Saving for Soren

The Unfashionable Kierkegaard

December Mornings

It's 4 am, and I'm awake. Everything is still and cold and peaceful. Just looking out from my balcony into the fogginess of the night makes me joyous. The crescent moon is especially beautiful, wish my camera could do it justice.

Parts of me that I felt were stripped away entirely, seem to be lurking around lately - hoping for new beginnings. 

I think I'm finally over the past. And I hope the future has all that I seek. 

Kaku

Seeing my aunt like this is so heartbreaking. When she reached out to touch my face and told me she is happy to see me and that she will make me chicken the way I like it, fuck man. And this time she will have beer with me. I promised her we would. My uncle and I just broke down. Oh my god. Seeing him and the kids this way is awful. And seeing her so frail. 

Why the fuck hasn't someone found a cure for cancer yet. Wtfwtfwtfwtf. I swear to god if I ever get the money for it, I will find any all research I can. 

I hope for her to find peace from the pain, I have no idea what else to say or do. Words feel so petty and cheap fuck

ChatGPT created this. What a marvel

In this world of chaos, I seek peace of mind,
A calm and steady heart, a strength of will that's hard to find.
I turn to the Stoics, and their wisdom tried and true,
To guide me through life's troubles, to help me see things through.

I am the master of my own fate,
I control my thoughts, I choose my own state.
I will not let adversity bring me down,
I will face it with strength, with courage, not a single frown.

I seek not the pleasures of this fleeting world,
For they are fleeting, their joys unfurled.
I seek instead the peace within my soul,
The strength to face the world, to take on its toll.

I will not be swayed by anger or by hate,
For these are emotions that can only seal my fate.
I will keep my mind focused, clear, and strong,
And I will face each day with courage, and do no wrong.

I am a Stoic, and I will not be moved,
By the troubles of this world, I am unmoved.
I will face each challenge with a steadfast heart,
And I will never, ever, ever fall apart.

I will live my life in accordance with the Stoic way,
With wisdom, courage, and integrity each and every day.
I will not let the world's chaos bring me to despair,

For I am a Stoic, and I will always persevere.

Man

I am so crushed by what happened today. Fuck.

Ode to my favourite philosopher

A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Everytime I refer back to him, it's with a tiny bit more perspective than the last time. And all that he says resounds in my soul with a "hell yeah!"

Another one of my favourite quotes by him basically puts into words my crude thoughts about love as well. 

"Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see." 

I have ascribed to this thought in my own rudimentary way all my life. But what he leaves out here is the danger in living this way. Though I do feel the beauty generated is enough compensation for any danger you might find yourself in. 

Man, he is such a genius. 

Leaded Balloons

I remember how I used to feel so bogged down under the weight of other people's expectations. Everytime I felt like I'm not living up to their ideas of what I should be doing, a part of me wanted to work harder so I could make them happy. It was (and is) a horribly wobbly feeling that turns my insides into jelly and Idk man, I felt like such an intruder in the world of the belongers. Like a wooly mammoth perched on a balancing stone that might topple any minute, the shakiness of my footing made me nervous, aggressive, defensive and walled up.

Over time, I've been trying to internally modify the voice that seems to disregard the self for everything outer and creates monologues, scenarios and desires to approach the unapproachable for their elusive approval. My personal brand of weakness. Growing older has helped a lot. Thankfully I've learnt how to manage and detach long enough to give conscious responses to these situations. 

Incidentally, I wonder if this is the baseline feeling that generates humiliation kinks? I don't have one, but it's one of those kinks that never made sense to me. I was talking about this with a friend, how people have such a varied approach to sex. There's things that feel good and then there's things you do that make you feel wanted. I'm not sure if the venn diagram of the two is a circle anymore. When I was younger, I had such a fear of emotional intimacy that sex was more fun than romantic for me. I didn't realise it at the time, but even words like 'lovemaking' would put me off somewhat. I used to think they were cringe, and maybe they were. Even my romantic expressions were more playful banter and general affection as opposed to expressing sentiments. But my dislike just stemmed from that intangible distrust of love and emotions. One of the weird physical extensions of that thought was that I never ever let a guy go down on me.

So I guess where I am/was going wrong is not really choosing people that are givers but picking the extreme takers. Hopefully all that has changed now. I look forward to creating more meaningful equations and not constantly overstretching for the sake of non givers.

Cheers!

Remember this one?

For the love of fucked up awesomeness

Spend some time with mee

legends of the internet

Wizards and Hats

Not good

Listening to some new age jazz and drinking whiskey. Sometimes I wish I could live inside a song.

Dostoevsky

I wonder what state of mind he lived in. Was he emphathetic to the point of being in pain? Or intelligent to the point of being disillusioned? A mix of both? 

He has such an incisive intellect, and keen observations. A thing I have always wondered about authors like him is whether they are writing who they are in all their books or are they so good at observing people that they can seperate themselves from others and be objective? 

I'm currently reading Notes, and the narrator is so scarily accurate that his doom feels like mine, and so do all his follies. It's so hard to detach from him. Heck, I've taken to making notes on my Kindle just to suggest alternative paths to him. 

In all the characters so far...the only one I'm willing to allow myself to relate to is Kolya. He was the only one that wasn't doomed from the start. Maybe this is why I gravitate towards children's fiction. There's a measure of hope and potential in it that is lacking in adult books. I don't want to be doomed, I don't want to go with the current, and I don't want to ever ever ever just be swept away into a life not of my choosing. I fear this so much sometimes. And I don't want to be afraid. :(

the first song I ever heard

this

I remember I was around 6/7 years old. I found this casette at my friend's place. Mostly her dad's. I put it on, not knowing what to expect. And it was Simon and Garfunkel. ♥️

This first song made me absolutely fall in love with music. 

I remember listening to Sounds of Silence repeatedly, not knowing what ''halo of a streetlamp" could mean. But something about ''words like silent raindrops'' evoked warm honey on toast feelings inside me. The sleeve of the casette gave me the lyrics I would have otherwise found hard to decode. Back then, I had to keep rewinding the casette and then jot stuff down in my diary so I could know what to sing.

I spent countless hours singing in front of a mirror those days, pretending to give a concert, painstakingly recording a new casette onto a blank one so I could have a music collection of my liking. When the tape came loose, trying to rewind it with a pencil, and praying fervently that it doesn't get spoilt. New casettes were a luxury.

Years later, I discovered Leonard Cohen and Bright Eyes, both of which completed this trinity of bands that hold time within them for me.

It's not often that I remember this memory, but the joy of discovery and the anticipation of beauty used to light my heart on fire. If there's one thing I truly miss about childhood, it's how much I loved and looked forward to discovering things.

this one just speaks to my soul

love

lamplight

I feel a deep deep sense of harmony, hope and balance growing inside me lately. May I keep it? 

is there

any real point in being wise? 

I try, but failing at it is what gives me my most precious memories. What in the oops. 

dreamy

that's the best way I can describe today. Busy all day, yet with no real plan of what to do. And a whole lot of oldoldold music I had forgotten to listen to in a long time. Surprise me, life! ♥️

careless

Sometimes I wonder how it's so easy for someone to hurt you out of the blue, and show no remorse

listening

I love this

thung thilung Tung Tung Tung Tung

Always a note different from what I expected

Always a playground away from me

Outlines and squares

Keeping it moroccon

But more importantly

Always away from me

you know what

The constitution of glory is a mix of bit parts of delusion

feeking weak

Sometimes it feels like the few vulnerable moments I choose to open up about seem very silly to others and they immediately start to tease me about it. And in my head it just feels like this huge thing. And I hate then I try to be open minded about other people's lives but in return they don't even realise when I'm sharing something serious. The irony is that I just share the little stuff just to see what the reaction would be and when I encounter mockery I close right back up. Maybe this sharing thing is overrated and I should go back to old status quo.

Smells

Today I smell like those fancy yet feminine girls. When I was a kid, the girly ones used to smell so upscale, I used to feel in awe of them. Like these ethereal beings that were lady like and not clumsy like me. They always had this particular scent that conveyed more than just a mere smell. It was a combination of femininity, girlhood, elitism and some unshakable poise. A type of femininity I could never exude,it felt inauthentic to the point of fakeness. I used to wonder what was so different between them and me at times, feeling like a loud block of human around them. Mostly I used to shrug it off. And today I smell like them. 

Turns out it's ginseng body lotion.