I remember how I used to feel so bogged down under the weight of other people's expectations. Everytime I felt like I'm not living up to their ideas of what I should be doing, a part of me wanted to work harder so I could make them happy. It was (and is) a horribly wobbly feeling that turns my insides into jelly and Idk man, I felt like such an intruder in the world of the belongers. Like a wooly mammoth perched on a balancing stone that might topple any minute, the shakiness of my footing made me nervous, aggressive, defensive and walled up.
Over time, I've been trying to internally modify the voice that seems to disregard the self for everything outer and creates monologues, scenarios and desires to approach the unapproachable for their elusive approval. My personal brand of weakness. Growing older has helped a lot. Thankfully I've learnt how to manage and detach long enough to give conscious responses to these situations.
Incidentally, I wonder if this is the baseline feeling that generates humiliation kinks? I don't have one, but it's one of those kinks that never made sense to me. I was talking about this with a friend, how people have such a varied approach to sex. There's things that feel good and then there's things you do that make you feel wanted. I'm not sure if the venn diagram of the two is a circle anymore. When I was younger, I had such a fear of emotional intimacy that sex was more fun than romantic for me. I didn't realise it at the time, but even words like 'lovemaking' would put me off somewhat. I used to think they were cringe, and maybe they were. Even my romantic expressions were more playful banter and general affection as opposed to expressing sentiments. But my dislike just stemmed from that intangible distrust of love and emotions. One of the weird physical extensions of that thought was that I never ever let a guy go down on me.
So I guess where I am/was going wrong is not really choosing people that are givers but picking the extreme takers. Hopefully all that has changed now. I look forward to creating more meaningful equations and not constantly overstretching for the sake of non givers.
Cheers!
