Form follows function

We have EYELIDS. That's how precise our bodies are. Fuckz

Musical musings

Crywolf - Your music is divine. <3

So take a spot in front of me and
Listen now I'm coming clean
There're so many things I think you should know
Take apart all the melodies and
Deconstruct what's inside of me
You're all I want to see before I go

For some reason ' Deconstruct what's inside of me' holds my heart more than anything. :) 
Even feel good songs need a splash of logix. 

Studio: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ltb_kzl06o

Unplugged: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYUdqbRYW2s

Monkey Brain go "Hoot' 'Hoot'

This past year I have actively tried dabbling in the Art of Conscious Choosing - the main idea being that instead of being in a reactive state, you push yourself to analyse, contemplate and make choices after getting a thorough understanding of any situation that you encounter. You also do not use the past as a frame of reference, rather you try to assess a situation as is, without judgement and with understanding. 

While it is by no means an established mode of thinking, my reason for experimenting with this was because I was seeking a change from repetitive thinking patterns. A whole lot of time in my early 20s was spent just reacting to situations. 

Sentences like these were eerily familiar:

You always make me feel like this. 

You always act this way. 

I thought you would have grown up by now.

You never take responsibility. x infinity

She must have meant this cuz she always does.

*Eyeroll*

'Always' and 'Never' were the most commonly used words.

It seems like once boxed in, every person was assigned a role they will play unto infinity. Which is to say, absolutely no change was to be expected. With the outside world, there was slight room for improvement, especially in people I held dear. But the closer the equation, the less room there was. I felt like I was trapped in a bad dream and the only way to act was to react. With anger being the choicest response. Deep down, I suffered a sense of helplessness so overwhelming it only sought expression in drastic behaviour. 

For eg: early on in life I witnessed messy marriages and unhappy homes. This created a fear in me - What if I end up in a similar situation? How will I deal? Is this an unavoidable future? Somehow I had begun to see helplessness and imagine unhappy futures as the result of partnerships. Forget the fact that we live in a different world, that what happens to others isn't necessarily where my life would head, that I only had a handful of references and the world is filled with waaay more than that, that my life is mine to choose. All that didn't even make it into the top 10 thoughts I had, because everything would get obliterated in a mess of fear and panic. Monkey brain just knows chaos. It is the reason why I stuck it out in a relationship for a year longer than necessary - because breaking up didn't seem like an option. It is also the reason why I continued to love someone despite clear evidence that he was a schmuck. It's like I refused to open my eyes and actually consider my own self a person.

Now, from an outside perspective, I'm sure everyone can spot the flaw in this mode of thinking. But for the person having that thought, it is the conditioning that wins out over conventional wisdom - because noone took the time to understand them, nor did they actively seek a solution, because where the fuck do they start and how the hell do they unsee all they have seen?

Maybe only people who have had a similar experience may realise this but the feeling of being powerless, being unable to change or take charge of your circumstance leads to resentment that is hard to shake off. Especially when it occurs in childhood and is literally your first brush with the world. I have seen this happen to a lot of people. A deadlock with situations that were beyond their control in childhood leads to the making of unhappy adults who are unable to deal with the situations despite the advantage of age and choice. Case in point: Hundreds of marriages that happen because parents forced them to get married at the appropriate time. Controlling relationships with no clear boundaries. Inability to choose a career that you want. Meh. The list just goes on and on.

The thing is, we often fail to realise the role we are playing in creating the deadlock. By refusing to assess or address our feelings, we are often doomed to repeat the pattern we are scared of. It's like the serpent eating its own tail. The key is to step outside and just ignore all the background noise. Easier said than done, I know. But it is worth the effort. Only once you actively remove yourself and your emotions from the situation, you can then begin to think of solving the mess. There is no magic solution, people will still get in your way, but your vision for yourself needs to overcome all those hurdles.

For me, the tipping point came when all my responses started to feel templatized. I was always fighting the same battle, giving the same reactions. Refusing to change but expecting the outside world to change for me instead. Because things were unfair and I was owed the change. What was worse, the expectation of future started to also fall in that pattern. That was scary af and what prompted me to seek answers. Because fuck it, don't care how fuckall life has been before, I refuuuuuse to live a shitty life ahead! It was the aha! moment that helped me realise that the cavalry ain't coming. Which is good because fuck the cavalry. I can take charge instead. What a liberating feeling that was! Suddenly the perspective shifted towards action and creation. I was finally able to move ahead with happiness.

They say hard things are good for you, and being forced into a corner can make you deal with stuff you'd have left alone otherwise.

A few tips to start practicing conscious choosing:

1. Forgive.

Forgive the ones who hurt you, made you feel sucky, made life miserable. Unequivocally. Forgiveness does not mean you expect the person to change. It just means that you choose to liberate yourself from that situation, that you gently but firmly take a step away from the mess. 

2. Accept.

Accept that you too had a role in creating this situation. You may have been small, you may not have asked for it, you are forced into a role of responsibility. All of that is true, but what is also true is that you are here, fortunately or unfortunately. So let's deal with what is and not what it should have been like. Try and see the role you are playing here to keep the change from happening. 

3. Communicate.

Talk to the people that hurt you, explain your point of view. Not to fight, not to win against them or make them feel small. Just take responsibility for yourself and say what hurt you. Be strong in your vulnerability - the act of showing true feelings may be hard, but is necessary. It doesn't matter what the other person says or does, you took a step forward towards breaking an established pattern. It counts. Soon enough it will be behind you and you'd be glad you had the courage to do it.

4. Visualise. 

Create a vision of the ideal case scenario in your head. What would I like my life to look like? Do I want a happy relationship? A better job? Better friends? Whatever it is, give yourself a point of reference for what you'd like to achieve.

5. Act.

Try to actively build the foundations for your vision. This means minimising reactions and maximising actions. 

6. Breathe.

We are all idiots, trying to do the best we can. The people that came before us and the people that will come after are also idiots. So bleh. Listen to a good song, go to your happy place and just exhale. Pshooooo.