I feel like the essence of love I have felt so far can be condensed down to the thought that I have a yearning to be understood and loved, all at the same time. To bask in the light of that special oneness you feel when your lover helps shine the light on the best of you. Earlier I would wonder what and who am I looking for. Meeting someone likely or unlikely, having the idea of it slowly formulate, and then reaching a point beyond which I can't go. Being with The Fool has been the closest I have ever come to truly wanting someone. I still remember how every fiber in my being screamed out for him, and what he represented. He was my picture inside the snow globe, an idea of happiness I had not even known until I met him. Funny thing was, he was one of the unlikely ones. As I must have been for him. Such a false positive. But those few months, excruciating as they were, were also testament to the bottomless pit of love I felt for him. The genuineness of those moments are now sullied by the bad bad choices we make as humans. Sullied and torn and called to question because when the outer waves and demands of life set in, the inner voice, world and beauty all just slyly disappear in the glare of the harshness the world thrusts on you. And today what lingers is numbness, like a healed surgical cut which might remind you that you were once in a painful place, but can't quite relate to anymore. This is the sad part. Most lovers leave behind a part of them you can continue to love in a bittersweet way, a distant memory to be evoked in the years to come, to reflect on fondly, or with amusement. I just never realised that some cuts can be so deep, that they remove the entirety of the person you once loved. I guess there's some agonising sense of poetry in that. Some writer somewhere would be able to craft it into a story with pretty words and evoke imagery that makes you feel the want, the desire and the loss. But for now, all this makes me wonder about are the paths I am not taking.
Years ago there was a path I didn't take. While I don't regret it, I also know that in the middle of all the wrong ones, this one might have brought me mundane happiness that is enough for most people. And I was so sure at the time that it wouldn't be enough. The experience I wanted simply didn't lie with him. Years later The Fool made me feel like I might actually be okay with the mundane and the ordinary. After all, he was mundane and ordinary.
And today I feel like there is another path I am not taking. Simply because it doesn't fit my worldview, and the distant call my heart keeps hearing. It feels less like falling in love and more like settling for someone who is willing to provide what one might need - security, an assurance that you would not be cheated on, that in their own way - you'd be taken care of. I am tired of losing people, but allowing this possibility to bloom would be akin to giving in, and somehow choosing to provide for someone who doesn't understand me or my inner needs at all. And who would quite possibly never get them. The irony is that it wouldn't occur to him that I might need something too, he would be happy because the version of me he knows is the one who gives the understanding and niceness he craves. Or the fact that his interest evokes nothing but irritation and annoyance in me. There's nothing I would like better than to sever this possibility before it rears its head like the ugly beast it threatens to become.
Funny are the things we want, and less so the ones we don't. We are nothing but kids stumbling around in the dark, trying to find a way out.
Years ago there was a path I didn't take. While I don't regret it, I also know that in the middle of all the wrong ones, this one might have brought me mundane happiness that is enough for most people. And I was so sure at the time that it wouldn't be enough. The experience I wanted simply didn't lie with him. Years later The Fool made me feel like I might actually be okay with the mundane and the ordinary. After all, he was mundane and ordinary.
And today I feel like there is another path I am not taking. Simply because it doesn't fit my worldview, and the distant call my heart keeps hearing. It feels less like falling in love and more like settling for someone who is willing to provide what one might need - security, an assurance that you would not be cheated on, that in their own way - you'd be taken care of. I am tired of losing people, but allowing this possibility to bloom would be akin to giving in, and somehow choosing to provide for someone who doesn't understand me or my inner needs at all. And who would quite possibly never get them. The irony is that it wouldn't occur to him that I might need something too, he would be happy because the version of me he knows is the one who gives the understanding and niceness he craves. Or the fact that his interest evokes nothing but irritation and annoyance in me. There's nothing I would like better than to sever this possibility before it rears its head like the ugly beast it threatens to become.
Funny are the things we want, and less so the ones we don't. We are nothing but kids stumbling around in the dark, trying to find a way out.
