Imagine a long, winding road at dusk. *Insert image here*

February has been a month of introspection and reflection for me. I guess maybe I am at the point in my 20s where I want to consider life from a bird's eye view, and compliment that with actions and measures that help me build out one that I am happy about. It is a nice juncture to be at, because it offers a measure of peace and helps me assess everything without a reactionary mindset.

A lot of my past effort has gone into disentangling and separating myself from my early 20s self. I had a conversation with a friend and we were discussing how we both used to put a whole lot of effort into people and relationships. Me and him have had similar life experiences, so I guess our outlook tended to match. We were both so afraid of missing out, that we concentrated our energies into people diligently. It seemed to work for a while, but inevitably it ended in us drawing the short straw in the long run. 

He fell in love with a girl, who was amazing, and she became his island. An island with all the luxury, comforts and entertainment that one could wish for. So when things went south, it was pretty hard for him to draw a line anywhere, and things got messy. 

And me, I fell in love with this one boy, and damn, was he awesome! Unlike everyone I knew and was used to. :) I'm not sure when or how it happened, but one day I knew I was in love. Of course, as stated by Mr. Murphy, all that could go wrong, did go wrong. :)  Eventually he ended up choosing practically the whole world over me. When I admitted that to myself, I couldn't help but laugh, because, "Irony this be, Padawan." 

Some people instinctively know this, but me and my friend, we learnt the hard way that every relationship needs to be an equal, two way street. You cannot be someone's saviour and they cannot be yours. Every other aspect of our life suffered during our years of heartache. Today, we both have progressed enough to be able to prioritize our lives and our goals along with people. 

I no longer think it is okay to let someone off the hook if they deliberately hurt you and show no remorse. From what I have observed, people who find it hard to apologise and instead just justify their actions, mostly do not care about you. A lot of times, people have a choice between being right and being kind. What they choose shows what they feel about you.

I do not feel it is okay to give more to someone, friends or lovers, than they are willing to give back. You should be able to draw a line, for your own sake, since the locus of your happiness cannot be external. I don't mean you should keep a ledger and buy return gifts for each of theirs. But in general, the measure of a person's true feelings towards you is if they care enough to be around during the good times and bad. Who make your lives simpler, just by being in it. Putting up with the narcissists is not necessary, all they do is create drama and you will never truly be happy, pandering to their myriad demands. 

Thing is, eventually, the demands of your life are going to take over. Your jobs, commute, bank statements...all of that will be a focus. It might be harder to see the leprechauns in your garden and the imps under the rocks. But with the help of a few good friends, good conversations, and lots of laughter - there can always be some sparkly fairy dust in your life. 

Just make sure you carry some in your pocket for other people's too. :)

Fires

Can be so cleansing. They are viewed with fear, and thought of as destructive. But it always made me go back to that one episode of Avatar, where Aang and Zuko learn fire bending. Aang holds a flame in his hand, and says 'It's like a little heartbeat'.

I feel like Avatar has taught me more life lessons than anything else ever has. 

4 quotes I currently love

“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.” 
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.” 
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” 
― Groucho Marx

The best piece of writing EVER

http://longestjokeintheworld.com

I simply cannot...cannot...!

Odd odes

I feel most of what I write, can be plonked into one or two very definitive buckets. Most of what I feel and a reflection of the music I am listening to. Come to think of it, I don't think they are mutually exclusive either. So scratch that, it is just one average sized bucket.

Maybe some part of your brain just ends up syncing with the moods of the sound. Like those few years I was living in seedy bars, playing to an audience that didn't really care. And then I got tired of it, and switched to sold out stadiums, rocking my heart out. But then I thought, hey... Indie baby! Indie is the way to go and found myself an underground label, and planned world domination.
Those were the times!

Which leads me to believe that the reverse is also true. Mood regeneration via the help of music. Pick a feeling and bombard self with music representing the same.

Something to compute when we start manufacturing humans.

Note to self: Using phrases like 'representing the same' is a sure sign of having written one too many corporate e-mails.

Thought for the day

"When someone has gifted you with one act of love after another, it’s only fair to ignore their bad moods and concentrate exclusively on the many things they’ve done for you. Acts and feelings should always prevail over moods and words."

Of Monsters and Men

'Just follow my yellow light
and ignore all those big, warning signs'

If only it was that easy, isn't it?
I'd love to have a guide so gentle, yet wise. I feel it would have been great if life, like video games, came with check points. Just so you could save your progress up until then.

Wish of the moment: Listen to this song all day long, and just go far, far away. :)

The best stories

Are the simple ones.

Where I don't need to think too much, I can root for the protagonist, because he or she is me. And we are flawed and this is our journey. And so we try, we hope, we fall, we get up, we give in, we wake up, we love, we laugh, we lose...just not too often, we shed a tear, annnd we move again, we win.

And when the dust settles, there is a slight twinge, because he or she and me must now separate.

Oh, but what an adventure it is! 

Knee Socks

" You got the lights on in the afternoon
And the nights are drawn out long
And you're kissing to cut through the gloom
With a cough-drop-coloured tongue
And you were sitting in the corner with the coats all piled high
And I thought you might be mine
In a small world on an exceptionally rainy Tuesday night
In the right place and time

When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock
When you know who's calling even though the number is blocked
When you waltz around your house wearing my sky blue Lacoste
And your knee socks"

Alex Turner: You have outdone yourself!
*Swoon*

I don't know how I missed this particular song for so long, but am I glad I found it!
Self Musing: Hope Hozier doesn't ballad the hell out of this one. :x RU Mine was unpardonable.

So here is a thought...

“With her Florentino Ariza learned what he had already experienced many times without realizing it: that one can be in love with several people at the same time, feel the same sorrow with each, and not betray any of them. Alone in the midst of the crowd on the pier, he said to himself in a flash of anger: 'My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse.” 

I wonder now... is it possible? 

Sometimes I feel -  Yes, it is - since I have often been interested in multiple people at the same time. I am sure that would leave a lot of puritans and treasurers of the notion of 'true love' aghast. Somehow we have always been told -  via books, media, films, what have you - that True Love is for The One and Only. Anyone else and settling for anything less is being a total sell-out. But if that were true, then all of us should only find love once, and resign to the doom of a loveless existence if that one doesn't work out. Unless we tell ourselves that the past wasn't 'it' and the current is. Which is cyclical at best, or until we quit trying. 

My interest in people stems from a place of wanting to find out what and how I would feel with each and everyone who has ignited it. It's like being hungry for an experience, which helps you gather knowledge. Go down that rabbit hole, until you come out the other end and actually know for sure what lies there. Like little tales – complete in their own way – bound together by a thread that is your life. Most of them may be short, a fleeting read. Some last longer than others, some in parallel. And so you go along collecting little chits in a memory jar that you can reread at leisure. Inevitably though, after the mystery has been unveiled, it is time to make a move, onward to the newer stories.

I have been able to love the one I am with, while also pining for the elusive lover. A part of him, an unobtrusive one, is always in my heart. It is mostly dormant, except for rare instances, but it continues to exist. Funnily enough, I started out as a very possessive person, but slowly, I am able to accept the presence of the others. In both our lives. The boundary keeps increasing and the area sometimes gets crowded, and that's hard at times. :)  I don't mean that in the context of open relationships or seeing more than one person at the same time. It is more along the lines of what Ariza possibly was trying to say. His love for Fermina never once got diluted, in spite of him having been with other people. To me, it is chaste and pure, the type of love that refuses to get grimy, despite our worldly needs. I have firmly believed that self love should not be the price you pay for true love. You and your life matter, they shouldn't be put on hold because he/she is like Quicksilver, always out of reach.

It might also be that I am afraid to miss out on the 'One Thing I Am Looking For'. I am not sure. I haven't judged myself for feeling this way, because well, why should I? 

So how does one bridge that conflict? White tends to get dirty quick, doesn't it? After reaching a certain point, it feels like letting go and allowing the die to fall where it will, is the best way to stay happy. The need to control is what drives the despair and before you know it, life would have passed you by, with unhappiness being the primary strain. 

Why would anyone want that? :)

Revisiting Delilah

I feel as if I am searching for something all the time. In books, music, quotes, people, everything. Always in search of that elusive factor that may just change everything, give life perspective and help me weave together a story. Sometimes, well most times, I revisit what has been read, heard, experienced just in case I missed something. It's like the world is your dartboard and you have many many arrows and no real clue where the center is. Maybe its just about taking a circuitous route, only to reach your start point, but this time, with knowledge and perspective.

I've always viewed contentment with slight dislike, since it feels like it sounds the death knell for progress. Maybe I was just afraid that, being a lazy person, it would be very easy for me to fall in the trap of the mundane. I don't know.
Possibly my perception of contentment is/was completely wrong. That it isn't about being idle and letting it be, without having wants or needs. It's the feeling you get when you try your utmost and chase your dreams, goal, what have you. And then you come home after a hard day's work and just be.

If I were

... a fish, I'd want to break the cover of the ocean. Just to look outside, you know?
... a bird, I'd like to fly to the moon and back. Just so I'd know what it felt like.
... a rabbit, I'd probably want to dig to the center of the earth. Just to see how far I can go.

Instead I'm a human. And all I do is go to work and back. 
Ugh

For the Samurai's, bad guys and being cool

Shinichiro Watanabe. You are my new favourite director.
Samurai Champloo just jumps to the top of my list for 'Animes to revisit when in dire need of entertainment.'

Heart heart heart.