importance than the individual.

Say we could actually find a way to unite under a common goal, would the goal:
1. Stay constant ad infinitum?
2. Would everyone agree that it is the way forward and give up personal gain in the favour of collective gain?

It's similar to the concept of communism in my mind. It works really well, only if everyone agrees to it. If even one person disagrees, the whole system collapses.

Plus in times of disagreement, most laws go out the window and talks break down. So anarchy can once again be the order of the day.

Interesting points to ponder on. 

Musings on a sunny day

Some days I get bogged down by life, and some days I have moments of serenity. Some days it's hard to go on. Some days there is just cold hard purpose.
On particularly cold sunny days, I listen to the Barenaked Ladies and life seems like a road trip. (Pinch Me) :)
But the best days are those, when you stretch and stretch and stretch.
And you choose love. Not for anyone else, but for you. Because love is breezy, it's full of promise and it doesn't make you small.
I think I'm slowly understanding the battles that take place within, when your insecurities clash with the person you want to be. Anger is like a whirlwind that keeps you caged in, every gust a stroke of pain. You would rather avoid it. Maturity might just entail allowing the hits to happen, and finding a way to deal with the pain. Because pain can only have power over you if you allow it to. It's okay to give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. Life is a long term continuum, no act is complete in itself. It took me so many years to grasp that concept. 
I feel like I'm leaving childhood behind now. It's slow, but it is happening. Makes me happy.

Switching to: Lovers in a dangerous time/Brian Wilson