Listening

To this

She sings:

I still try to forget Rheya
She’s flooding her bloodstream every time I close my eyes
Disappear, why won’t you leave?
I was never meant to see you here

I still try to forget Rheya
As she cries at the ocean that gave her life
Touch me just one last time
I don’t want to remember this life

There was a time I might have looked for me in this rhythm, and maybe even the lyrics. The guitar would have struck a cord. The emotions would have been seductive. I'd have loved to imagine my lover and me, possibly in a haze of something, connecting and disconnecting. Both held the promise of depth, each time either finding a new high or a new low, by turns maybe? But now I feel like that need is very faint. Maybe I have come too far from who I used to be. I'm not sure when I turned the corner, it was so gradual. 

I think music is the best way to plot your emotional progress. You know the person you used to be by listening to the music that made you sway. This is coming up on my playlist now, and I find my fingers doing that weird thing they do when I love a certain sound. Love.   

Things that make me happy

I wanted to make a small listicle for future reference - of things that give me joy.

1. Deep diving into a book, discovering the new worlds within. Maybe I'm an escapist, but normal regular life seems so devoid of magic and so mundane to me. One of my favourite memories is when I was in 2nd grade and my school got a library. I don't know what made me pick up my first book, maybe it was the cover or the title that promised fantasy. I read it, and then proceeded to read every last book in that tiny library. Enid Blyton just changed my life. Her characters, her morality, the daring and the friendships made me want a life that was exactly that. Years and many many books later, I find myself gravitating towards fictional worlds still. They hold the promise of a life as it should be and not as it is. And I looove it.

2. Music. Though it need no explanation, but music is like an endless river, with more water pouring in constantly.

3. Running. I recently read Shoe Dog, and in the beginning he talks about how running is all about the act itself, since there is no end goal there. This is something I'm beginning to understand and appreciate. Being more goal oriented, my natural state is playing basketball or any other team sport. But I wanted to take up running to understand it's appeal, and I think it's slowly changing who I am.

4. Fine wine with my lady friends. I love to talk, and there is nothing better than a session with my ladies. It has all the elements of bonding and something I truly treasure. I feel listless unless I have had my weekly fix of my women friends. I guess only women get each other on an integral level, and it's important to have good, strong friendships.

5. Understanding and structuring concepts from the ground up. I love to deconstruct, and understand things at the most fundamental level that I can. Whether it's the social media economy, or people's intrinsic motivations - the act of deconstruction is kind of akin to untangling knots for me.

6. Writing fiction for children. I want to be able to influence little kids someday, the same way Enid Blyton did me. I realise that my core fundamentals are all derivatives of what I read back then, and they drive my actions even today. I'd like to leave some works behind which can maybe have an impact on someone else someday too.

7. Travelling and understanding cultures. Knowing new lands, beliefs, foods, behaviors, traditions and customs. I'd love to have close friendships with as many diverse people as possible. Although I suspect that people everywhere have similar drives, it still seems like fun.

8. Being close to nature. I've never dreamt of large houses or the biggest apartments. I'd rather walk barefoot on grass and go home to a lovely, clean cottage. Be as close to nature as possible. I truly believe we are meant to live alongside nature to feel connected to life. Concrete jungles kill my soul.

9. Anime. So fantastical, so arty, and so imaginative. The worlds are so immersive!

10. Listening to podcasts. Whether it is a thought leader, or a philosopher, I notice that I fall asleep listening to a podcast every night now. It's a good feeling.

11. Loving someone. This one I can't ever live without. My ideal vision of love has now changed into a more realistic one, but it's fundamental concept of loving someone truly, and for all their flaws has weathered every storm that has come to pass. I hope to get it right once, and then take what comes with it for the rest of my life.

12.Challenging myself. Maybe this is ingrained because of my father, but I feel a need to strive constantly towards a higher vision of a better me. Maybe that's why I love heroes, because they conquer things far greater than themselves.

13. Cultivating strong friendships. :) I am so glad to have a very good and strong bond with all the people in my life. It's such a privilege. 

14. Singing. This is such a guilty pleasure. I am too shy to sing in front of people, but maaaan, I love it. I sooo wish I was a rockstar. :D

15. A bit of whiskey on a cold winter night and lying on the carpet listening to Mr. Bojangles.