I was feeling so bad about L. And I thought okay life is short let me just say hi to this guy. It's been ages. And then woke up early and saw he was working so checked it out for 2 mins. And there he was... Nicely telling people he has to go for social events. Must be code for getting laid lol. 

I have no words anymore. He just doesn't care about me at all. Like it's bad enough to randomly ghost me. But didn't once reach out. The deliberateness of that meanness is so bad man. Like... Idk. I guess it's important for him to show me how little he cares about me. Why? Idk. Did I do anything? No. But he just up and decided to be this way. And not a single word after. It's so... Idk. I get the feeling from time to time that he might be a narcissist. Cuz who else would be this unempathetic? Anyone who can just get up and treat someone so badly when all they've done is be good to them is not worth it. Being so mean for what even? A person's self esteem should not be so low that the thought of saying a single hello on their own threatens it. And if it's not that, if the reality is that I'm supposed to be okay with being treated like I'm disposable, and go back pretending like nothing happened, then that's also wrong. It's wrong to first of all treat me like I'm disposable. Absolutely and completely. You should be worried about my feelings too. And it's not so hard to be nice, is it?

And I just end up thinking... What do I hang my hat on here? Is there any moment where I felt cared for? Not at all. And this behaviour now is just so... Idk it just seems vicious to be honest. 

Idk why you chose to be this way. I don't. But I can't unsee the fact that little to no provocation just leads you to want to belittle me like this. So many times before also he did that. That entire vns thing, not wishing on my bday, ignoring that story I wrote. All of it is just designed to act like he is superior and I'm of no consequence to him. And for what? Do you really need to treat someone badly to feel good about yourself? Is that who you are? Cuz it certainly feels like it. The thing with this kinda behaviour is that it's just emotionally abusive at the end of it. And what's even left to say if that's how it is? 

Idk. A person I used to really love might die. It's been wrecking me so much. All year I have thought about how finite life is. It's so gutting to realise. But what little time we all have, I don't want to spend just being treated badly by people I do my best for and am nice to. I can't unsee any of this any longer. The fact that someone might be hiding me from some girl, or just simply finds it easy to tell me they can't even say hi to me and then just doesn't speak to me for a month and now this. It's so so so bad. I can't pretend like it isn't hurtful. And what's the goal here... to prove I'm not worth a single text, a single phone call, a single email response? And maybe that was the goal. To hurt me. So okay. You did. Hope it makes you happy. You win. Kudos.

One way to beat the blues fuck it. 6 mins left. Let's gooo. 

Song of the day:

Zemlya

It's strange how certain things serve to give you perspective on life. Like it's so bizarre. Two of my friends found out about L's diagnosis. Immediately bombarded me with questions about it. 

And I now I have to withstand any incoming questions about reaching out to her etc because people knew we were close. I decided not to, and I don't want to share the reasons why because it doesn't feel right to torch her reputation as a justification to strangers or to let them into a part of life and reasoning that I simply do not want to revisit. Nor do I want to intrude on her family at this time, her mum in particular must be extremely devasted and would want to know why I chose to leave and I simply can't tell her the truth. 

It's such a singularly strange position to be in, because people just end up wanting you to either behave a certain way or want to know what your reasons are for not wanting to.

Simply leaving it alone or understanding how it feels is a no go for a lot. My feeling and past are mine to protect and I do not like intrusions from people I'm not close to, yet telling them that becomes some very strange thing which I simply do not want to do. It's so fucked up man. On top of it, I am legitimately devastated about it. The more I read about Leukemia, the worse it gets and I just can't imagine how tough this is going to be. Fuck dude. 

There are so many crossroads in life. And it's so hard for me to pick my own side, especially as on the other side there's a person I have cared about so deeply. I can't in good conscience be there or reconnect knowing I don't actually want to be in this person's life. It's my fault for always picking people who don't care about me maybe. A very bad mistake on my part, but at the time I didn't know it was a mistake. Hmmm. Even now, I think I do make that kind of a mistake. I should, to the best of my ability atleast, keep a distance from people I don't like. And even if I like them, I should hold back till there's a genuine established give and take between us. I want to nurture strong bonds but they need to be two way. 

Why does growing up mean having to take hard calls? I don't like it. It just sucks man. But it's best to attain a balance where you feel nourished and not cornered. Heh. I guess half my life I used to feel like I had to hide my feelings and keep them to myself purely cuz it felt the same as being cornered. And I would get all territorial about them cuz I didn't want anyone to see me vulnerable. How sad. Even now... I'm not telling anyone other than M how I feel, but the fact that a person has hurt me so much and most noone even knows it, is just me being territorial about my vulnerability that I wish not to share with anyone other than my close circle. I'm glad I have them and I don't have to ever hide anything from them.

Anyway, I will try my best from now. Idk what else to say or do also now. Just wishing the best for her mum and dad. My heart breaks thinking about how horrid it'll be for them and that's what actually hurts me the most tbh.