It's been a few days since I decided to dabble into mind alteration. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for. In the beginning it seemed like it would help me have a magic moment of clarity, which would go on to define my actions henceforth. Or that a deep dive into myself would reveal facets of me that I'd hidden from myself. All of it sounded so thrilling and meta, like this would be the golden nugget of information. But as I'm trying to define my quest here, I realise that what I was mostly looking for was a shortcut - one that helps me avoid the fogginess of decision making, and instead gives me a direction that can't be challenged hereafter.
Needless to say, absolutely none of that happened.
What did happen though, was that I was stripped of a few filters in my eyes, which helped me look around and actually see what was around me. Not in a metaphysical sense, but in the most physical sense. The cold winter morning, dew drops at my feet, the smallness of flowers and the tiny instructs buzzing around. All of this had gone unnoticed before.
It's funny, but when you are out *questing* - you, or at least I, - feel the absolute need to tunnel into the deep end. Ensure that no evidence is left up-turned. This time around, the first sensation was to try and slow down, and to just be. If time were a river, then there may be sense in letting it carry you forward, as it offers you a chance to observe without reacting. Is there merit in that? I'm not sure. I just know that I have never done it before.
I recall getting a bit more comfortable with the sensations and setting out to explore. Some vague lines from 'The Vagabond' made me want to walk near a hedge, and so I did. (Dramatisation is something that comes easy)Solitude seemed like the need of the hour, and from this solitude came a moment which I distinctly remember. It was when I realised that it's only in complete silence and ease, am I ever willing to truly be myself. All of my interactions are so outward bound, that I have hardly ever had the opportunity to invite one that was inward. At that point I was asking everyone not to intrude on my solace, because the minute someone steps in, some shield is put up as a safeguard.
It reminded me of dandelions, and how the smallest gusts of wind make them scatter. You can only ever observe dandelions in stillness. And realising that made me so protective of the one I did end up spotting. :) I wonder how many of us just stay quiet for want of understanding, or the fear of judgement. It must be hard to be honest even with those closest to us. It's like the thing you want most is also what scares you to bits. Much ironies.
As the sun began to set, the haze of conversation, strains of music, and the warmth of the day started to fade away. I felt like how I imagine the protagonist from 'The Secret Garden' might have felt - the first time she exit the door and left the garden behind to come back to reality. A little sad, but mostly comforted and thrilled with the knowledge that the garden exists. And as I tried to connect this experience into some manner of profundity, the only thing I could come up with was - 'Oh the continuum of existence, it has been around long before me and will be around long after me.' Transience is the one constant, and everything is made so much more beautiful because of it. It is the reason why we hold on, and also the reason why we shouldn't. And if that is the case, then it's futile to simply worry about what can go right and what has gone wrong.
As the sun began to set, the haze of conversation, strains of music, and the warmth of the day started to fade away. I felt like how I imagine the protagonist from 'The Secret Garden' might have felt - the first time she exit the door and left the garden behind to come back to reality. A little sad, but mostly comforted and thrilled with the knowledge that the garden exists. And as I tried to connect this experience into some manner of profundity, the only thing I could come up with was - 'Oh the continuum of existence, it has been around long before me and will be around long after me.' Transience is the one constant, and everything is made so much more beautiful because of it. It is the reason why we hold on, and also the reason why we shouldn't. And if that is the case, then it's futile to simply worry about what can go right and what has gone wrong.
All that you can do is progress, and progress requires strife, strife requires a reason, reason comes from desire, and desire is who you are. Cyclic. :)
